The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel

by George Yellott

In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly appropriate."

With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:

"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal place of the immortal Mæonides was claimed by seven famous cities of ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced the illustrious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even more hopeless than it is at present.

"It is equally out of our power to designate the particular period when this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate circumstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after one of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views led to many warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise, it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She was much struck with the passage, and proposed the name of Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously remarked that the name was so long that nobody would ever give the boy the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that, in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he had once been a publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles, after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.

"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.

"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose, until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel of the war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the vale of obscurity,—in the valley of Ajalon,—then surmounting the intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen, and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference to its actual magnitude. We once heard an old lawyer, who was laudator temporis acti, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the non-professional multitude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.

"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon. Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appetite which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous quantities of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that he was extremely fond of buttermilk, and would loiter around the dairy on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk, he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet, and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.

"Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase his pecuniary resources was exceedingly doubtful, as there was no probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits, as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth. With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold; and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.

"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the severe trial with fortitude and resignation.

"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.