At such moments life became a conflict—almost a terror—for as yet he had not swung into line with the new order of things. In truth, there was no order of things; for one life was behind him and the new one was not yet decided upon, save that here he would stay—here out of the world, out of the game, far from old associations, cut off, and to be for ever cut off, from all that he had ever known or seen or felt or loved!... Loved! When did he ever love? If love was synonymous with unselfishness, with the desire to give greater than the desire to get, then he had never known love. He realised now that he had given Kathleen only what might be given across a dinner-table—the sensuous tribute of a temperament, passionate without true passion or faith or friendship. Kathleen had known that he gave her nothing worth the having; for in some meagre sense she knew what love was, and had given it meagrely, after her nature, to another man, preserving meanwhile the letter of the law, respecting that bond which he had shamed by his excesses.
Kathleen was now sitting at another man’s table—no, probably at his own table—his, Charley Steele’s own table in his own house—the house he had given her by deed of gift the day he died. Tom Fairing was sitting where he used to sit, talking across the table—not as he used to talk—looking into Kathleen’s face as he had never looked. He was no more to them than a dark memory. “Well, why should I be more?” he asked himself. “I am dead, if not buried. They think me down among the fishes. My game is done; and when she gets older and understands life better, Kathleen will say, ‘Poor Charley—he might have been anything!’ She’ll be sure to say that some day, for habit and memory go round in a circle and pass the same point again and again. For me—they take me by the throat—” He put his hand up as if to free his throat from a grip, his tongue touched his lips, his hands grew restless.
“It comes back on me like a fit of ague, this miserable thirst. If I were within sight of Jolicoeur’s saloon, I should be drinking hard this minute. But I’m here, and—” His hand felt his pocket, and he took out the powders the great surgeon had sent him.
“He knew—how did he know that I was a drunkard? Does a man carry in his face the tale he would not tell? Jo says I didn’t talk of the past, that I never had delirium, that I never said a word to suggest who I was, or where I came from. Then how did the doctor—man know? I suppose every particular habit carries its own signal, and the expert knows the ciphers.” He opened the paper containing the powders, and looked round for water, then paused, folded the paper up, and put it in his pocket again. He went over to the window and looked out. His shoulders set square. “No, no, no, not a speck on my tongue!” he said. “What I can’t do of my own will is not worth doing. It’s too foolish, to yield to the shadow of an old appetite. I play this game alone—here in Chaudiere.”
He looked out and down. The sweet sun of early spring was shining hard, and the snow was beginning to pack, to hang like a blanket on the branches, to lie like a soft coverlet over all the forest and the fields. Far away on the frozen river were saplings stuck up to show where the ice was safe—a long line of poles from shore to shore—and carioles were hurrying across to the village. Being market-day, the place was alive with the cheerful commerce of the habitant. The bell of the parish church was ringing. The sound of it came up distantly and peacefully. Charley drew a long breath, turned away to a pail of water, filled a dipper half full, and drank it off gaspingly. Then he returned to the window with a look of relief.
“That does it,” he said. “The horrible thing is gone again—out of my brain and out of my throat.”
As he stood there, Jo came up the hill with a bundle in his arms. Charley watched him for a moment, half whimsically, half curiously. Yet he sighed once too as Portugais opened the door and came into the room. “Well done, Jo!” said he. “You have ‘em?”
“Yes, M’sieu’. A good suit, and I believe they’ll fit. Old Trudel says it’s the best suit he’s made in a year. I’m afraid he’ll not make many more suits, old Trudel.
“He’s very bad. When he goes there’ll be no tailor—ah, old Trudel will be missed for sure, M’sieu’!”
Jo spread the clothes out on the table—a coat, waistcoat, and trousers of fulled cloth, grey and bulky, and smelling of the loom and the tailor’s iron. Charley looked at them interestedly, then glanced at the clothes he had on, the suit that had belonged to him last year—grave-clothes.