“Lord Gobblegruel, who was very rich, had arrived at that title purely by having done some service to the government as a contractor. His lordship had but very few ideas beyond a common sum in arithmetic. My lady Gobblegruel was just as ignorant, only much more proud and affected, though, to tell the honest truth, she was originally his lordship’s father’s cook.
“There was a numerous family of them. There was his lordship, the right honourable lady Gobblegruel, the honourable Master Thomas Gobblegruel, and the honourable Miss Boadicea Gobblegruel.
You will wonder, my dear children, that there should be such characters as these among persons of rank; and the truth is, that, generally speaking, in this country, persons of rank are persons of education, of good sense, and of elegant and refined manners; yet here and there, up starts a peer without politeness, and a baron without brains.
“To proceed then—the honourable master Gobblegruel was what some coarse people would have called a natural; at any rate, he most certainly was a natural curiosity. Master Gobblegruel’s whole pleasure and employment was driving pigs: and to be sure, no salesman in Smithfield market understood pigs better; he could tell you whether a pig with a curly tail was better than a pig who had not a curly tail, or than one that had no tail at all; but what was a more excellent accomplishment in our little master was, that he could squeak as naturally as that animal; and which species of entertainment being according to the taste of the family, he was often called upon by the right honourable lady Gobblegruel to perform for the amusement of the right honourable lord Gobblegruel in the drawing room. (Henry could scarcely refrain from laughing).
“Master Gobblegruel was not only one of the greatest idiots, but also one of the greatest gluttons in the world; he was formed very much like a pig himself—I mean one that was well fattened; for he was nearly as thick as he was long; his cheeks were so plump and round, that they almost hid his eyes, which were very small; but master Gobblegruel had another extraordinary accomplishment—he could perform Punch to the life, which he used to do in the housekeeper’s room, to great audiences of the servants, and with prodigious applause. It was really very amusing to see the son of a nobleman with a short stick in his hand, knocking, as he pretended, his wife Joan on the head, squeaking toote, toote, toote, and nodding and winking exactly like his famed original.—(Henry could not resist Laughter any longer).
“The honourable master Gobblegruel was so ungraceful at table, that he disgusted every body; you might see him take up the bone of a fowl, which he would gnaw and suck with so much avidity, that the grease would run down the sides of his mouth, into which he would also constantly put his knife instead of his fork; and when he drank, you might see the greater part of his face through the glass.
“One day in particular, master Gobblegruel made a more than commonly ridiculous figure; he had got the end of a drumstick of a fowl in his mouth, which upon being reminded by some person present was vulgar, he transfixed immediately between his teeth, sitting bolt upright, and grinning like his honourable father’s pug-dog, to the infinite amusement of all the servants. The young gentleman would not however part with the bone. (Henry burst into a fit of Laughter.)
“I must now,” said Mr. Willock, “for the benefit of the young ladies, describe the honourable Miss Boadicea Gobblegruel, who in shape and figure was the counterpart of her honourable brother.