The Adventurous Simplicissimus / being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim

by Hans Jakob Christoph von Grimmelshausen

So I answered, "Be they not so already, yet they soon will be: for who knoweth how things will go; Yea, I myself had never expected to become a calf; and yet am I that same."

Then my lord would ask me whereby I could tell that these ladies should become apes: so I answered him, "Our ape here carrieth his hinder parts naked, but these ladies do so carry their bosom: which other maidens be wont to cover."

"Ah, rogue," saith my lord, "thou beest but a foolish calf, and as thou art so thou talkest: for these ladies do of purpose shew what 'tis worth men's while to gaze upon; whereas the poor ape goeth naked for sheer want of clothing. And now be thou quick to make good that wherein thou hast offended: else will we so bastinado thee and so hunt thee to thy goose-pen with dogs as men use to do with calves that know not how to behave themselves. Yet let us hear if thou canst praise a lady as is becoming."

So I looked upon the lady from head to foot and again from foot to head, and gazed upon her so fixedly and so lovingly as I would take her to wife: and at last, "Sir," said I, "I see clearly where the fault lieth; for the rascal tailor is the cause of all. The villain hath left those parts, which should cover the neck and the breast, below in the skirts: and therefore do these so trail behind. The botcher should have his hand hewn off that can tailor no better than this." And "Lady," quoth I to her, "be rid of him, or he will shame you; and have a care that you do deal with my dad's tailor, which same was hight Master Powle: for he could fashion fine plaited gowns for my mammy, our Ann, and our Ursula, and all cut even round about below. So did they never drag in the mud like yours: nay, and ye cannot believe what fine clothes he would make for the hussies."

So says my lord, "Were now thy father's Ann and thy father's Ursula handsomer than these ladies;"

"Nay," said I, "my lord, that may not be: this young maiden hath hair as yellow as sulphur, and the parting of her hair so white and smooth as though one had cut bristle-brushes therefrom; yea, and her hair so sweetly done up in rolls that it is like unto pipe-stems; yea, and as if one had hanged upon each side of her head a pound of candles or a dozen of sausages. Look you now, what a smooth, fair brow she hath! is it not rounder than a plum-pudding and whiter than a dead man's skull that has hung long on the gallows in wind and rain. 'Tis pity indeed that her tender skin is so stained by puff-powder; for when people see this who understand not such things, surely they will think this lady had the king's evil, which is wont to produce such a scaly humour; and this were surely pity: for look upon those sparkling eyes: they shine as black as did the soot on my dad's chimney; for that did use to shine so terribly when our Ann stood there before it with a wisp of straw to warm the room as if fire were therein enough to set the world in a blaze. Her cheeks be rosy enough, yet not so red as the red garters with which the Swabian waggoners at Ulm did truss up their breeches. Yet the bright red which she hath on her lips doth far surpass the colour of those garters, and if she speak or laugh (I pray my masters give heed thereto), then can one see in her mouth two rows of teeth, so orderly and so sugary as if they were with one snip cut out of a white turnip. Oh, lovely creature! I cannot believe that any one should feel pain if thou shouldst bite him therewith! So, too, her neck is as white as curdled milk and her bosom, which lieth beneath, of like colour. And oh, my masters, look upon her hands and fingers: they be so slender, so long, so slim, so supple, and so cunning as for all the world like a gipsy's fingers, ready to thrust into any man's pockets and there go a-fishing."

With that there arose such a laughter that none could hear me, nor I talk: so I took French leave and off I went: for I would be mocked by others so long as I would, and no longer.

Chap. x.: DISCOURSETH OF NAUGHT BUT HEROES AND FAMOUS ARTISTS

Thereafter followed the midday meal, whereat I again did good service: for now had I made it my purpose to rebuke all follies and to chastise all vanities, to which end my present condition was excellent well fitted: for no guest was too exalted for me to reprove and upbraid his vices, and if there were any that shewed displeasure, then was he laughed out of countenance by the rest, or else my master would demonstrate to him that no wise man is wont to be vexed at a fool. As to the mad ensign, which was my worst enemy, him I put on the rack at once. Yet the first who (at my lord's nod) did answer me reasonably was the secretary; for when I called him a "title-forger" and asked what title, then, had our first father Adam, "Thou talkest," answered he, "like an unreasoning calf: for thou knowest not how after our first parents different folk lived in the world, which by rare virtues such as wisdom, manly deeds of arms, and invention of useful arts, did in such wise ennoble themselves and their family that they by others were exalted above all earthly things, yea even above the stars to be gods: and wert thou a man, or hadst thou at least, like a man, read the histories, thou wouldst understand the difference that lies between men, and so wouldst thou gladly grant to each his title of honour; but since thou art but a calf, and so neither worthy nor capable of human honour, thou talkest of this matter like a stupid calf, and grudgest to the noble human race that wherein it can rejoice."

So I answered: "I was once a man as much as thou, and I have read pretty much also, and so can I judge that thou either understandest not this business aright, or art for thine own advantage compelled to speak otherwise than as thou knowest. For tell me, what deeds so noble and what arts so fine have ever been devised as to be enough to give nobility to a whole family for hundreds of years after the death of these great heroes and craftsmen? Did not the strength of the heroes and the wisdom and high understanding of the craftsmen die with them? And if thou seest not this, and if the qualities of the parents do descend to their children, then must I believe thy father was a stockfish and thy mother a plaice."