So when I found where the shoe pinched I got me a half-wineglass full of strong Strassburg Branntwein, and caught a kind of toad called Reling or Möhmlein, that in spring and summer sits in dirty pools and croaks, gold colour or nearly salmon colour with black spots on its belly, most hateful to see. Such an one I put in a wineglass with water and set it by my wares on a table under the lime-tree. And when the people began to gather together and stood round me, some thought I would, with the tongs that I had borrowed from the hostess, pull out teeth. But I began thus: "My masters and goot frients (for I could still speak but little French), I be no tooths-cracker, only I haf goot watter for ze eye, zat make all ze running go way from ze red eye." "Yea," says one, "that can one see by thine own eyes, that be like to two will-o'-the-wisps." "And zat is true," says I, "but if I had not ze watter sure I were quite blint: besides, I sell not ze watter. Ze elegtuary and ze powder for ze white tooths and ze wound-salve, zese will I sell, but ze watter I gif avay mit dem! For I be no quack nor no cheater: I do sell mine elegtuary: and when I haf tried it, if it blease you not you needs not to puy it."

So I bade one of them that stood by to choose any one of my boxes of electuary, out of which I made a pill as large as a pea, and put it into my Branntwein, which the people took for water, and there pounded it up and then picked up the toad with the tongs out of the water-glass and said, "See, my goot frients, if this fenomous worm do drink mine elegtuary wizout dying, so is ze ting no goot, and zenn puy it not." With that I put the poor toad, that had been born in water and could bear no other element or liquor, into the Branntwein, and held it covered in with a paper so that he could not leap out: which began to struggle and to wriggle, yea, to do worse than if I had thrown him upon red-hot coals, for the Branntwein was much too strong for him: and after a short time he died and stretched out his four legs. At that the peasants opened their mouths and their purses too when they saw so plain a proof with their own eyes: for now they believed there could be no better electuary on earth than mine, and I had enough to do to wrap up the stuff in the printed papers and take money for it.

For some of them did buy three, four, five, six times so much, that they might at need be provided with so sure an antidote against poison: yea, they bought also for their friends and kinsfolk that dwelt in other places, so that from this foolery (though 'twas no market-day) I gained by the evening ten crowns, and still kept more than the half of my wares. The same night I betook myself to another village, as fearing lest some peasant should be so curious as to put a toad in water to try the virtue of my electuary, and if it should fail my back should suffer for it.

But to shew the excellence of my antidote in another way, I made me, of meal, saffron, and galls, a yellow arsenic, and of meal and vitriol a sublimate of mercury; and when I would show the effect of it I had ready two like glasses of fresh water on the table, whereof one was pretty strongly mixed with aqua fortis: into this I stirred a little of my electuary and dropped in as much of my two poisons as was needed: then was one water, that had no electuary (but also no aqua fortis) in it, as black as ink, while the other, by reason of the aqua fortis, remained as it was. "Aha," said they all, "see, that is truly a marvellous electuary for so little money!" And then when I poured both together again the whole was clear once more: at that the good peasants dragged out their purses and bought of me: which not only helped my hungry belly, but also I could take horse again, earned much money on the way, and so came safely to the German border.

And so, my dear country-folks, put not your faith in quacks: or ye will be deceived by them, since they seek not your health but your wealth.

Chap. vii.: HOW THE DOCTOR WAS FITTED WITH A MUSQUET UNDER CAPTAIN CURMUDGEON

Now as I passed through Lorraine, my wares gave out, and because I must avoid garrison-towns I had no chance to get more: so must I devise another plan till I could make electuary again. So I bought me two measures of Branntwein and coloured it with saffron, and sold it in half-ounce glasses to the people as a gold water of great price, good against fever, and so my two measures brought me in thirty gulden. But my little glasses running short, and I hearing of a glass-maker that dwelt in the county of Fleckenstein, I betook myself thither to equip myself afresh, but seeking for by-paths was by chance caught by a picket from Philippsburg that was quartered in the castle of Wagelnburg, and so lost all that I had wrung out of the people by my cheats on the journey; and because the peasant that went with me to shew the way told the fellows I was a doctor, as a doctor I must willy-nilly be taken to Philippsburg. There was I examined and spared not to say who I was in truth; which they believed not, but would make more of me than I could well be: for I should and must remain a doctor. Then must I swear I belonged to the Emperor's dragoons in Soest and declare on my oath all that had happened to me from then to now and what I now intended. "But," said they, "the Emperor had need of soldiers as much at Philippsburg as at Soest: and so would they give me entertainment, till I had good opportunity to come to my regiment: but if this plan was not to my taste, I might content myself to remain in prison and be treated as a doctor till I should be released; for as a doctor I had been taken."

So I came down from a horse to a donkey, and must become a musqueteer against my will: which vexed me mightily, for want was master there, and the rations terrible small: I say not to no purpose "terrible" for I was terrified every morning when I received mine: for I knew I must make that suffice for the whole day which I could have made away with at a meal without trouble. And to tell truth 'tis a poor creature, a musqueteer, that must so pass his life in a garrison, and make dry bread suffice him--yea, and not half enough of that: for he is naught else than a prisoner that prolongs his miserable life with the bread and water of tribulation: nay, a prisoner hath the better lot, for he needs neither to watch, nor to go the rounds, nor stand sentry, but lies at rest and has as much hope as any such poor garrison-soldier in time at length to get out of his prison. 'Tis true there were some that bettered their condition, and that in divers ways, but none that pleased me and seemed to me a reputable way to gain my food. For some in this miserable plight took to themselves wives (yea, the most vile women at need) for no other cause than to be kept by the said women's work, either with sewing, washing and spinning, or with selling of old clothes and higgling, or even with stealing: there was a she-ensign among the women that drew her pay as a corporal: another was a midwife, and so earned many a good meal for herself and her husband: another could starch and wash: others laundered for the unmarried soldiers and officers shirts, stockings, sleeping-breeches and I know not what else, from which they had each her special name. Others did sell tobacco and provide pipes for the fellows that had need of them: others dealt in Branntwein: another was a seamstress, and could do all manner of embroidery and cut patterns to earn money: another gained a livelihood from the fields only; in winter she gathered snails, in spring salad-herbs, in summer she took birds'-nests, and in autumn she would gather fruit of all kinds: a few carried wood for sale like asses, and others traded with this and that. Yet to gain my support in such a way was not for me: for I had a wife already. Other fellows did gain a livelihood by play, for at that they were better than sharpers and could get their simple comrades' money from them with false dice: but such a profession I loathed. Others toiled like beasts of burden at the ramparts; but for that I was too lazy: and some knew and could practise a trade, but I, poor creature, had learned none such: 'tis true if any had had need of a musician I could have filled the place well, but that land of hunger was content with drums and fifes. Some stood sentry for others and night and day came never off duty, but I would sooner starve than so torment my body: some got them booty by expeditions: but I was not even trusted to go outside the gates: others could go a-mousing better than any cat, but such a trade I hated worse than the plague. In a word, wherever I turned, I could hit on no way to fill my belly. Yet what vexed me most of all was this, that I must needs endure all manner of gibes when my comrades said, "What, thou a doctor, and hast no art but to starve?"

At length did hunger force me to inveigle a few fine carp out of the town ditch up to me on the wall: but as soon as the colonel was ware of it I must ride the torture-horse for it, and was forbidden on pain of death to exercise that art further. At the last others' misfortune proved my good luck. For having cured a few patients of jaundice and two of fever (all which must have had a particular belief in me), it was allowed me to go out of the fortress on the pretence of collecting roots and herbs for my medicines: instead of which I did set snares for hares and had the luck to catch two the first night: these I brought to the colonel, and so got not only a thaler as a present, but also leave to go out and catch hares whensoever I was not on duty. Now because the country was waste and no man there to catch the beasts, which had therefore mightily multiplied, there came grist to my mill again, insomuch that it seemed as if it rained hares, or as if I could charm them into my snares. So when the officers saw they could trust me I was allowed to go out on plundering parties: and there I began again my life as at Soest, save that I might no longer lead and command such parties as heretofore in Westphalia; for for that 'twas needful to know all highways and byways and to be well acquainted with the Rhine stream.

Chap. viii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ENDURED A CHEERLESS BATH IN THE RHINE