"But would it be possible?" asked Iris, with a flutter, "to call yourself a Conservative next time?"
"I have been thinking about that." He spoke absently, his eyes still upwards. "It is pretty certain that the Conservative side gives me more chance. It enrages me to think how I should have triumphed at Hollingford! I could have roused the place to such enthusiasm as it never knew! The great mistake of my life—but what choice had I? Lady Ogram was fatal to me."
He groaned, and let his eyelids droop.
"It is possible that, at the general election, a Liberal constituency may invite me. In that case, of course—" He broke off with a weary wave of the hand. "But what's the use of thinking about it? I must look for work. Do you know, I have thoughts of going to New Zealand."
"Oh! That's nonsense!"
"Try to realise my position." He raised himself on his elbow. "After my life of the last few months, will it be very enjoyable to become a subordinate, to work for wages, to sink into obscurity? Does it seem to you natural? Do you think I shall be able to bear it?"
He had begun to quiver with excitement. As Iris kept silence, he rose to a sitting position, and continued more vehemently.
"Don't you understand that death would be preferable, a thousand times? Imagine me—me at the beck and call of paltry every-day people! Does it seem to you fitting that I should pay by such degradation for one or two trivial errors? How I shall bear it, I don't know; but bear it I must. I keep reminding myself that I am not a free man. If once I could pay my debt—"
"Oh, don't talk about that!" exclaimed Iris, on a note of distress. "What do I care about the money?"
"No, but I care about my honour!" cried Lashmar. "If I had won the election, all would have been different; my career would have begun. Do you know what I should have done in that case? I should have come to you, and have said: 'I am a Member of Parliament. It is to you that I owe this, more than to anyone else. Will you do yet more for me? Will you be my companion in the life upon which I am entering—share all my hopes—help me to conquer?'—That is what I meant to do. But I am beaten, and I can only ask you to have patience with your miserable debtor."