Dec. 26th.—I do long to submit to—no, to accept joyfully—the will of God in everything; to see only Love in every trial. But to be made a whip in His hand with which to scourge others—I, who so passionately desire to give pleasure, to give only pain—I, who so hate to cause suffering, to inflict nothing else on my best friends—oh, this is hard!… I write by feeling with eyes closed. It is midnight; and, as usual, I am and have been sleepless. I am full of tossings to and fro until the dawn. All temporal blessings seem to be expressed by one word—Sleep…. Disease is advancing with rapid strides; many symptoms of paralysis; that or insanity certain, unless God in mercy to myself and my friends takes me home first.
31st.—"Here then to Thee Thine own I leave—
Mould as Thou wilt Thy passive clay;
But let me all Thy stamp receive,
But let me all Thy words obey.
Serve with a single heart and eye,
And to Thy glory live or die."
Jan. 26, 1859.—Cars ran through from Adams to Troy first time. Eddy studying Greek, Latin, etc., at school; Geology at home. Feb. 3d.—Much of the day in intense bodily anguish, but have had lately more of Christ in my heart. Albert is reading me a precious sermon by Huntingdon on "a life hid with Christ in God." Oh, to learn more of Christ and His love! 5th.—O God, who art rich in mercy, if Thou art looking for some creature on whom to bestow it, behold the poorest, neediest, emptiest of all Thou hast made, and satisfy me with Thy mercy. Sunday, 6th.—How thankful I am for the many good books I have! and oh, how I stand amazed at the faith and patience of God's dear children (Mrs. Coutts, e.g.), to read of whose sufferings makes my heart bleed and almost murmur on their account. March 17th.—"So foolish was I and ignorant, I was as a beast before Thee." Oh, howr it comforts me that there is such a verse in the Bible as this! It comes near describing my folly, stupidity, ignorance, and blindness…. Quite overcome to-day by a most unexpected favor from my dear friends the Jameses, [7] who I thought had forgotten me. April 12th.—My love to my dear, dear sister. I shall never see her, never write to her, but we will spend eternity together.
Dec 1st.—Albert opened the piano, and, for the first time in six years, I touched it. Beautiful flower-pictures from Lizzy. [8]
Sunday, Jan. 1, 1860.—"Out of weakness were made strong." This is the verse which has been given me as a motto for the year. May it be fulfilled in my experience! But should it not be so to my apprehension, may I be able to say, "Most gladly, therefore, will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
March 26th.—For several days I have been led to pray that the indwelling Spirit may indite my petitions. To-day He leads me to pray for the annihilation of self. My whole soul cries out for this—to forget my own sorrows, wants, sins even, and lose myself in Christ…. O precious Saviour, let me see Thee; let me behold Thy beauty; let me hear Thy voice; let me wash Thy feet with tears; let me gaze on Thee forever.
March 31st.—A remarkable day. 1st. Weather like Indian summer. 2d. After a very poor night, expecting to spend the day in bed, I was so strengthened as to ride up to the mountain with Albert and to enjoy seeing the mosses. In the P.M. rode again with Eddy.
June 30th.—For years I have been constantly fearing insanity or palsy. Now I hear of Mrs. —— struck with paralysis and my dear friend —— with mental alienation, while I am spared.
June 27th.—Let a person take a delicately-strung musical instrument and strike blows on it with a hammer till nearly every string is broken and the whole instrument trembles and shrieks under the infliction—that is what has been done to me. Words are entirely inadequate to paint what I suffer.
June 30th.—Another great mercy. A letter from N. P. W. [9] Under date of June 4th, I wrote, "May God bless," etc., and God has blessed him. Oh, praise, praise to Him who hears even before we ask.