He sat down on the broad window-ledge, still sipping his whiskey and milk, as he looked at her. She was very good to see. Presently she had to cross a little plot of grass. The dew was still on it. She gathered up her skirts and tip-toed quickly across it. The action was attractive enough, for she had a lithe smoothness of motion. Suddenly he uttered an exclamation of surprise.
“White stockings—humph!” he said.
Somehow those white stockings suggested the ironical comment of the world upon his proposed mesalliance; then he laughed good-humouredly.
“Taste is all a matter of habit, anyhow,” said he to himself. “My own sister wouldn’t have had any better taste if she hadn’t been taught. And what am I?
“What am I? I drink more whiskey in a day than any three men in the country. I don’t do a stroke of work; I’ve got debts all over the world; I’ve mulcted all my friends; I’ve made fools of two or three women in my time; I’ve broken every commandment except—well, I guess I’ve broken every one, if it comes to that, in spirit, anyhow. I’m a thief, a fire-eating highwayman, begad, and here I am, with a perforated lung, going to marry a young girl like that, without one penny in the world except what I stole! What beasts men are! The worst woman may be worse than the worst man, but all men are worse than most women. But she wants to marry me. She knows exactly what I am in health and prospects; so why shouldn’t I?”
He drew himself up, thinking honestly. He believed that he would live if he married Christine; that his “cold” would get better; that the hole in his lung would heal. It was only a matter of climate; he was sure of it. Christine had a few hundred dollars—she had told him so. Suppose he took three hundred dollars of the five thousand dollars: that would leave four thousand seven hundred dollars for his sister. He could go away south with Christine, and could live on five or six hundred dollars a year; then he’d be fit for something. He could go to work. He could join the Militia, if necessary. Anyhow, he could get something to do when he got well.
He drank some more whiskey and milk. “Self-preservation, that’s the thing; that’s the first law,” he said. “And more: if the only girl I ever loved, ever really loved—loved from the crown of her head to the sole of her feet—were here to-day, and Christine stood beside her, little plebeian with a big heart, by Heaven, I’d choose Christine. I can trust her, though she is a little liar. She loves, and she’ll stick; and she’s true where she loves. Yes; if all the women in the world stood beside Christine this morning, I’d look them all over, from duchess to danseuse, and I’d say, ‘Christine Lavilette, I’m a scoundrel. I haven’t a penny in the world. I’m a thief; a thief who believes in you. You know what love is; you know what fidelity is. No matter what I did, you would stand by me to the end. To the last day of my life, I’ll give you my heart and my hand; and as you are faithful to me, so I will be faithful to you, so help me God!’
“I don’t believe I ever could have run straight in life. I couldn’t have been more than four years old when I stole the peaches from my mother’s dressing-table; and I lied just as coolly then as I could now. I made love to a girl when I was ten years old.” He laughed to himself at the remembrance. “Her father had a foundry. She used to wear a red dress, I remember, and her hair was brown. She sang like a little lark. I was half mad about her; and yet I knew that I didn’t really love her. Still, I told her that I did. I suppose it was the cursed falseness of my whole nature. I know that whenever I have said most, and felt most, something in me kept saying all the time: ‘You’re lying, you’re lying, you’re lying!’ Was I born a liar?
“I wonder if the first words I ever spoke were a lie? I wonder, when I kissed my mother first, and knew that I was kissing her, if the same little devil that sits up in my head now, said then: ‘You’re lying, you’re lying, you’re lying.’ It has said so enough times since. I loved to be with my mother; yet I never felt, even when she died—and God knows I felt bad enough then!
“I never felt that my love was all real. It had some infernal note of falseness somewhere, some miserable, hollow place where the sound of my own voice, when I tried to speak the truth, mocked me! I wonder if the smiles I gave, before I was able to speak at all, were only blarney? I wonder, were they only from the wish to stand well with everybody, if I could? It must have been that; and how much I meant, and how much I did not mean, God alone knows!