Alexina sat cold and rigid. Once she pinched her arm. She fancied it had turned to stone.
He dropped into a chair and leaning forward twisted his hands together.
"If you knew … if you knew … what I have been through…. At first it was only the anxiety and excitement. But afterward, when it was over … when there was nothing left to speculate with … then I realized what I had done … I … a thief … a thief…. I had been so proud of my honor, my honesty. I never had believed that I could even be tempted. And I went to pieces like a cheaply built schooner in its first storm. There's nothing, it seems, in being well brought up, when circumstances are too strong for you."
Alexina forebore the obvious reply. "Of course you were a little mad," she said, rather at a loss.
"No, I wasn't. I'd always been a cool speculator, and I'd never taken long chances in business before. It all looked too good and I got in too deep. But if I could have repaid it all I'd feel nearly as demoralized. That I should have stolen … and from women…."
Again Alexina restrained herself. The dead monotonous voice went on.
"I thought once or twice of killing myself. It didn't seem to me that I had the right to live. I had always had the best ideals, the strictest sense of right and wrong … It does not seem possible even now."
Alexina could endure no more. Another moment and she felt that she should be looking straight into a naked soul. She felt so sorry for him that she quite forgot her own wrongs or her horror of his misdeeds. She wished that she still loved him, he looked so forlorn and in need of the physical demonstrations of sympathy; but although she was prepared to defend him if need be, and help him as best she could, she felt that she would willingly die rather than touch him…. She wondered if souls in dissolution subtly wafted their odors of corruption if you drew too close….
"Well, what is done is done," she said briskly. "I'll tell Gora and engage that she will never mention it. You have suffered enough. Now let us discuss ways and means. Does this new business permit you to contribute anything to the household expenses?"
"I'm afraid not. It takes time to work up a business."