[Two days have passed. Jan. 1st.]
I meet the new year very sad, depressed, unwell. I cannot work and my stomach aches all the time.
Received a letter from Verkholensk from Phedoseev about the Dukhobors, a very touching one.[279]
Still another letter from the editor The Adult about free love.[280] If I had time, I would like to write about this subject. Probably I shall write. The most important is to show that the whole matter lies in appropriating to oneself possibilities of the greatest enjoyment without thinking of consequences. Besides, they preach something which already exists and is very bad. Why would the absence of outer restraint[281] improve the whole thing? I am, of course, against any regulation and for full freedom, but the ideal is chastity and not pleasure.
I have been thinking during this time only one thing and it seems an important thing, namely:
1) We all think that our duty, our vocation, is to do various things: bring up children, make a fortune, write a book, discover a law in science, etc. But for all the work is only one thing: to carry out one’s own life—to act so that life would be a harmonious, good, and rational matter. And the work ought to be not before people, to leave behind one a memory of a good life, but the work is before God: to present to Him oneself, one’s soul, better than it was, nearer to Him, more submissive to Him, more in harmony with Him.
To think so—and principally to feel so—is very difficult: One always wanders off for human praise. But it is possible and ought to be done.
Help me, Lord. I sometimes feel this and do at this moment.
Jan. 2. Moscow. If I live.