How I looked I have only Barkins’ word for, and he told me afterwards that I seemed as if I was waiting for my turn to suffer with the pirates.
After the sharp glance I gave at my fellows neither of us stirred, but sat there as if petrified. I was horror-stricken, and there was a strong impulse upon me to jump up and run out, but shame and the dread of being considered cowardly kept me in my place. In fact, as after-confessions made clear, we were absolutely stunned, and I don’t think we could have stirred had we made up our minds to go.
Then I felt dizzy, and the brilliant group of officials and military magnates and judges opposite to where we sat grew blurred and strange-looking in the bright sunshine.
At last I felt as if I must argue out the question, and with my teeth set firm, and my eyes fixed upon the sandy ground of the enclosure, some such thoughts as these ran through my brain— “It is only just that these men should suffer for their horrible crimes, for they are more dangerous than venomous serpents, and I suppose that Captain Thwaites and Lieutenant Reardon are obliged to come as a kind of duty; but we three came under the idea that we were to see some kind of exhibition, and old Ching did it out of kindness, not knowing of what kind of stuff we were made. I shan’t stop.”
There I paused to fight with other ideas.
“Tanner and Blacksmith will laugh at me and think I am a coward. Well, let them,” I said to myself at last. “It isn’t cowardice not to wish to see such a horror as this. I didn’t feel cowardly when they were shooting at us down in the creek, and it would be far more cowardly to sit here against my will without speaking. I will tell them I want to go.”
I should think that every lad of the age I then was, will pretty well understand my feelings, and what a bitter thing it was to turn and confess what they would jeer at and call “funk.” It was hard work indeed.
“I don’t care,” I muttered. “I know they’ll protest and say they don’t want to come, but be very glad to come away all the time. I will speak.”
Just then that horrible Chinaman turned to me with his round fat face, all smiling and delighted.
“You velly glad you come?” he said. “You feel velly happy?”