All through my life these books of revelation have dogged me with the daily fear that through them I should be found out; now that they have served their purpose in helping me to compile this more permanent record, I have decided, like Aunt Sary, to "burn un all." (Or nearly decided; it is hard for a woman to destroy memorials of the past.)
The precautions I took, beyond subtle hiding, were: prayer, magic, and the etching in red ink on each exercise-book-cover of this Device:—
PRIVATE
SHAME!
ON WHOEVER MAY THINK EVEN OF READING THIS
BOOK.
SHAME!
Whether in the worst of us, e. g. Aunt Jael, curiosity is not a stronger passion than fear, and whether therefore this curiosity-tempting cover might not do more harm than good, was a problem and a worry that continually assailed me.
In connection with the diary, I must speak of the Resolves or Resolutions I began to make. These were a result, on one side of my growing sense of sin (egotism, ambition, triumph, revenge, hate, greed, dirt, doubt), and on another side of an exactly opposite desire to realize my imagined ambitions by equipping myself to achieve them (wide knowledge, better health, nicer looks). They were written on half-sheets of note-paper, which I immediately put in an envelope. This was sealed and hidden in between the pages of that day in the diary on which the resolution was formed. The moment the least part of the current resolve was broken—I knew it always by heart—I had to break open the envelope and begin afresh. The old unkept resolve I placed in the page of the day on which it was broken. Thus an enveloped, sealed, still-in-action Resolve was kept with the day in which it was formed, a discarded one on the day on which I fell. I usually began again on a day that would give me a clean start, such as the first of the month, or a magic date, or some special anniversary. Here is one that had a pretty long run:—
March 9th, 1861.
My Mother died thirteen years ago today—Therefore from now onwards I DO RESOLVE:—
I. EVERY DAY
To drink a glass of cold water before breakfast and } To help at night (better than senna) } me be To go for a walk } healthy } To help To brush my hair well } me be To clean my teeth hard } pretty To learn at least seven new verses of the Word by } To help heart and revise seventeen old ones } me be } good } To help To tell the Lord everything in prayer } me be } Him II. NEVER
To steal oatmeal from the larder (as I did three times last week)
To think dirty things (as I did last Wednesday when I laughed when Mrs. Cheese said Aunt Jael's drawers were like two red bladders).
III. ALWAYS
To eat slowly (37 bites to each mouthful)
To be like God would like.
RESOLVED, with Mother's help
Mary Lee.
20 minutes past 6.
March 9th, 1861.
| To drink a glass of cold water before breakfast and | } To help |
| at night (better than senna) | } me be |
| To go for a walk | } healthy |
| } To help | |
| To brush my hair well | } me be |
| To clean my teeth hard | } pretty |
| To learn at least seven new verses of the Word by | } To help |
| heart and revise seventeen old ones | } me be |
| } good | |
| } To help | |
| To tell the Lord everything in prayer | } me be |
| } Him |
To steal oatmeal from the larder (as I did three times last week)
To think dirty things (as I did last Wednesday when I laughed when Mrs. Cheese said Aunt Jael's drawers were like two red bladders).
To eat slowly (37 bites to each mouthful)
To be like God would like.
For any one to whom this absurd document is absurd only, comment would be but adding insult to injury. Here is another:—