Campaigns of a Non-Combatant, and His Romaunt Abroad During the War

by George Alfred Townsend

"I promised my wife," said this person, who may be called Cindrey, "to stay at home after the Burnside business. The Burnside job was very nearly enough for me. In fact I should have quite starved on the Burnside job, if I hadn't took the fever. And the fever kept me so busy that I forgot how hungry I was. So I lived over that."

At this point he took off his glasses and wiped his face; the water was running down his cheeks like a miniature cataract, and his great neck seemed to emit jets of perspiration.

"Well," he continued, "the Burnside job wasn't enough for me; I must come out again. I must follow the young Napoleon. And the young Napoleon has made a pretty mess of it. I never expect to get home any more; I know I shall be gobbled up!"

A youngish, oldish, oddish fellow, whom they called "Pop," here told Mr. Cindrey to keep his pulse up and take a drink. A tall, large person, in semi-quaker garb, who did not look unlike George Fox, run to seed, said, with a flourish, that these battles were nothing to Shiloh. He was attached to the provincial press, and had been with the army of the West until recently. Without any exception, he was the "fussiest," most impertinent, most disagreeable man that I ever knew. He always made a hero of himself in his reports, and if I remember rightly, their headings ran after this fashion:—

Tremendous Battle at Roanoke! The Correspondent of the Blunderbuss hoists the National Flag above the REBEL RAMPARTS!!!" or again—Grand Victory at Shiloh! Mr. Twaddle, our Special Correspondent, TAKEN PRISONER!!! He ESCAPES!!! He is FIRED UPON!!! He wriggles through FOUR SWAMPS and SEVEN HOSTILE CAMPS! He is AGAIN CAPTURED! He STRANGLES the sentry! He drinks the Rebel Commander, Philpot, BLIND! Philpot gives him THE PASSWORD!!

Philpot compliments the Blunderbuss.

OUR Correspondent gains the Gunboats! He is TAKEN ABOARD! His welcome! Description of HIS BOOTS! Remarks, etc., ETC., ETC!!!"

This man was anxious to regulate not only his own newspaper, but he aspired to control the entire press. And his self adulation was incessant. He rung all the changes upon Shiloh. Every remark suggested some incident of Shiloh. He was a thorough Shilohite, and I regretted in my heart that the "Rebels" had not shut him away at Shiloh, that he might have enjoyed it to the end of his days.