My friend was easily guided, and having left out what he considered the most difficult to swallow, the work was finished; but after all I was too indulgent, and allowed much to remain which ought to have been expunged: the fact is, as I said before, although I saw what my duty was, I had not then the moral courage to act entirely up to it, a courage which is the particular gift of God's grace.
My reformation must have been the immediate work of God, and therefore from Him I felt myself destined to receive the perception and knowledge of the truth. St. Paul gloried in having received the Gospel not from men, but from God, through whose command he also received authority to preach it. His reform was instantaneous, as was his conversion, and they are wonderful in our eyes. A gradual conversion and a progressive reformation are not so astonishing. The lightning flash amid the darkness of night affects the senses in a far greater degree than the opening dawn that gradually brightens into day. I imagined I had already received the full day-light of truth, whereas it was only that of the morning star, the sweet harbinger of a brighter day. What shall I say then of my entire conversion? God alone knoweth. My understanding unquestionably began to be illuminated about that time, but the conversion of my heart took place at a much later period. I began to be aware that we are not saved by our own merits, but by the merits of Christ; I knew, moreover, that those merits are not imputed to us by the efficacy of the sacraments, but by virtue of faith. This, which I deem the only true system of salvation, I already taught in the schools, preached in the pulpit, and sustained in public, as well as in private conversation: therefore it was that I had incurred the hatred of the priesthood, and of the Jesuits of the Romish Church. But for all this I was not as yet converted at heart. So true it was, that I did not at that time even understand the difference between these two conversions. I was already a Protestant, but not yet sufficiently a Christian. My life had not undergone a formal and complete change, but only a partial amendment. My virtue arose from self-love, and not from faith. I had acquired some practice in the habit of well-doing, but was not yet guided by Divine inspiration. My heart had desires, but not affections. I spoke of Divine love, but did not yet experience it in my soul. Oh! what joy possessed me when I first began to feel its influence. Oh! how delightful is the life of a believer. He lives by faith. He may vacillate for a moment, but he soon returns to the principle that forms the system of his life. The believer, far from considering himself infallible or sinless, feels, on the contrary, the weakness of his nature, trembles for his safety, and incessantly humbles himself before God. True faith does not attribute to man strength that he does not possess. Peter was weak when he believed himself to be strong. Jesus Christ said to the Apostles, "All ye shall be offended, because of me this night."[53] And what was Peter's reply? "Although all shall be offended, yet will not I." And lo! Peter the believer, who esteemed himself stronger than all his brethren, and vaunted himself accordingly, met with the severest humiliation. Who would say with Cephas, "If I should die with thee, I will not deny thee in any wise?" To such a one the reply is ready: "Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice."[54]
So true it is that conversion is the work of faith, and this comes by grace. In me faith has been awakened after much experience, accompanied by conviction in the understanding, and affection in the heart. I thank the Lord, who has made me a believer through His grace; and so much the more do I thank Him, as He has given me this grace for the conversion of others. I felt the necessity of my giving up a system which I had found defective in so many points, and experienced a strong desire to assist others in getting out of the same mire. I could no longer hide the truths I had discovered. I seemed a traitor to myself, to my duty, and to the will of God, in concealing my enlightenment; while on the other hand, I saw the danger of publicly acknowledging it. The only way was, to communicate my principles in secret. But the Inquisition is a tremendous power, it possesses every possible means of discovering the most hidden secrets; and in that part of Italy where its laws are in vigour, nothing is concealed from its penetration.
I began my mission in the manner I have related, and the Inquisition soon commenced its proceedings against me. More than once did its officers try to circumvent me, and arrest my progress; but the beneficent hand of Providence was over me, and guided and protected me; so that I never feared anything. No one knew better than I did the artifices of that diabolical tribunal, and the means it employed to hunt out its object. And yet I was not afraid; I felt a certain secret assurance in my mind of my final success. I accordingly quietly pursued the path that Providence and the hand of the Lord had opened out to me, knowing not where my steps might lead me. I was like a man blindfolded, but led by a faithful friend; sure of His care and love, I willingly abandoned myself to His direction.
I will now state what happened to me on leaving Rome in 1835, as well as what took place after my departure from Italy, in 1842. All which will fully explain the complete history of my conversion; which, while it has been to me the most fortunate event of my whole life, will also, I hope, prove the commencement of an era in the history of Italy which my fellow-countrymen have been expecting and looking for during the last 300 years. I look upon this circumstance as the first link of a long chain, that is one day to be completed. My individual conversion and reformation will, it is to be hoped, be the means of effecting that of many others; how or in what manner, I am unable to judge; certainly not as calculated upon in the popish sanhedrin, but according to the secret arrangements of the Most High. I read in this conversion of mine a most extraordinary event: Rome did all she could to retain me as her defender, as a theologian qualified in every respect to serve her purposes; and I, on the contrary, against the inclination of the natural man, did all in my power to show how much I despised her service, and her flattering offers,—indifferent alike to her honours and her gifts; drawing down upon myself her eternal odium and vengeance. Still I must acknowledge, that it was not myself, but a secret spirit within me, that resisted; overruling my natural inclinations, and preventing my being led away by the proffered allurements of ambition and wealth. I began to look without apprehension on my position with respect to the Church, and my duties connected with it. The dormant idea of Hierarchy had faded from my mind, and that of Community occupied its place. I required not the assistance of the pope to understand the Bible; I looked to the Saviour alone to elevate my soul towards God. It had now become impossible for me to remain any longer under so vile a subjection. Higher aspirations came over me; I was led into other paths, through the adorable dispositions of that Providence by whom the destinies of all men are ordained; the same which, after having permitted for all-wise ends the abomination of popery to dominate during so many ages in Italy, seems now to will its destruction. So may it be. Amen.
FOOTNOTES:
[39] Rom. xiv. 17.
[40] St. John vi. 63.
[41] Acts x. 13.
[42] Christ-eater.