Such and such-like heathen talk filled my ears every day: and more than that, I did hear and see sins done in God's name, which are much to be grieved for. Such wickedness was specially practised by the soldiers, when they would say, "Now in God's name let us forth on a foray," viz., to plunder, kidnap, shoot down, cut down, assault, capture and burn, and all the rest of their horrible works and practices. Just as the usurers ever invoke God with their hypocritical "In God's name": and therewithal let their devilish avarice loose to flay and to strip honest folk. Once did I see two rogues hanged, that would break into a house by night to steal, and even as they had placed their ladder one would mount it saying, "In God's name, there comes the householder": "and in the devil's name" says he also, and therewithal threw him down: where he broke a leg and so was captured, and a few days after strung up together with his comrade. But I, if I saw the like, must speak out, and out would I come with some passage of Holy Writ, or in other ways would warn the sinner: and all men therefore held me for a fool. Yea, I was so often laughed out of countenance in return for my good intent that at length I took a disgust at it, and preferred altogether to keep silence, which yet for Christian love I could not keep. I would that all men had been reared with my hermit, believing that then many would look on the world's ways with Simplicissimus' eyes as I then beheld them. I had not the wit to see that if there were only Simplicissimuses in the world then there were not so many vices to behold: meanwhile 'tis certain that a man of the world, as being accustomed to all vices and himself partaker thereof, cannot in the least understand on what a thorny path he and his likes do walk.
Chap. xxvi.: A NEW AND STRANGE WAY FOR MEN TO WISH ONE ANOTHER LUCK AND TO WELCOME ONE ANOTHER
Having now, as I deemed, reason to doubt whether I were among Christians or not, I went to the pastor and told him all that I had heard and seen, and what my thoughts were: namely, that I held these people for mockers of Christ and His word, and no Christians at all, with the request he would in any case help me out of my dream, that I might know what I should count my fellow men to be. The pastor answered: "Of a surety they be Christians, nor would I counsel thee to call them otherwise." "O God," said I, "how can that be? for if I point out to one or the other his sin that he committeth against God, then am I but mocked and laughed at." "Marvel not at that," answered the pastor; "I believe if our first pious Christians, which lived in the time of Christ--yea, if the Apostles themselves should now rise from the grave and come into the world, that they would put the like question, and in the end, like thee, would be accounted of many to be fools: yet that thou hast thus far seen and heard is but an ordinary thing and mere child's play compared with that which elsewhere, secretly and openly, with violence against God and man, doth happen and is perpetrated in the world. Let not that vex thee! Thou wilt find few Christians such as was the late Master Samuel."[[6]]
Now even as we spake together, some of the opposite party which had been taken prisoner were led across the market-place, and this broke up our discourse, for we too must go to look on the captives. Here then I was ware of a folly whereof I could never have dreamed, and that was a new fashion of greeting and welcoming one another: for one of our garrison, who also had beforetime served the emperor, knew one of the prisoners: so he goes up to him, gives him his hand, and pressed his for sheer joy and heartiness, and says he: "Devil take thee! art still alive, brother? 'S blood, 'tis surely the devil that brings us together here! Strike me blind, but I believed thou wert long since hanged." Then answered the other: "Curse me, but is it thee or not? Devil take thee, how camest thou here? I never thought in all my born days I should meet thee again, but thought the devil had fetched thee long ago." And when they parted, one says to the other (in place of "God be wi' you"). "Gallows' luck! Gallows' luck! to-morrow will we meet again, and be nobly drunk together."
"Is not this a fine pious welcome?" said I to the pastor; "be not these noble Christian wishes? Have not these men a godly intent for the coming day? Who could know them for Christians or hearken to them without amazement? If they so talk with one another for Christian love, how will it fare if they do quarrel? Sir Pastor, if these be Christ's flock, and thou their appointed shepherd, I counsel thee to lead them in better pastures." "Yea," answered the pastor, "dear child, 'tis ever so with these godless soldiers. God help us! If I said a word, I might as well preach to the deaf; and should gain naught from it but the perilous hatred of these godless fellows."
At that I wondered, but talked yet awhile with the pastor, and went then to wait upon the Governor; for at times had I leave to view the town and to visit the pastor, for my lord had wind of my simplicity, and thought such would cease if I went about seeing this and hearing that and being taught by others or, as folks say, being broken to harness.
Chap. xxvii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS DISCOURSED WITH THE SECRETARY, AND HOW HE FOUND A FALSE FRIEND
Now my lord's favour towards me increased daily, and the longer the greater, because I looked more and more like, not only to his sister whom the hermit had had to wife, but also to that good man himself, as good food and idleness made me sleeker. And this favour I enjoyed in many quarters: for whosoever had business with the governor shewed me favour also, and especially my lord's secretary was well affected to me; and as he must teach me my figures, he often found pastime in my simpleness and ignorance: he was but now fresh from the University, and therefore was cram-full of the jokes of the schools, which at times gave him the appearance of being a button short or a button too many: often would he convince me black was white or white black; so it came about that at first I believed him in everything and at last in nothing. Once on a time I blamed him for his dirty inkhorn: so he answered 'twas the best piece of furniture in his office, for out of it he could conjure whatever he desired; his fine ducats of gold, his fine raiment, and, in a word, whatsoever he possessed, all that had he fished out of his inkhorn. Then would I not believe that out of so small and inconsiderable a thing such noble possessions were to be had: so he answered all this came from the Spiritus Papyri (for so did he name his inks), and the ink-horn was for this reason named an ink-holder, because it held matters of importance. Then I asked, how could a man bring them out since one could scarce put a couple of fingers in. To that he answered, he had an arm in his head fit to do such business, yea, and hoped presently to fish out a rich and handsome wife, and if he had luck he trusted also to bring out land of his own and servants of his own, as in earlier times would surely have happened. At these tricks of craft I wondered, and asked if other folk knew such arts.
"Surely," says he, "all chancellors, doctors, secretaries, proctors or advocates, commissaries, notaries, traders and merchants, and numberless others besides, which commonly, if they do but fish diligently in it, become rich lords thereby." Then said I, "In this wise the peasants and other hard-working folk have no wit, in that they eat their bread in the sweat of their brow, and do not also learn this art." So he answered, "Some know not the worth of an art, and therefore have no desire to learn it: some would fain learn it, but lack that arm in their head, or some other necessary thing; some learn the wit and have the arm, but know not the knack which the art requireth if a man will be rich thereby: and others know all and can do all that appertains thereto, yet they dwell on the unlucky side and have no opportunity, like me, to exercise this art properly."
Now as we reasoned in this fashion of the ink-holder (which of a truth reminded me of Fortunatus his purse) it happened that the book of dignities came into my hand and therein, as it seemed to me then, I found more follies than had ever yet come before mine eyes. "And these," said I to the secretary, "be all Adam's children and of one stuff, and that dust and ashes? Whence cometh, then, so great a difference;--his Holiness, his Excellency, his Serenity! Be these not properties of God alone? Here is one called 'Gracious' and another 'Worshipful.' And why must this word 'born' noble or 'well born' be ever added? We know well that no men fall from heaven and none rise out of the water and none grow out of the earth like cabbages." The secretary must needs laugh at me, and took the trouble to explain to me this and that title and all the words separately. Yet did I insist that the titles did not do men right: for sure 'twas more credit to a man to be called merciful than worshipful: so, too, if the word "noble" signify in itself all incalculable virtues, why should it when placed in the midst of the word "high-born," which applieth only to princes, impair the dignity of the title. And as to the word "well-born," why 'twas a flat untruth: and that could any baron's mother testify; for if one should ask her if he was well born she could say whether 'twas "well" with her when she brought him into the world.