——YESTERDAY I made an end of revising all my Journals. Blessed be God for letting me have leisure to do it. I purpose to have a new edition before I see America. Alas! alas! in how many things have I judged, and acted wrong! I have been too rash and hasty in giving characters both of places and persons. Being fond of scripture language, I have often used a style too apostolical, and at the same time I have been too bitter in my zeal, wild-fire has been mixed with it; and I find that I have frequently written and spoken too much in my own spirit, when I thought I was writing and speaking entirely by the assistance of the Spirit of God. I have likewise too much made impressions, without the written word, my rule of acting; and too soon, and too explicitly, published what had better been kept in longer, or left to have been told after my death. By these things, I have given some wrong touches to God’s ark, hurt the blessed cause I would defend, and stirred up needless opposition. This has humbled me much since I have been on board, and made me think of a saying of Mr. Henry’s, “Joseph had more honesty than he had policy, or he never would have told his dreams.” At the same time, I cannot but bless, and praise, and magnify that good and gracious God, who imparted to me so much of his holy fire, and carried me, a poor weak youth, through such a torrent both of popularity and contempt, and set so many seals to my unworthy ministrations. I bless him for ripening my judgment a little more, for giving me to see, confess, and I hope in some degree to correct and amend some of its mistakes. I thank God for giving me grace to embark in such a blessed cause, and pray him to give me strength to hold on, and increase in zeal and love to the end. Thus, dear Sir, I have unburdened my heart to you. I look upon you to be my Fidus Achates, and therefore deal thus freely. If I have time and freedom before we land, I think to begin and write a short account of what has happened for these seven years last past; and when I get on shore, God willing, I purpose to revise and correct the first part of my life.”
This I am now about, and when finished, shall send it into the world, I hope in a more unexceptionable dress; though I am fully satisfied before-hand, that write or speak of the things of God as unexceptionably as may be, they will be always esteemed foolishness by the natural man, because they can only be spiritually discerned. However, the way of duty is the way of safety. Let me but be found in that, and I can then chearfully leave the consequences with God. In the mean while, I thank you, Sir, for pointing out to me a very wrong expression in the last part of my life. My words are these; “I could no longer walk on foot as usual; but was constrained to go in a coach, to avoid the Hosanna’s of the multitude.” Your remark runs thus, section 8. page 20. “Very profane, unless it be a false print for huzza’s.” I could wish it had been so; but the word was my own; and though not intended to convey a profane idea, was very wrong and unguarded, and I desire may be buried in oblivion, unless you, or some other kind person, are pleased to remind me of it, in order to lay me low before God and man.
A review of all this, together with my having dropped some too strong expressions concerning absolute reprobation; and more especially, my mentioning Mr. Wesley’s casting a lot on a private occasion, known only to God and ourselves, have put me to great pain. Speaking of this last, you say, page 75. “A more judicious sentiment, perhaps, never dropt from Mr. Whitefield’s pen.” I believe, Sir, the advice given was right and good; but then it was wrong in me to publish a private transaction to the world; and very ill judged, to think the glory of God could be promoted by unnecessarily exposing my friend. For this I have asked both God and him pardon years ago. And though I believe both have forgiven me, yet I believe I shall never be able to forgive myself. As it was a public fault, I think it should be publicly acknowledged; and I thank a kind providence for giving me this opportunity of doing it.
As for the letters, out of which you, and the author of the “Observations on the conduct and behaviour of the Methodists,” have taken so many extracts, I acknowledge that many things in them were very exceptionable, though good in the main; and therefore they have been suppressed some time. Casting lots, I do not now approve of, nor have I for several years; neither do I think it a safe way (though practised, I doubt not, by many good men) to make a lottery of the scriptures, by dipping into them upon every occasion.
And now, Sir, I am somewhat prepared to hear what follows in your 48th page. “Nothing less than inspirations, revelations, illuminations, and all the extraordinary and immediate actions of all the persons in the sacred Trinity, will serve their turn. So that now every flash of zeal and devotion; every wild pretension, scheme, tenet, and over-bearing dictate; impulses, impressions, feelings, impetuous transports and raptures; intoxicating vapours, and fumes of imagination; phantoms of a crazy brain, &c. all are ascribed, with an amazing presumption, to the extraordinary interposition of heaven setting its seal to their mission.”
Judge you now, Sir, whether I am one of those, of whom you are pleased to speak thus, page 49. “In short, whatever they think, say, or do, is from God; and whatever opposeth, and stands in their way, is from the Devil.” No, Sir, my mistakes have been too many, and my blunders too frequent, to make me set up for infallibility. I came soon into the world; I have carried high sail, whilst running through a whole torrent of popularity and contempt; and, by this means, have sometimes been in danger of oversetting. But many and frequent as my mistakes have been, or may be, as I have no part to act, if I know any thing of my heart, but to promote God’s glory, and the good of souls, as soon as I am made sensible of them, they shall be publicly acknowledged and retracted.
At the same time, I should lie against reason, scripture, and above fourteen years experience, if I denied, that God has been pleased, from time to time, to vouchsafe me comfortable assistance and supports; or that a great and glorious work (if the conversion of souls may be termed so) has been begun, and is now carrying on in these, and several other parts of the world, by the instrumentality of those whom you stile enthusiastical Methodists.
Indeed, the ingenious author of the “Considerations upon the conversion and apostleship of St. Paul,” speaking of the enthusiasm that appears not only in the lives of some enthusiastical heretics, but even some of the methodists now, ventures to say, that “all the divine communications, illuminations, and extacies to which they have pretended, evidently sprung from much self-conceit, working together with the vapours of melancholy upon a warm imagination.” That the mentioning these divine communications so freely to the world, might be mixed with some degrees of unobserved vanity, or want of caution, may be probable. But roundly to assert, that all their communications were only pretended, and sprung from no other sources but self-conceit, vapours of melancholy, and a warm imagination, is I think unbecoming so young a convert as that author, is a blemish to his performance, and a mistake which, I trust, he himself will be happily convinced of, when he comes to experience more of the power of that Redeemer’s resurrection, which the Apostle, of whose conversion he in the main so excellently treats, longed so much to know.
Without running such lengths in judging others, or needlessly fearing to be accounted enthusiasts or methodists ourselves; when writing in defence of christianity, I think we may rationally allow, that there may be much light and assistance given from God, though at the same time something of our own imaginations may possibly be blended with it.
This I take to be true with respect to the Methodists. That imagination has mixed itself with the work, cannot be denied; and is no more than what must necessarily be expected; for whoever saw fire without some smoke? but that the work itself is of God; and as good Bishop Latimer said, when the papists laid a lighted faggot at Dr. Ridley’s feet, so we may venture to affirm, “a candle is lighted in England (through the instrumentality of the Methodists,) which will not easily be put out.”