Best of all, she had a spotless Reputation, holding herself down to one
Bronx at a Time and always going behind a Screen to do her Inhaling.
They were Married according to the new Ceremonies devised by the Ringling Brothers. As they rode away to their Future Home, the old Stager leaned back in the Limousine and said: "At last the Bird has Lit. I am going to put on the Simple Life for an Indefinite Run. I have played the Hoop-La Game to a Standstill, so it is me for a Haven of Rest."
As soon as they were safely in their own Apartments, the beautiful
Bride began to do Flip Flops and screech for Joy.
"At last I have a License to cut loose!" she exclaimed. "For years I have hankered and honed to be Dead Game and back Excitement right off the Cards, but every time I pulled a Caper the stern-faced Mater would be at Elbow, saying: 'Nix on the Acrobatics or you'll lose your Number.' Now I'm a regular honest-to-goodness Married Woman and I don't recognize any Limit except the Sky-Line. I grabbed you because I knew you had been to all the Places that keep Open and could frame up a new Jamboree every day in the Year. I'm going to plow an 8-foot Furrow across Europe and Dine forevermore at Swell Joints where famous Show Girls pass so close to your Table that you can almost reach out and Touch them. I'm going to Travel 12 months every Year and do all the Stunts known to the most imbecile Globe-Trotter."
A few Weeks after that, a Haggard Man with tattered Coat-Tails was seen going over the old familiar Jumps.
MORAL: Those who Marry to Escape something usually find Something Else.
THE PROGRESSIVE MANIAC
Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab of
Steak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found his
Excitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper.
In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee-
Gee, he purchased a kind of Highway Beetle, known as a Runabout. It
was a One-Lunger with a Wheel Base of nearly 28 inches and two Coal Oil
Gleamers.
When standing still, it panted like a Dachshund and breathed Blue Smoke through the Gills.