The Ordeal of Colonel Johns

by George H. Smith

Decker looked wildly about for a way of escape from the convention auditorium. If he had only remained in the anteroom with Professor MacCulloch and the Historical Reintegrator! After suffering through four days of speeches by ladies in various stages of mammalian top-heaviness, he hadn't believed it possible that anyone could top Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin for either sheer ability to bore or for the nobility of her bust. Mrs. Rebecca Johns-Hayes had come as something of a shock as she squirmed her way onto the speaker's platform. But there she was as big as life, or rather bigger, smiling at Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin, the Past President, beaming at Mrs. Lynd-Torris, a defeated candidate for the presidency and whose ancestor had been only a captain, and completely ignoring Mrs. Tolman, the other defeated candidate whose ancestor had been so inconsiderate as to have been a Continental sergeant. Only the thought that now that the voting was over and the new president chosen, the ladies might be ready for the demonstration of the Reintegrator had brought Decker onto the convention floor, and now he was trapped and would have to listen.

"And so," Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin was reading, "upon such small events do the great moments of history depend. The brilliant scouting and skirmishing of the riflemen under Colonel Peter Johns prevented the breakthrough of Captain Fosdick's column and the possible flanking of the American army before Saratoga. Thus, this little known action may have been the deciding factor in the whole campaign that prevented General Burgoyne from carrying out the British plan to divide the colonies and end the war. It is impossible for the historian to refrain from speculation as to what might have happened had Colonel Johns not been on hand to direct the riflemen and militia in this section; as indeed he might not have been, since his own regiment of short-term enlistees had returned to Pennsylvania a few days previously. Only the Colonel's patriotism and devotion to duty kept him in the field and made his abilities available to the country when they were most needed."

Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin waited until the burst of applause had died down and then continued, "That is the man whose great-great-great-great-granddaughter you have elected your president today ... Mrs. Rebecca Johns-Hayes!" Turning to Mrs. Johns-Hayes she went on, "Before you make your acceptance speech, dear, we have a little surprise for you."

Clark Decker had been edging his way toward the side of the auditorium where the Men's Auxiliary of the Daughters had their seats but he turned back at the mention of the surprise. It sounded as though it was time for him and the Professor to start their demonstration.

"A surprise which we hope will also be a surprise to the whole world of science," Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin was holding the podium against a determinedly advancing Mrs. Johns-Hayes. "Indeed we may be able to say in future years, that the 1989 Convention of the Patriot Daughters was marked by the first public demonstration of one of the most momentous inventions in the history of science." The Past President was speaking faster and faster, because the new President with a hand full of notes was doing her best to edge her away from both the podium and the microphone.

"Thank you, darling," Mrs. Johns-Hayes said, pulling the microphone firmly toward her, "but we really must get along with business. I have quite a few things I want to say and several motions which I want to place before the Convention."

"And as I was saying, dear," Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin said, pulling the microphone back with equal firmness, "I know that you will be just unbearably thrilled." There was another brief struggle for the mike and Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin won and went on. "I know that he will be just as proud of you as you are of him. That is why we have arranged for Professor MacCulloch to demonstrate his historical Reintegrator at our convention by bringing into our midst Colonel Peter Johns, the hero of the action at Temple Farm, to see his great-great-great-great-granddaughter installed as the fifty-fourth president of the Loyal Order of Patriot Daughters of America. Now I...." Mrs. Johns-Hayes again won control of the mike.

"Thank you very much, dear." Her voice was a genteel screech. "I'm sure that we will be only too glad to have the ... who? Who did you say?" Mrs. Appleby-Simpkin regained the microphone from the other woman's relaxing grip.

"I believe I see Mr. Decker, the Professor's assistant, in the audience," she said. "Will you be so good as to tell the Professor that we are ready for his epic-making experiment?"

With a great feeling of relief, Decker escaped from the rising turmoil of the convention hall into the relative quiet of the anteroom where MacCulloch waited with the Reintegrator. He found the Professor sitting with his head in his hands staring at the machine. The little man looked up and smiled quizzically as his assistant approached him.