His surrounding life[a16] which tortured him called forth long periods of agony, dejection and fall of spirits. But with the thoughts about love towards enemies,[a17] there came to him the urge to look upon his work, as the work of love which was given to him, and again peace possessed him, “because a loving one.”[a18] But soon again this peace became principally an outer one, and within himself he again wavered.[a19] Again he is “ashamed and depressed because of the consciousness of the lawlessness of his life.”[a20]
After a month, he makes an entry in his Journal, but tears it out, putting only the words, “A bad and sterile month” and adds, “Have torn out, burned, what I have written in heat.”[a21] Then for a long time he wrote nothing, and during this time he “lived through much that was difficult and good.”[a22] On the 8th of July he wrote his very famous letter to his wife, which she received after his death,[a23] which began with the words, “It is already a long time that I am tortured by the lack of harmony between my life and my beliefs” and in which further on he wrote about his decision to do that which “he had wanted to do for a long time: to go away.” But no matter how difficult the conditions of his family life were at this time, they were not yet sufficiently ripe to bring him over to a definite decision to leave his family, and to fulfil his ancient dream of life in more simple conditions among working people. And in view of the fact that he decided to change his decision, he gave the above-mentioned letter for safe-keeping to his son-in-law, Prince N. L. Obolensky, with the request to give it to the one designated, when he was no longer among the living. Although Tolstoi remained this time in Yasnaya Polyana, his life among master-class conditions did not cease to burden him even for a short time, and he felt himself alone,[a24] he often experienced sorrow as before, and in spirit he felt “solemn,” “gloomy.”[a25]
At the end of that year (1897), he wrote the thought in his Journal, of the tragedy of the situation of “a man kindly disposed wishing only the good” but who in return meets only “hissing malice and the hatred of people.”[a26] And soon again he writes in his Journal that he is in an agonised, sad, crushed state,[a27] which, however, he is trying to fight off with all his strength. (“The house is depressing but I want to and will be joyous.”[a28]) But this inner struggle in spiritual isolation was of course not easy, and demanded great spiritual strength before it could be fully successful. He was constantly tortured by the injustice of his surrounding life and his own almost futile situation in this life; and he becomes “at times good and calm, at times uneasy and not good.”[a29] In this state he often wants to cry,[a30] and only in time does his condition become less agitated and sometimes even entirely calm.
In the summer of 1898, Tolstoi was twice seriously ill. After these illnesses he entered in his Journal the joy of getting well and a clearness of thinking. Soon after this he underwent new spiritual experiences and in July, 1898, he again considered going away from the conditions of life in Yasnaya Polyana which were depressing and which were against his philosophy. He then wrote a letter to A. A. Järnefelt and made a note in the Journal that he has no strength to withstand the customary temptation,[a31] i. e., the desire to go away; it was to Järnefelt that he turned with the request to help him in his plan of going away which he was then considering. But this time also, “the temptation passed,” as he wrote him later. And again his life flowed on as before.
The thought of “going away” came to Tolstoi more than once, both early and late, but he considered it a temptation because it would have been spiritually much more easy for him to go away than to refrain from this step. As he expressed himself once, he believed that when there is a doubt in one’s soul, as to which one of two possible steps one should take, then it were better to give preference to that one in which there is the greatest self-sacrifice.
In 1899, Tolstoi felt himself spiritually improved and notwithstanding his severely undermined health, he occupied himself much and fruitfully with Resurrection. In the autumn of that year he made the entry in the Journal, “I have wrought for myself a calm which is not to be disturbed: not to speak and to know that this is necessary: that it is under these conditions one ought to live.”[a32]
Only ten years later, the circumstances arose which freed Tolstoi from the consciousness of the moral responsibility to remain in the conditions of his home life. And having come to the conclusion of the absolute inevitability of going away, he dared, only ten days before his end, to freely give himself to his cherished wish to change the outer conditions of his life.
[a6] I consider it absolutely necessary to mention that this exposition has been carefully revised by V. G. Chertkov, who, having been connected with Tolstoi by a friendship of many years, was closely acquainted with the home conditions of his outer life, as well as with the most intimate characteristic of his inner life.