Peck's Bad Boy in an airship

by George W. Peck

They made me show them how I worked my little pocket battery and then they wanted me to shake hands with all the crew so they got the whole bunch in the cabin and the captain said they had been entertaining an angel unawares, and that I was the original Bad Boy, who had traveled all over Europe and met the crowned heads, and he wanted to introduce me to each member of the crew personally, as a distinguished guest who honored the ship by being on board. Then he began to pass them up to be shook by the great and only.

The first fellow to put out his hand was a Greek, who drew a knife on me once because the coffee was weak, and I gave him a squeeze that sent a shock through his system that loosened his teeth, and when the captain alluded to me as the angel child who was loaded for fear, and who had a charmed life that could not be destroyed by knives or guns, the Greek looked at me in a respectful way as though he didn’t want to have any more truck with me.

Then a big Welshman came up and shook my hand, and when I gave him the third degree he let go and jumped out of the window of the cabin, on deck, and began to use language that was equal to Russian, and then a Swede came bowing to me, thinking I must be at least a crown prince, and when I squeezed his hand he looked at his fingers and his arm, and trembled and squirmed and said, “Ah tank a got yim yams,” and he lit out in a hurry.

A small Irishman came next, and as he was the one who promised to cut my ears off to serve on toast, I gave him the limit, and he curled up like a German dockshound and laid down to the mat, making motions with his mouth as though he was repeating poetry, and he said, “Kape away from me, ye hoodoo,” and he crawled out so quick it almost broke the door.

The captain and mate laughed every time I shook hands with any of the crew, and when I had paralyzed them all, and got them so scared they would come to me if I whistled, and eat out of my hand, the captain said I was worth more towards maintaining discipline on the boat than a whole police force, and he wanted me to do something every day to keep the crew from being lonely, so that night at supper time I charged all of the steel knives and forks with electricity and got two nigger chasers ready for business.

It was to be the last night before we landed in France, and I was prepared to make it a meal long to be remembered. I sat next to the captain, and that brought me right close to the crew’s table, and when the crew filed in and took their places, they all looked at me as though I was the devil instead of an “angel child.”

I had a match all ready and when the supper was put on and the crew grabbed their knives and forks they were shocked real hard, and they dropped them and yelled something like the swear words of each nationality, and then I put my nigger chasers down on the floor, headed for the crew’s table, and lit the fuse.

Well, you know how nigger chasers will chase. Gee, but they went under the crew’s table, smoking and hissing, the sparks flew, and the brave crew got up and run out on deck yelling “fire,” and “murder,” and “dam that boy,” and the man in charge of the fire hose turned it into the cabin and drowned everything out, and the crew run away and hid, and when things cleared off the captain said, “Boy, I like a joke as well as anybody, but you have overdone this thing, and I am mighty glad we land tomorrow, and you can go to your Pa and his confounded airships, and may the Lord have mercy on him.”

Then we went to bed, and I expected some of the crew would stab me before morning, but I guess they were too much rattled.

Gee, but I am dying to see Pa, and help him spend government money for eatings, seems as though I haven’t had a square meal since my chum and I struck that community near St. Louis, as escaped balloonaticks.