In fact, she was near the gates of the spiritual life, but she had not entered them.
She did not disguise one fact from herself. If she married Poyntz she would immediately be withdrawn, and withdrawn for ever, from the new influences which were beginning to permeate her, to draw her towards the state of a Christian who is vowed and militant.
She knew the influence that as her husband James would have. His ideals were noble and high, his life was pure and worthy. But it was not the life that Christ had made so plain and clear. The path the Church showed was not the path James would follow, or one which as his wife she could well follow.
She believed sincerely, as her brother himself would have told her, that a man like Poyntz was only uneducated in spiritual things, not lost to them for ever.
But she was also sure that he would make no spiritual discoveries in this world.
Marriage with him meant going back. It meant turning away from the Light.
The struggle with the training of years, the earthly ideals of nearly all her life, was acute. But hour by hour, she began to draw nearer and nearer to the inevitable solution.
Now and again, she went into the silent church. Then, kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament, she saw the path quite clear.
Afterwards, back in her room again, the voices of the material world were heard. But they became weaker and more weak as the hours went on.
On the day that Bernard was to return, she received a long and passionate letter from her lover.