Golden Dreams and Leaden Realities

by George Payson

"But," we persisted, "we might take a few preserves or crackers, or——"

"No; save your money. You'll want it more when you get to San Francisco. You'll eat at the same table with Mrs. Tape and the other ladies, and I suppose you don't want to live any better than they do."

"Oh dear! no, sir! not we! no indeed!"

"Well, then, it's all right," and away bustled little Mr. Tape to go through the same form with another applicant.

A few weeks sufficed to dispel the pleasing illusions which these assurances had produced. As the cabin was too small to accommodate us all, we divided into two messes; or, as we styled them in our amateur nautical phraseology, the starboard and larboard watches. But when all had recovered from sea-sickness, even this expedient was found insufficient, and here arose a plausible pretext for a third division. The captain, the supercargo, and the doctor retired with their wives into the after-cabin, already dignified by the presence of the library and piano; and thus, at one "unexpected blow, worse than of death," annihilated all our hopes of that feminine grace and propriety that was to preside over our meals, converting the salt junk into delicatest beef, the muddy coffee into nectar, and the ship-biscuit into ambrosian cates.

To be sure, we were still allowed to behold them at long intervals, sitting on deck in chairs lashed to the mizenmast, or to hear their dulcet voices, rising like a steam of rich distilled perfumes, through the skylight of the after-cabin; but our former state and dignity were departed forever. We no longer basked in the sunshine of royal favour, but resembled rather a capital city from which the seat of empire has been removed, and which is left to languish in obscurity and neglect. The steerage passengers regarded us with commiseration, or made odious comparisons in our hearing. The delicacies in which we should have shared, were borne past our door into the after-cabin, and their place supplied with lobscouse and dunderfunk—the first, a detestable hash or ragout of everything edible in the ship—the second, a johnnycake constructed on the same principle, except that the beef and pork were commonly excluded. I always looked with suspicion upon the man who professed a fondness for lobscouse; and if, in our expressive phrase, he was able "to go" dunderfunk, I avoided him as if he had the leprosy. It was impossible to reconcile such tastes with the least twinkle of high or generous feeling; one might as well associate with a cannibal or a ghoule.

In order to add the pleasures of anticipation to those of actual fruition, or to cheat our imaginations with the semblance of more terrene banquets, a bill of fare was duly provided, calculated, apparently, with the far-reaching accuracy of an almanac, for the whole duration of our voyage, and for any meridian. Here, each dish had its own peculiar day, to which it returned, from its hebdomedal revolution, with all the punctuality of Encke's comet. Two days—I remember them well—Monday and Thursday, were allotted to baked beans—three to salt beef, pork, and potatoes—one each to salt fish and ham. The names of Tuesday and Wednesday were lost in the more alluring and alliterative appellation of Dough-days; the first syllable being made, by a double analogy, to rhyme with tough. Some do even spell it Duff, but this is a manifest cacography, and of the most pernicious description, since it loses sight of the etymology of the word, which would otherwise at once explain its meaning to the most cursory reader.

For breakfast and supper, there were tea and coffee, most "pitiful hearted butter," pilot bread, lobscouse, and dunderfunk. Two or three times a week we had hot bread; once a week we had gingerbread; and, on one occasion, a nondescript article about which there was a good deal of curious speculation, till at length one, more ingenious than the rest, suggested that it was intended for an apple-pie. This solution was hailed with shouts of applause, and it was at once voted to present the article, with the thanks of the company, to the lucky discoverer, who happened to be the identical Charley so often mentioned; who being naturally of a philosophic and inquisitive temper, wished to add this unique specimen of naval architecture to a list of curiosities he was then engaged in collecting; and which already consisted of a shark's left eye "kep in spirits in a bottle," and a set of very ingenious checkers made out of his back bone.

The third week of our voyage a terrible feud arose among the passengers, something like that recorded by Gulliver as having existed between the Lilliputians and Blefuscians as to the proper method of eating eggs. The cause of quarrel in our case, however, was even more mighty and important, since it involved the nicest casuistry, and furnished the most unfailing test of character. The question at issue concerned the lobscouse, and the warcries of the contending parties were "onions" and "no onions." The two factions were almost equally divided; and, though the onionists had the captain on their side as well as most of the old fogies, the revolutionists, or liberals, as they styled themselves, by help of the doctor and supercargo, still upheld the war. As this dissension finally threatened the most serious consequences, a compromise was effected, and it was agreed to settle the difficulty by a division; when the parties being drawn up on either side of a seam in the deck, the disonionists were found to have a majority of one, and thus the matter was brought to a peaceful termination.