Copyright, 1915
By Travelogue-Art Association, Inc.
All rights reserved
Second Edition
To my Friend
J. Whitfield Hirst
CONTENTS
| PAGE | ||
| Author's Preface | [1] | |
| I. | War Hell and Bull Fights | [7] |
| II. | "Missouri" and His False Teeth | [17] |
| III. | Wong Lee—The Human Bellows | [28] |
| IV. | Hawaii—and the Fisherman Who'd Sign the Pledge | [33] |
| V. | The Umpire Who Got a Job | [44] |
| VI. | The Japs' Five-Story Skyscraper and a Basement | [53] |
| VII. | Japanese Girls in American Clothes—They Mar the Landscape | [59] |
| VIII. | Ceremonious Grandmother—"Missouri" a "Heavenly Twin" | [64] |
| IX. | Ushi the Rikisha Man | [79] |
| X. | Missionaries, Tracts, and a Job Worth While | [91] |
| XI. | Yamamoto and High Cost of Living | [99] |
| XII. | The Soldier Said Something in Chinese | [103] |
| XIII. | Ten Thousand Tons on a Wheelbarrow and the Ananias Club | [114] |
| XIV. | "Missouri" Meets a Missionary | [120] |
| XV. | A Sto-o-rm at Sea | [133] |
| XVI. | The Islands "Discovered" by Dewey | [138] |
| XVII. | White Filipinos, Aguinaldo, and the Busy Moth | [147] |
| XVIII. | Singapore—The Humorist's Close Call | [156] |
| XIX. | The Hindu Guide a Saint Would Be | [168] |
| XX. | Penang—A Bird, the Female of Its Species, and the Mangosteen | [172] |
| XXI. | Burma and Buddha | [176] |
| XXII. | Baptists and Buddhism | [181] |
| XXIII. | The Rangoon Business Man Who Drove His Sermon Home | [185] |
| XXIV. | The Glass of Ice-Water That Jarred Rangoon | [188] |
| XXV. | The Calcutta Sacred Bull and His Twisted Tail | [194] |
| XXVI. | The Guide Who Wouldn't Sit in "Master's" Presence | [201] |
| XXVII. | Royalty vs. "Two Clucks and a Grunt" | [206] |
| XXVIII. | One Wink, Sixteen Cents, and Royalty | [210] |
| XXIX. | The Englishman and Mark Twain's Joke, "That's How They Wash in India" | [215] |
| XXX. | English as "She Is Spoke" in India | [223] |
| XXXI. | Five Days' Sail and a Measly Poem | [225] |
| XXXII. | Beating the Game With One Shirt | [240] |
| XXXIII. | Through Hell Gate Steerage | [257] |
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
| PAGE | |
| I found myself jammed in with the cruelest, most blood-thirsty, cut-throat gang I've ever seen | [11] |
| They tortured three yesterday, but I was more than satisfied with one, when I left them to their sport | [15] |
| "You see, Mr. Allen, I got those teeth to please my wife" | [20] |
| "When I didn't have them in my wife was giving me Hail Columbia" | [24] |
| "With a mouthful of victuals I'd find myself chewing those false teeth with my other teeth" | [26] |
| "Wong," I said, "how fashion you talkee so? "No can slmoke stlate loom! "No tlouble slmoke stlate loom. Can slmoke stlate loom easy, see?" | [29] |
| My great fear was that before we landed at Yokohama Wong would surely burst in his efforts to keep the smoke in my state room blown out of the porthole | [31] |
| I snitched it from a folder put out by the Hawaiian Promotion Society | [37] |
| A fellow tied up that way can't come to the Hawaiian Islands to live | [39] |
| Just one look at that fish and he'd yell and drop fish, line and pole right back in the pond | [41] |
| You wouldn't expect to find any kickers in the Islands | [43] |
| But I'll bet it would make it shy | [47] |
| I won't say it would scare a locomotive off the tracks | [48] |
| Author's illustration | [49] |
| Believe me, that umpire could make anyone see | [51] |
| They have the taxicab, but someone else had it during my three days' stay | [55] |
| While you're working out the problem your car passes | [57] |
| She is a part of the landscape that way. She fits in and makes me glad | [62] |
| Pained! Grieved! Shocked! were too mild words. I was disappointed in "Missouri" | [65] |
| "Lord, Mr. Allen, I'm glad to see you," he said, as the machine stopped | [67] |
| We S.O.S.'d Yokohama for four hours with that saki house telephone | [73] |
| That surely was some bow | [76] |
| But Ushi's card had pulled a customer | [81] |
| "Ushi, what for you mope? Didn't I make a deal with you last night to be my rikisha boy today? Hitch on behind and push, Ushi" | [87] |
| With reckless abandon I had decided to blow myself for a whole dollar, and twenty-five cents for ten hours' horse and carriage hire | [88] |
| That missionary seemed to exude tracts—I didn't know one missionary could hold so many | [93] |
| Except potato bugs, I always want to poison them | [97] |
| He said to have a foreigner as a guest at his humble home would bring around his house such a crowd of curious neighbors | [100] |
| I felt a good deal better after what I'd said, and I think what the soldier said made a hit with him | [110] |
| With a mighty bound I landed in that man's arms | [112] |
| "Dr. 'Blank'," I said, "you're the one man in China I'm looking for. I have a warrant for your arrest" | [113] |
| The chance acquaintances would cast significant glances and cough | [115] |
| There are some Americans whom even a Shanghai wheelbarrow don't particularly interest | [121] |
| "Women who are interested in foreign missions and preachers in our town set quite a store by me" | [123] |
| "For about a minute, as I looked at what was in front of me, I couldn't think of anything but the two of diamonds" | [126] |
| "Humph!" snorted "Missouri," "he said, 'You've probably gathered your information of the missionary work in the Far East from your bar-room associates'" | [129] |
| As we jounced along over the bridge in front of our hotel on a Shanghai wheelbarrow | [131] |
| Word has come to me that some of my readers are disappointed that I shied at a description of seasickness, but instead went off on a tangent about false teeth | [134] |
| Astride the bowsprit, pen in hand, writing a sto-o-rm at sea | [137] |
| Admiral George Dewey of the American Navy discovered these islands May 1st, 1898 | [140] |
| I hit a prominent official in Washington for a free pass on a transport to the Philippines | [144] |
| You cannot starve these people; they live in a land of perpetual summer | [148] |
| There is not another city in Japan, China, or India that can equal it in cleanliness | [150] |
| The chief industry of the owners of the shacks is to roost in them out of the sun and rain | [152] |
| Ye gods! Tell a Singapore official to his face that you are going to shake the town! | [159] |
| I swelled out my chest and swaggered away and thought I was funny | [161] |
| The "funny man" gently lifted the derby from the dozing passenger's head and set his own sombrero in its place | [163] |
| "And dommed if I didn't thank him twice when I should 'ave punched his 'ead" | [166] |
| No matter what the hole you're in, there is a deeper one | [167] |
| And now there is something to write about—the mangosteen | [174] |
| Would be like going to Venice and not having your picture taken with the doves roosting all over you | [189] |
| The only thing of note in the whole transaction is the boy's self-satisfied air of having done his whole duty | [192] |
| She said: "I wish I were a flying fish, o'er ocean's sparkling waves to sail" | [195] |
| "Twist his tail," I said, "that will start him" | [197] |
| "You stay where you belong. I'll do the sacred bull business around this neck of the woods" | [199] |
| Get that? Royalty, don't you know | [203] |
| It's hard lines to pour out money in this way on Lal—but Royalty is expensive anyway | [205] |
| "Of course I don't," I came back at him. "You stung me the last trip across India" | [208] |
| Lal tells the string of porters to put "Master's" baggage into the compartment—no matter how much, put it all in, boxes, bags, bedding, and trunks | [212] |
| The town turned out en masse to hear me talk | [216] |
| The coffee began to boil in the church kitchen, the aroma floated through the auditorium | [218] |
| That old joke about the English being slow is no joke—it's a sad fact | [220] |
| And every time the Englishman has explained to me that he wasn't trying to break the stone | [221] |
| Home loomed large in my mind—I wanted to go home | [226] |
| Just like committing suicide | [229] |
| He had been filled as full, if not fuller, than myself | [230] |
| To write that invoice all over again * * * to get out of that was the determining factor | [233] |
| With my teeth chattering with valor | [235] |
| Anxiously watching specks in the horizon | [238] |
| We do, on occasions, don it | [241] |
| I've attended twenty-two "he" tea parties on this voyage | [245] |
| No hope of being sunk before dinner | [247] |
| I turned that shirt around | [248] |
| I felt like a thief in that shirt | [251] |
| With my jack-knife to rip and some puckering strings I went at it | [253] |
| I turned that shirt upside down | [254] |
| Also, I finally accepted his apology | [255] |
| "You're a third-class passenger on this ship"—and further conversation with me seemed to give him a pain | [264] |
| He swore like a pirate | [271] |
| "It is hard when they loiter, isn't it?" | [274] |
| And "Beef" came in | [279] |
| And those pants did look bad. There was no doubt about that | [281] |
| "If Mr. Allen says I have insulted women, he's a liar" | [284] |