At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale."
A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment. The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your master that I was not running away?"—"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me tell you that he was."
A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"—"Yes, sir—'cause why, she confessed it."—"And you also swear she did some repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"—"I do, sir."—"Then," giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities are known?"—"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a lawyer?"—"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse, and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"—"I acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull. Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to the counsel, "luckily for me, has none."
"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in The Lawyer, "I heard the following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."—"Do you mean, sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or an ass because I am your friend?"
Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you," asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly. "Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness, reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow? Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll suppose ye are the wall."—"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall, very good."—"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a little, he said, "I am the waggon."—"Yes, very good; now proceed, you are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge, and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"