Law and Laughter

by George A. Morton; D. Macleod Malloch

A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound. As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat—but I'll nip it in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and he indicted him for perjury."

Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder. Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a 'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the bul-let!"

An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was "concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff."

A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of "the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip its wings."

Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the passing of which Tim was discomfited—crushed, and found himself unable to "rise to the occasion."

During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was causing.

"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr. Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.

"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the humiliation of being scored off.

In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness "wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what age are you?"—"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your age you still have a wet nurse?"—"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel hereupon interposed and explained.