To His Eminence the High Priest of Baal, beloved of the Lord and the Devil, Grand High Potentate of the Knights of Kadish, Beloved Minister of the Holy of Holies, the sacred Grove of Asherah.
Behold the Great King Solomon, Lord of the Earth and the Sea, Patron of God Almighty, Imperial Potentate of the Imperial Divan of Ashtoreth, Grand High Mucky-Muck and Past Grand Master of the Phallic Cult.
Sends Greeting. And doth herein represent that he hasn’t a thing in the way of nice girls, only but just a thousand old hens that were passé in three days after their respective inauspicious arrivals, and the heart of the Great King doth yearn for a vision of youth and beauty from the corn fields of Bethlehem. If thou wouldst save the King’s life, get a move on and corral a fair virgin, with golden hair and eyes of blue, for verily a brunette doth make the King tired. The King recommendeth thee to bring the fair one to the back door of the palace, at the entering-in of the woodshed, for behold the thousand old hens have two thousand eyes, and each eye is jealous of your unhappy Solomon. Verily, they are determined that we shall not have a thing that is fresh and fair to look upon. They are a lot of old cats, and we pray thee to promulgate a feast to Moloch and Baal, and announce to the multitude that seven hundred back-number princesses and three hundred fat old concubines have been devoted, and will be passed through the fire to Moloch and Baal, and will be basted and roasted to a turn and served to the people with the gravy oozing out. May the blessings of the Great Gods Ashtoreth, Chemoth and Baal be with thee and thine.
Yours fraternally, SOLOMON.
One night King Solomon, together with his two old cronies, Hiram of Tyre and Hiram Abiff, went a-hunting in Jerusalem, which at that period was a noted sporting resort, abounding in all kinds of game. At length they caught a coon near the North Gate, at the high place of Asher, where were worshipped the images of the male, and took her to the king’s palace. She says (Sol. Song, 1-4): “The King hath brought me into his chambers.” Having reached the King’s apartments, Solomon said to Hiram of Tyre: “Wouldst thy Majesty kindly rush the duck? Thou wilt find the can behind the throne. And thou Abiff, wilt thou be so good as to go out in the woodshed and play tag with thyself for a season and half a season, while I pass the salve to this colored lady?”
Having got rid of the crowd, Solomon says: “Behold thou art fair my love, thou hast dove’s eyes. Thy nose is like unto the Tower of Lebanon that looketh toward Damascus, and the beautiful hump in the centre thereof is like unto that of a camel, that wabbleth ever this way and that.” And the buxom nigger wench, pouting her ruby, liver lips, replies: “Kiss me with the kisses of thy mouth, for thy love is better than wine. Because of the savor of thy good ointments, which counteract the Jewish odor diligently collected since thy last annual bath, therefore do the virgins love thee. I am black, but comely. I am not a nigger, but only tanned. They made me the keeper of vineyards, (deleted by the censor). Place thy left hand beneath my head, and thy right hand shall embrace me, (deleted by the censor). My beloved is mine, and I am his, a bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me.”
During the tête-à-tête, the captivating beauty was absent-mindedly picking the Tower of Lebanon, when Solomon said: “Knowest thou not that our laws prohibit the touching of the unwashed fingers to the nose, mouth or eyes. The Talmud says: ‘The evil spirit Bath Chorin rests upon the hands at night and will not depart until water is poured upon him three times over.’ That fairy tale is for the ignorant rabble. You and I have the gnosis. Some of the prophets say that the worship of Asherah, in which we indulge, is reprehensible, but who fashioned the first Grove among us? Ask them that.” In Jasher, 27-27, it is said that Abraham formed at Beersheba a Grove, and that he practiced all kinds of abominations. He gave to his seventeen children by Katurah charms by which they could exorcise spirits and perform all sorts of miracles in the black art.
When King Hiram returned with the booze, anticipating a jolly orgy with the wise one, he pounded loudly on the door of the King’s chamber. Solomon, being busy, petulantly said: “Get thee hence Hiram, or I will have the cop run thee in.” Then King Hiram was exceeding wroth, and threatened to make war on Solomon and come up to Jerusalem with one hundred thousand warriors and take the fair colored charmer away from the seductive Jewish King. Then Solomon replied: “Chase thyself back, Hiram, to besotted Tyre and make love to that great pillar, which, with much pomp and ceremony, thou hast recently erected there, and which thou dost salute with the holy kiss every morning at sunrise.”
CHAPTER XVI.
The Mystic Societies.
Pope Pius IX was accused of saying: “Damn the clandestine societies.” Oh, My! such shocking language, and so unjust too, for these quasi-religious societies, even like certain churches, were anciently faithful devotees of, and expert manipulators of the mystic symbols.