'Tes allus a caddlin' zart of a job takin' they fat beasties to Swinnun Market, but dall'd if ever I had such a doin' wi'em afore as 'twer isterday. 'Twer thuck thur white-veaced un as Measter bought off a ole Collins laas' yer as done it. I'd a nauticed as he wur a pankin' tur'ble as we was a gwain up the hill, an' as zoon as iver he got vorright the Red Lion he 'oudden go no furder,—an' thur a wur led down in the middle o' the strit. Thur yun't nothen as I likes wusser'n that, bless 'ee! Thur be such a sight o' 'oondermentin' chaps a gaapsin' about thur allus, a body caan't bide quiet nohow fur their maggots. And then if 'ee ses arra word to 'em they puts 'ee in the Noos, an' that's wussern' aal on't! Thuck girt gaapus Bill Wilkins come up, an' a begun a laafin' at I, an' a axed wur I'd a slep on the rwoad laas' night.—Dall'd if I hadden a mine to ha' gien he what-for thur-right, if't hadden a bin fur the narration as they'd a made on't. A wur allus a terrible voolhardy zart of a chap, an' I niver coudden away wi' a lot o' that 'oondermentin'. Simmin to I I'd zooner walk ten mile roun' than hae to stan up in 'Ootton strit like a vool wi' they chaps a terrifyin' on 'ee.
E. H. G.
[PUTTEN' UP TH' BANNS.]
[South Wilts: Wilton.]
Wen Zal Slatter coorteed Jim Bleak he wur under carter, an' she wur maid a ael wuk up at Hill Varm. Zoo thay 'greed ta putt up tha banns unbeknown to their measter an' missus. Wen Varmer comed out a chirch thic Zundy a gooes straight inta kitchen wur Zal wur cookin' a girt laig a mutten var dinner, an a zaays, 'Zal,' a zaays, 'Wur that thee an' Jim I yeard caal'd whoam bit now?' 'I 'specs 'twur, measter,' zaays Zal. 'Why, wat in tha wordle diss thee want ta get married var? Hassen a got a good whoam, a good bade ta sleep on? an' a good laig a mutten ta zet down to wen bist 'ungry?' 'O eece, measter,' zaays Zal, 'I knaas ael that, bit did 'ee ever know a wench as hooden gie up a laig o' mutten var a whole man?'
E. Slow.
[THE CANNINGS VAWK.]
[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]
I niver wur at Cannin's but once as I knaws on, an' that wur when Mr. Jones wur alive. I went awver wi' he to Cannin's Veast. I mind thur wur a lot on 'em thur from Ca'an [Calne] as wur a tellin' up zuch tales as was never about the Cannin's vawk. The' tell'd I as zome on 'em got up the Church tower, and dunged that thur—what is it?—a-top o' the tower, to make un grow as big as the spire. I never he-ard tell o' zuch a thing! Should 'ee iver thenk as 'twer true? An' the' tell'd I as 'twern't but a vurry veow years ago as zome on 'em hired as ther wur a comut ur what 'ee caals ut, to be zeed in 'Vize market-place, an' pretty nigh aal Cannin's went in thur to zee un, an' niver thought o' lookin' to zee wur they cudden zee un at whoam. What some girt stups they must a bin! An' thur wur a cooper ur zummat o' that, as cudden putt th' yead into a barr'l; an' a tell'd he's bwoy to get inside and howld un up till he'd a vastened un. An' when a done the bwoy hollered out droo the bung hawl, 'How be I to get out, veyther?'—That bit tickled I, bless 'ee! moor'n aal on't! Arterwards one on 'em axed I if thur wurden a Cannin's girl in sarvice at our place; an' I zes 'I b'lieve as 'tes.' An' a zes, 'Do 'ee iver zaa Baa! to she?' An' I zes 'Noa, vur why should I zaay Baa! to she?' An' a zes 'You should allus zaay Baa! to a body as comes vrom Cannin's.' 'Wull,' I zes, 'I shudden like to zaay Baa! to any body wi'out I know'd the rason on't.' An' then a tell'd I as the' had a tiddlin' lamb as wur ter'ble dickey, an' the' putt un into th' o-ven, to kip un warm' an' shut un in an' forgot aal about un, an lef' un in thur. An' when the' awpened the o-ven agean a wur rawsted droo!—Wull, I come whoam, an' niver thought nothen more on't fur a lenth o' time, till one daay as I wur a workin' in the garden, measter an' missus wur out, an' the girls come out an' begun a 'oondermentin' an' terrifyin' I. An' aal at once this yer shot into my mind, an' I looks up at the cook an' I zes, 'Baa!' But her didden take no nautice, an' a went on chatterin'. An' I zes 'Baa!' agean. An' that put her pot on, bless 'ee! at a terrible rate, an' she zes to I, 'Who be you'—she zes,—'to zaay Baa! to I?' An' wi' that they boath on 'em went auf in-a-doors, an' they niver come a meddlin' wi' I agean fur a long whiles.
E. H. G.