"The doctor's widow, my landlady, remarked that for some days I had not conversed with the cheerfulness that had before pleased her so well, because it gave her the opportunity of introducing her usual complaints and old tales; I was no longer of use to her in this, and, still worse, was always withdrawing from them. So she asked me what was the reason? I was so surprised, that I confessed I had a proposal to be professor at Altorf; it required a quick decision, and I must take it into serious consideration. This information, that I might soon leave, appeared to excite both mother and daughter, and I now began to be sharper in my observations than I had been formerly. Hitherto I had thought nothing about the daughter, who took care of everything in the house, and seldom remained after we had finished our meals, and only treated her according to the laws of civility; and I did not consider it a part of this civility, either to kiss her hand, or to indulge in small talk. The mother, with all her gay vivacity, had kept her daughter very strictly, as she was not quite pleased with the free mode of life which already began to prevail among her sex at Coburg. She maintained the old principles, in which she had herself been brought up in Saalfeld; she had few visitors at her house, as indeed she had not much time for it, so orderly was the manner in which the household was managed. It is true it was called avarice and parsimony, but for a city such housekeeping is very necessary; and those who so willingly spend their money, that they must borrow, should at least not judge ill of the indispensable benefactors from whom they borrow. I knew the daily tranquil enjoyment that pervaded this home, and I found therein assuredly far more happiness than in many others where there were splendour and bustle.
"Now I called to mind that some persons in Coburg had already warned me against this acquaintance, which I nevertheless found so uniformly blameless. I watched more narrowly, and it appeared to me as if I was regarded favourably; only when I came to draw my conclusions, whether I should endeavour to help myself by means of this quiet and virtuous daughter, my heart fell within me. What reason had I to entertain any hopes, as I had for nearly a whole year been guilty of marked inattention? She had already refused a professor, and I knew other proofs of her acting with independent and not over hasty deliberation, where many others, from an inclination to vanity, would have decided hastily. It was the less probable that she would accept me, as I had no outward advantages to offer. I nevertheless showed greater attention, both to mother and daughter, than I had done hitherto, but still undecided in my mind.
"At this time I wrote to my sister at Saalfeld; the contents of this letter were sad enough; it was to this effect, that on account of some small debts, merely caused by the difficulty of raising money, I should be obliged to renounce altogether the dear friend of that place, who nevertheless, I honoured profoundly. I was not in a position to follow the bent of my affections.
"If I was to attempt to borrow money in Saalfeld, my father would certainly prevent it, as I had clearly remarked, that he had always endeavoured to dissuade me from my plans, and admonished me not to run counter to Providence by over haste. I passed many sorrowful hours before I received an answer from Saalfeld, and still more when I did receive it, and found that this separation was finally settled. Very serious reflections upon many similar cases tranquillised me by degrees, although my high esteem for that worthy young person was unalterable.
"But so much the more I felt my very insignificant position; and, thus truly humiliated, I reproached myself continually. I asked myself whether I was to call upon this dutiful and virtuous daughter to give so much money for me, of which she certainly had as little thought as her mother; for it was undoubtedly not with this view that she had shown me so many courtesies. She had long considered me as having a decided inclination for some one; she often reminded me in a friendly way about Halle, and how I had often praised openly and with such great feeling the incomparable Dr. Baumgarten; and just because I had shown so much diffidence and lively feeling with regard to Halle, she had thought favourably of me, and had assumed that I had a settled engagement there. How was I now all at once to convince her that it was otherwise, without giving an open field for divers detrimental thoughts and observations on myself? I alone know how entirely depressed was my spirit at this time; how I spent my days and nights restless and dejected, till at last I learnt to bow myself to the universal law of God's government.
"I more than once perplexed myself again with strong doubts whether I was important enough for Divine Providence to occupy Himself with me, and whether all my anxieties were not the consequences of my faults and my inconsiderate conduct; in short, I could no longer continue in this depressing condition, as I had no time to lose in complaints. I must announce myself at Nuremberg so many days before Petri Pauli. Now I wrote two letters, one to the mother, and inclosed in it another to the daughter, wherein I revealed my views, but at the same time distinctly showed my present position, and appealed to their own knowledge and judgment of my principles, and confided myself to them. It was impossible for me by word of mouth to express so carefully and clearly all the necessary details.
"This letter I took with me when I went to supper, and placed it in the mother's prayer-book, which always lay by her place, so that the letter must, without fail, come into her hands this same evening. I did not otherwise allow anything to be perceived, but went away somewhat earlier than I had hitherto done, that there might be more time left for the discovery, and for their deliberation.
"In the letter I begged of the mother, if she found what I proposed was decidedly objectionable, that she would not lay the letters before her daughter, but would send them both back to me, and then would kindly ascribe my too great confidence to her indulgence. In proportion as my life had been hitherto solitary, the deeper was the impression made in my soul by my anxious and uncertain wishes; my spirit now began to raise itself more earnestly to God in a deep and entire submission, that I might more and more be weaned from the trivial occurrences of life and their results, by looking to eternity. I found an increase of tranquillity, and a contented submission to all the dispensations of Providence, which I had long so vainly endeavoured to create in myself.
"Three days passed, during which we met as inmates of the same house, as though nothing had passed between us which required an answer, and I was persuaded that it was a kind way of sparing my feelings, that my proposal was to be buried in silence, as they wished to relieve me from an unpleasant explanation. As usual, I was always too desponding. The following Sunday--it was the 10th of June, 1751--as I was leaving the table after dinner, the Frau Doctorin asked me to drink a cup of coffee with her that afternoon. Still she kept her countenance so completely, that I could not promise myself much advantage from this invitation. The next two hours I spent promenading in the open air, in a very composed state of mind, recalling many vanished ideas and wishes, and in much sorrow at the prospect of my shortly impending journey, which must now take me far from Saalfeld and Halle.[[88]] Thus I did not return very soon, and went straight to her room. I immediately discovered such an expression of natural, earnest, and approving friendship in the countenance of the mother, who came forward to meet me, that I could no longer doubt the success of my proposal, and my feelings also became equally visible when I began to speak. The feelings of all three were similar and showed themselves perceptibly in our eyes, a kind of joyful solemnity ensued, and we all three returned thanks to God. The mother laid before me the two letters, and asked, 'Do you confess that you have written these?' 'Oh, yes,' I said, and kissed her hand. She kissed me warmly, and assured me of her most hearty approbation.
"The daughter very soon after lost her heretofore shyness, and raised her eyes pleasantly, because she knew it did not displease her mother, and she had now a right to make herself pleasant. We had neither of us had any romantic training, otherwise she would not have waited for this till I had spoken and had obtained the mothers consent. Thus this affair, which was so difficult and so important for me, took a smooth course, without the intervention of any other person, or the employment of those arts or intrigues with which brides are entrapped by many.