These, about six or seven hours, a Roman soldier said, in answer to Jesus' question as to the length of time they had been on their crosses, not more than six hours, the soldier repeated, and he turned to his comrade for confirmation of his words. Put a lance into my side, a robber cried out, and God will reward thee in heaven. Thou hast not ceased to groan since the first hour. But put a lance into my side, the robber cried again. I dare not, the soldier answered. Thou'lt hang easier to-morrow. But all night I shall suffer; put a lance into my side, for my heart is like a fire within me. And do the same for me, cried the robbers hanging on either side. All night long, cried the first robber, the pain and the ache and the torment will last; if not a lance, give me wine to drink, some strong, heady wine that will dull the pain. Thy brethren bear the cross better than thou. Take courage and bear thy pain. I was not a robber because I wished it, my house was set on fire as many another to obtain recruits. Yon shepherd is no better than I. Why am I on the cross and not he? His turn may come, who knows, though he stands so happy among his sheep. To-night he will sleep in a cool cavern, but I shall linger in pain. Give me drink and I will tell thee where the money we have robbed is hidden. The money may not be in the cave, and if it be we might not be able to find it, the soldier answered; and the crucified cried down to him that he could make plain the spot. The soldier was not, however, to be bribed, and they told the crucified that the procurator was coming out to visit the crosses on the morrow, and would be disappointed if he found dead men upon them instead of dying men. Shepherd, the soldiers will not help us, canst thou not help us? Happy shepherd, that will sleep to-night amongst thy sheep. Come by night and give us poison when these soldiers are asleep. We will reward thee. Lift not thy hand against Roman justice, the soldier said to Jesus, lest thou takest his place on the cross. Such are our orders.
Jesus hurried away through the hills, pursued by memories of the crucified robbers, and he went on and on, with the intent of escaping from their cries and faces, till, unable to walk farther, he stopped, and, looking round, saw the tired sheep, their eyes mutely asking him why he had come so far, passing by so much good herbage without halting. Poor sheep, he said, I had forgotten you, but there is yet an hour of light before folding-time. Go, seek the herbage among the rocks. My dogs, too, are tired, he added, and want water, and when he had given them some to drink he sat down, hoping that the crucified might not return to his eyes and ears. But he need not have hoped: he was too tired to think of what he had seen and heard, and sat in peace watching the sunset till, as in a vision, a man in a garden, in an agony of doubt, appeared to him. He was betrayed by a disciple and taken before the priests and afterwards before Pilate, who ordered him to be scourged and crucified, and beneath his cross the multitude passed, wagging their heads, inviting him to descend if he could detach himself from the nails. A veil fell and when it was lifted Joseph was bending over him, and soon after was carrying him to his house. The people of that time rose up before him: Esora, Matred, and the camel-driver, the scent of whose sheepskin had led him back to his sheep, and he had given himself to their service with profit to himself, for it had kept his thoughts from straying backwards or forwards, fixing them in the present. He had lived in the ever-fleeting present for many years—how many? The question awoke him from his reverie, and he sat wondering how it was he could think so quietly of things that he had put out of his mind instinctively, till he seemed to himself to be a man detached as much from hope as from regret. It was through such strict rule that I managed to live through the years behind me, he said; I felt that I must never look back, but in a moment of great physical fatigue the past returned, and it lies before me now, the sting taken out of it, like the evening sky in tranquil waters. Even the memory that I once believed myself to be the Messiah promised to the Jews ceases to hurt; what we deem mistakes are part and parcel of some great design. Nothing befalls but by the will of God. My mistakes! why do I speak of them as mistakes, for like all else they were from the beginning of time, and still are and will be till the end of time, in the mind of God. His thoughts continued to unroll, it was not long before he felt himself thinking that the world was right to defend itself against those that would repudiate it. For the world, he said to himself, cannot be else than the world, a truth that was hidden from me in those early days. The world does not belong to us, but to God. It was he that made it, and it is for him to unmake it when he chooses and to remake us if he chooses. Meanwhile we should do well to accept his decrees and to talk no more of destroying the Temple and building it up again in three days. Nor should we trouble ourselves to reprove the keepers of the Temple for having made themselves a God according to their own image and likeness, with passions like a man and angers like a man, thereby falling into idolatry, for what else is our God but an Assyrian king who sits on a throne and metes out punishments and rewards? It may be that the priests will some day come into the knowledge that all things are equal in God's sight, and that he is not to be won by sacrifices, observances or prayers, that he has no need of these things, not even of our love, or it may be that they will remain priests. But though God desires neither sacrifices, observances, nor even love, it cannot be that we are wholly divorced from God. It may be that we are united to him by the daily tasks which he has set us to perform.
Jesus was moved to put his pipes to his lips, and the sheep returned to him and followed him into the cavern in which they were to sleep that night.
CHAP. XXIX.
It is a great joy to return to thought after a long absence from it, and Jesus was not afraid, though once his conscience asked him if he were justified in yielding himself unreservedly to reason. A man's mind, he answered, like all else, is part of the Godhead; and at that moment he heard God speaking to him out of the breeze. My beloved son, he said, we shall never be separated from each other again. And Jesus replied: not again, Father, for thou hast returned to me the God that I once knew in Nazareth and in the hills above Jericho, and lost sight of as soon as I began to read the Book of Daniel. How many, he asked himself, have been led by reading that book into the belief that they were the precursors of the Messiah? We know of Theudas and the Egyptian, and there were many others whose names have not reached us. But I alone believed myself to be the Messiah. He was astonished he could remember so great a sin and not fear God. But I cannot fear God, for I love God, he said; my God neither forgives nor punishes, and if we repent it should be for our own sakes and not to please God. Moreover, it must be well not to waste too much time in repentance, for it is surely better to understand than to repent. We learn through our sins. If it had not been for mine, I should not have learnt that quires and scrolls lead men from God, and that to see and hear God we have only to open our eyes and ears. God is always about us. We hear him in the breeze, and we find him in the flower. He is in these things as much as he is in man, and all things are equal in his sight; Solomon is no greater than Joshbekashar.
He had not remembered the old shepherd, who had taught him all he knew about sheep, for many a day. It is nigh on five and forty years, he said to himself, since he called me to hold the ewes while he made them clean for the winter. It was in yon cave the flock was folded when I laid hands on the ewes for the first time and dragged them forward for him to clip the wool from the rumps. He could see in his memory each different ewe trotting away, looking as if she were thankful for the shepherd's kind office towards her. There was something extraordinarily restful in his memory of old Joshbekashar, and to prolong it Jesus fell to recalling the old man's words; and every little disjointed sentence raised up the old man before him. It was but three times that I held the ewes for him, so it cannot be much more than forty years since that first clipping. Now I come to think on it, the clipping befell on a day like to-day. We'll clip our ewes to-day, and it was with a sense of memorial service in his mind that he called to young Jacob to come to his aid, saying: Joshbekashar's flock was always folded in yon cave for this clipping, the only change is that I am the clipper and thou'rt holding them for me. There are forty-five to be clipped, and just the same as before each ewe will trot away into the field looking as if she were thankful at having been made clean for the winter. On these words both fell to their work, and the cunning hand spent no more than a minute over each. Stooping over ewes makes one's back ache, he said, rising from the last one, using the very same words he heard forty years before from Joshbekashar: time brings back the past! he said. We repeat the words of those that have gone before while doing their work; and it is likely we are doing God's work as well by making the ewes clean for the winter as by cutting their throats in the Temple. All the same stooping over ewes makes one's back ache, he repeated, for the words evoked the old shepherd, and he waited for Jacob to answer in the words spoken by him forty years ago to Joshbekashar. Himself had forgotten his words, but he thought he would recognise them if Jacob were inspired to speak them. But Jacob kept silence for shame's sake, for his hope was that the flock would be given to his charge as soon as old age obliged Jesus to join his brethren in the cenoby.
Thou'lt be sorry for me, lad, I know that well, but thou hast begun to look forward to the time when thou'lt walk the hills at the head of the flock like another; it is but proper that thou shouldst, and it is but natural that the time should seem long to thee; but take on a little patience, this much I can vouch for, every bone in me was aching when I left the cavern this morning, and my sight is no longer what it was. Master Jesus, I'd as lief wait; the hills will be naught without thee. Dost hear me, Master? Jesus smiled and dropped back into his meditations and from that day onward very little sufficed to remind him that he would end his days in the cenoby reading the Scriptures and interpreting them. In the cenoby, he said, men do not think, they only read, but in the fields a shepherd need never lose sight of the thought that leads him. A good shepherd can think while watching his sheep, and as the flock was feeding in good order, he took up the thread of a thought to which he had become attached since his discovery that signs and sounds of God's presence are never lacking on earth. As God's constant companion and confidant he had come to comprehend that the world of nature was a manifestation of the God he knew in himself. I know myself, he said one day, but I do not know the God which is above, for he seems to be infinite; nor do I know nature, which is beyond me, for that, too, seems to run into infinite, but infinite that is not that of God. A few moments later it seemed to him he might look upon himself as an islet between two infinities. But to which was he nearer in eternity? Ah, if he knew that! And it was then that a conviction fell upon him that if he remained on the hills he would be able to understand many things that were obscure to him to-day. It will take about two years, he said, and then many things that are dark will become clear. Two infinites, God and nature. At that moment a ewe wandering near some scrub caught his attention. A wolf, he said, may be lurking there. I must bring her back; and he put a stone into his sling. A wolf is lurking there, he continued, else Gorbotha would not stand growling. Gorbotha, a golden-haired dog, like a wolf in build, stood snuffing the breeze, whilst Thema, his sister, sought her master's hand. A moment after the breeze veered, bringing the scent to her, and the two dogs dashed forward into the scrub without finding either wolf or jackal lying in wait. All the same, he said, a wolf or a jackal must have been lying there, and not long ago, or else the dogs would not have growled and rushed to the onset as they did.
They returned perplexed and anxious to their master, who resumed his meditation, saying to himself that if aching bones obliged him to return to the cenoby he would have to give up thinking. For one only thinks well in solitude and when one thinks for oneself alone; but in the cenoby the brethren think together. All the same my life on the hills is not over yet, and an hour later he put his pipes to his lips and led his flock to different hills, for, guided by some subtle sense, he seemed to divine the springing up of new grass; and the shepherds, knowing of this instinct for pasturage, were wont to follow him, and he was often at pains to elude them, for on no hillside is there grass enough for many flocks.
My poor sheep, he said, as he watched them scatter over a grassy hillside. Ye're happy this springtime for ye do not know that your shepherd is about to be taken from you. But he has suffered too much in the winter we've come out of to remain on the hills many more years. Before leaving you he must discover a shepherd that will care for you as well as I have done. Amos is dead; there is no one in the cenoby that understands sheep. Would ye had speech to counsel me. But tell me, what would ye say if I were to leave you in Jacob's charge? He stood waiting, as if he expected the sheep to answer, and it was then it began to seem to Jesus he might as well entrust his flock to Jacob as to another.