Fables for the Frivolous

by Guy Wetmore Carryl

FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS
(With Apologies to La Fontaine)
By GUY WETMORE CARRYL
With Illustrations by Peter Newell
1898
FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS
TO
MY FATHER

NOTE: I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission the editors to reprint in this form such of the following fables were originally published in Harper's periodicals, in Life, and Munsey's Magazine. G. W. C.

CONTENTS
[ THE AMBITIOUS FOX AND THE UNAPPROACHABLE GRAPES]
[ THE PERSEVERING TORTOISE AND THE PRETENTIOUS HARE
]
[ THE PATRICIAN PEACOCKS AND THE OVERWEENING JAY]
[ THE ARROGANT FROG AND THE SUPERIOR BULL]
[ THE DOMINEERING EAGLE AND THE INVENTIVE BRATLING]
[ THE ICONOCLASTIC RUSTIC AND THE APROPOS ACORN]
[ THE UNUSUAL GOOSE AND THE IMBECILIC WOODCUTTER]
[ THE RUDE RAT AND THE UNOSTENTATIOUS OYSTER]
[ THE URBAN RAT AND THE SUBURBAN RAT]
[ THE IMPECUNIOUS CRICKET AND THE FRUGAL ANT]
[ THE PAMPERED LAPDOG AND THE MISGUIDED ASS]
[ THE VAINGLORIOUS OAK AND THE MODEST BULRUSH
]
[ THE INHUMAN WOLF AND THE LAMB SANS GENE]
[ THE SYCOPHANTIC FOX AND THE GULLIBLE RAVEN]
[ THE MICROSCOPIC TROUT AND THE MACHIAVELIAN FISHERMAN]
[ THE CONFIDING PEASANT AND THE MALADROIT BEAR]
[ THE PRECIPITATE COCK AND THE UNAPPRECIATED PEARL]
[ THE ABBREVIATED FOX AND HIS SCEPTICAL COMRADES
]
[ THE HOSPITABLE CALEDONIAN AND THE THANKLESS VIPER]
[ THE IMPETUOUS BREEZE AND THE DIPLOMATIC SUN
]

ILLUSTRATIONS
["THE FOX RETREATED OUT OF RANGE"]
["HE STROVE TO GROW ROTUNDER"]
["AN ACORN FELL ABRUPTLY"]
["SAID SHE, 'GET UP, YOU BRUTE YOU!'"]
["'J'ADMIRE,' SAID HE, 'TON BEAU PLUMAGE'"]
["AND SO A WEIGHTY ROCK SHE AIMED"]

[ THE AMBITIOUS FOX][a] AND THE UNAPPROACHABLE GRAPES]

A farmer built around his crop A wall, and crowned his labors By placing glass upon the top To lacerate his neighbors, Provided they at any time Should feel disposed the wall to climb. He also drove some iron pegs Securely in the coping, To tear the bare, defenceless legs Of brats who, upward groping, Might steal, despite the risk of fall, The grapes that grew upon the wall. One day a fox, on thieving bent, A crafty and an old one, Most shrewdly tracked the pungent scent That eloquently told one That grapes were ripe and grapes were good And likewise in the neighborhood. He threw some stones of divers shapes The luscious fruit to jar off: It made him ill to see the grapes So near and yet so far off. His throws were strong, his aim was fine, But "Never touched me!" said the vine. The farmer shouted, "Drat the boys!" And, mounting on a ladder, He sought the cause of all the noise; No farmer could be madder, Which was not hard to understand Because the glass had cut his hand. His passion he could not restrain, But shouted out, "You're thievish!" The fox replied, with fine disdain, "Come, country, don't be peevish." (Now "country" is an epithet One can't forgive, nor yet forget.) The farmer rudely answered back With compliments unvarnished, And downward hurled the bric-à-brac With which the wall was garnished, In view of which demeanor strange, The fox retreated out of range. "I will not try the grapes to-day," He said. "My appetite is Fastidious, and, anyway, I fear appendicitis." (The fox was one of the élite Who call it site instead of seet.) The moral is that if your host Throws glass around his entry You know it isn't done by most Who claim to be the gentry, While if he hits you in the head You may be sure he's underbred.

[ THE PERSEVERING TORTOISE][a] AND THE PRETENTIOUS HARE]

Once a turtle, finding plenty In seclusion to bewitch, Lived a dolce far niente Kind of life within a ditch; Rivers had no charm for him, As he told his wife and daughter, "Though my friends are in the swim, Mud is thicker far than water." One fine day, as was his habit, He was dozing in the sun, When a young and flippant rabbit Happened by the ditch to run: "Come and race me," he exclaimed, "Fat inhabitant of puddles. Sluggard! You should be ashamed. Such a life the brain befuddles." This, of course, was banter merely, But it stirred the torpid blood Of the turtle, and severely Forth he issued from the mud. "Done!" he cried. The race began, But the hare resumed his banter, Seeing how his rival ran In a most unlovely canter. Shouting, "Terrapin, you're bested! You'd be wiser, dear old chap, If you sat you down and rested When you reach the second lap." Quoth the turtle, "I refuse. As for you, with all your talking, Sit on any lap you choose. I shall simply go on walking." Now this sporting proposition Was, upon its face, absurd; Yet the hare, with expedition, Took the tortoise at his word, Ran until the final lap, Then, supposing he'd outclassed him, Laid him down and took a nap And the patient turtle passed him! Plodding on, he shortly made the Line that marked the victor's goal; Paused, and found he'd won, and laid the Flattering unction to his soul. Then in fashion grandiose, Like an after-dinner speaker, Touched his flipper to his nose, And remarked, "Ahem! Eureka!" And THE MORAL (lest you miss one) Is: There's often time to spare, And that races are (like this one) Won not always by a hair.

[ THE PATRICIAN PEACOCKS][a] AND THE OVERWEENING JAY]

Once a flock of stately peacocks Promenaded on a green, There were twenty-two or three cocks, Each as proud as seventeen, And a glance, however hasty, Showed their plumage to be tasty; Wheresoever one was placed, he Was a credit to the scene. Now their owner had a daughter Who, when people came to call, Used to say, "You'd reelly oughter See them peacocks on the mall." Now this wasn't to her credit, And her callers came to dread it, For the way the lady said it Wasn't recherché at all. But a jay that overheard it From his perch upon a fir Didn't take in how absurd it Was to every one but her; When they answered, "You don't tell us!" And to see the birds seemed zealous He became extremely jealous, Wishing, too, to make a stir. As the peacocks fed together He would join them at their lunch, Culling here and there a feather Till he'd gathered quite a bunch; Then this bird, of ways perfidious, Stuck them on him most fastidious Till he looked uncommon hideous, Like a Judy or a Punch. But the peacocks, when they saw him, One and all began to haul, And to harry and to claw him Till the creature couldn't crawl; While their owner's vulgar daughter, When her startled callers sought her, And to see the struggle brought her, Only said, "They're on the maul." It was really quite revolting When the tumult died away, One would think he had been moulting So dishevelled was the jay; He was more than merely slighted, He was more than disunited, He'd been simply dynamited In the fervor of the fray. And THE MORAL of the verses Is: That short men can't be tall. Nothing sillier or worse is Than a jay upon a mall. And the jay opiniative Who, because he's imitative, Thinks he's highly decorative Is the biggest jay of all.

[ THE ARROGANT FROG][a] AND THE SUPERIOR BULL]

Once, on a time and in a place Conducive to malaria, There lived a member of the race Of Rana Temporaria; Or, more concisely still, a frog Inhabited a certain bog. A bull of Brobdingnagian size, Too proud for condescension, One morning chanced to cast his eyes Upon the frog I mention; And, being to the manner born, Surveyed him with a lofty scorn. Perceiving this, the bactrian's frame With anger was inflated, Till, growing larger, he became Egregiously elated; For inspiration's sudden spell Had pointed out a way to swell. "Ha! ha!" he proudly cried, "a fig For this, your mammoth torso! Just watch me while I grow as big As you--or even more so!" To which magniloquential gush His bullship simply answered "Tush!" Alas! the frog's success was slight, Which really was a wonder, In view of how with main and might He strove to grow rotunder! And, standing patiently the while, The bull displayed a quiet smile. [Illustration: "HE STROVE TO GROW ROTUNDER">[ But ah, the frog tried once too oft And, doing so, he busted; Whereat the bull discreetly coughed And moved away, disgusted, As well he might, considering The wretched taste that marked the thing. THE MORAL: Everybody knows How ill a wind it is that blows.