Thus did Christian ponder upon the problem of his destiny; but however humble his dream of happiness, it faded away before the idea of solitude.
“What is the meaning,” he said to himself, “of this longing for a serious love, by which I have been possessed for the last twenty-four hours? Hitherto, I have troubled myself but little about the morrow. Come, can I not apply to these cravings, to these cries of my heart, the good and sound philosophy which I opposed, in talking to Osburn, to material luxuries and comforts? If, in my project of reform, I can forget my physical wants, subject myself to the rudest physical hardships, can I not also impose silence upon my imagination, and forbid it this flattering dream of happiness? Why, how now, Christian! Since you have settled and decided that you have no peculiar claims to happiness, can you not accept your fate? can you not say to yourself: ‘What I have to do is not to breathe the perfume of roses; it is to walk over thorns without looking behind me’?”
Christian’s heart was torn as he tried to form this resolution, and his face was bathed with tears; he hid it in his hands, and bowed his head, as if asleep.
“What, Christian!” cried the major, rising from the table; “is this the moment for falling asleep, and for you, too, the most eager of us all for the hunt? Come and drink the stirrup cup, and let us start.”
Christian started up, crying bravo. His eyes were wet, but his smile was so gay that no one dreamed he had been weeping.
“We have now to decide,” resumed the major, “which of us shall have the honor of making the first attack upon his furred majesty.”
“Don’t you draw lots, and leave it for chance to decide?” said Christian. “I thought that was the custom.”
“So it is; but you entertained and interested us so much last evening, that we have been asking each other what we could do for you in return, and this is the conclusion to which the lieutenant and myself have arrived, with the consent of the corporal, whose vote is worth just as much as ours: we will draw lots, and the lucky one will have the pleasure of offering you the long straw.”
“Upon my word!” said Christian, “I am really very grateful for your kindness. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart, my excellent friends; but it is quite possible that you are sacrificing a pleasure that I am not worthy to appreciate. I have not claimed to be an ardent and skilful hunter. I am only a curious—”
“Do you feel any timidity?” rejoined the major. “If that is the case—”