This is the head [takes the head] of a Female Moderator, or President of the Ladies' Debating Society: she can prove to a demonstration that man is an usurper of dignities and preferments, and that her sex has a just right to participation of both with him: she would have physicians in petticoats, and lawyers with high heads and French curls; then she would have young women of spirit to command our fleets and armies, and old ones to govern the state:—she pathetically laments that women are considered as mere domestic animals, fit only for making puddings, pickling cucumbers, or registering cures for the measles and chincough. If this lady's wishes for reformation should ever be accomplished, we may expect to hear that an admiral is in the histerics, that a general has miscarried, and that a prime minister was brought to bed the moment she opened the budget.
This is the head [shews it] of a Male Moderator, and president of eloquence, at one of her schools in this metropolis. We have schools for fencing, schools for dancing, and schools at which we learn every thing but those things which we ought to learn: but this is a school to teach a man to be an orator; it can convert a cobler into a Demosthenes; make him thunder over porter, and lighten over gin, and qualify him to speak on either side of the question in the house of commons, who has not so much as a single vote for a member of parliament.
Here political tobacconists smoke the measures of government in cut and dry arguments; here opposition taylors prove the nation has been cabbaged; here sadlers, turned statesmen, find a curb for the ministry; here the minority veteran players argue that the scene ought to be shifted; that the king's household wants a better manager; that there is no necessity for a wardrobe-keeper; that his majesty's company are a set of very bad actors; and he humbly moves that the king should discharge his prompter. Some time ago, the president of this society had a great constitutional point to decide; but not acquitting himself to the satisfaction of the ladies, this spirited female seized the chair of state, and with the crack of her fan opened the business of the evening; declaring, as women had wisely abolished the vulgar custom of domestic employment, she saw no reason why their knowledge should be confined to the dress of a head or the flounce of a petticoat; that government, in peace and war, was as much their province as the other sex, nay more; with regard to peace, very little was to be expected where women did not rule with absolute sway; in respect to war, she insisted, at least, upon an equivalent, and quoted the examples of many heroines, from the days of Boadicea, who headed her own armies, down to Hannah Snell, who served in the ranks; she appealed to her auditors if, notwithstanding their plumes, that assembly had not as warlike an appearance as half the officers of the guards, and doubted not but they'd prove to have full as much courage, if ever put to their shifts. "In history and politics," continued she, "have not we a Macaulay? in books of entertainment, a Griffiths? and in dramatic works an author that, in the last new comedy of 'Which is the Man,' disputes the bays with the genius of Drury? Ladies, were it possible to find a man that would dispute the eloquence of our tongues, I am sure he must readily yield to the superior eloquence of our eyes." The gallery cried 'Bravo!' the assembly joined in general plaudit; and Miss Susannah Cross-stich was chosen nem. con. perpetual president.
Before I put these heads on one side, I shall give a derivation of their title. Moderator is derived from mode, the fashion, and rate, a tax; and, in its compound sense, implies that Fashion advised these two to lay their heads together, in order to take advantage of the passion of the public for out-of-the-way opinions, and out-of-the-way undertakings. This head seems to be of that order that should inculcate the doctrine of charity, meekness, and benevolence: but, not finding his labours in the vineyard sufficiently rewarded, according to the value he sets upon himself, is now (like many of his functions) an apostate from grace to faction; and, with a political pamphlet in his hand, instead of a moral discourse, the pulpit is now become (as Hudibras expresses it) a drum ecclesiastic, and volunteers are beat up for in that place, where nothing should be thought of but proselytes to truth.
Among the many heads that have played upon the passions of the public, this is one [takes the head'] that did cut a capital figure in that way. This is the head of Jonas, or the card-playing conjuring Jew. He could make matadores with a snap of his fingers, command the four aces with a whistle, and get odd tricks. But there is a great many people in London, besides this man, famous for playing odd tricks, and yet no conjurers neither. This man would have made a great figure in the law, as he is so dexterous a conveyancer. But the law is a profession that does not want any jugglers. Nor do we need any longer to load our heads with the weight of learning, or pore for years over arts and sciences, when a few months' practice with these pasteboard pages [takes the cards] can make any man's fortune, without his understanding a single letter of the alphabet, provided he can but slip the cards, snap his fingers, and utter the unintelligible jargon of 'presto, passa, largo, mento, cocolorum, yaw' like this Jonas. The moment he comes into company, and takes up a pack of cards, he begins, "I am no common slight-of hand man; the common slight-of-hand men, they turn up the things up their sleeves, and make you believe their fingers deceive your eyes. Now, sir, you shall draw one card, two cards, three cards, four cards, five cards, half a dozen cards; you look at the card at this side, you look at the card at that side, and I say blow the blast; the blast is blown, the card is flown, yaw, yaw: and now, sir, I will do it once more over again, to see whether my fingers can once more deceive your eyes. I'll give any man ten thousand pounds if he do the like. You look at the card of this side, you look at the card on that side; when I say blow the blast, the blast is blown, the card is shown, yaw, yaw." But this conjurer, at length discovering that most practitioners on cards, now-a-days, know as many tricks as himself, and finding his slights of hand turned to little or no account, now practises on notes of hand by discount, and is to be found every morning at twelve in Duke's-place, up to his knuckles in dirt, and at two at the Bank coffee-house, up to his elbows in money, where these locusts of society, over a dish of coffee and the book of interest, supply the temporary wants of necessitous men, and are sure to out-wit 'em, had they even the cunning of a... Fox!
Here is the head of another Fashionable Foreigner [shews the head], a very simple machine; for he goes upon one spring, self-interest. This head may be compared to a disoblezeance; for there is but one seat in it, and that is not the seat of understanding: yet it is wonderful how much more rapidly this will move in the high road of preferment than one of your thinking, feeling, complex, English heads, in which honour, integrity, and reason, make such a pother, that no step can be taken without consulting them. This head, if I may be allowed to speak with an Irish accent, was a long time boasting of his feats: but the last fète he attempted proved his defeat; for, in springing too high, he got such a fall as would disgrace an Englishman for ever, and which none but a foreigner's head could recover.
Is it not a pity that foreigners should be admitted familiarly into the houses of the great, while Englishmen, of real merit, shall be thrust from their doors with contempt? An instance of which happened in the following picture—[The picture brought, and he goes before it.]