The Adventurous Simplicissimus / being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim

by Hans Jakob Christoph von Grimmelshausen

Then was I set apart from the rest and lodged with a merchant, where I was openly watched, yet daily provisioned from the court with rich food and costly liquors, and also daily had visitors that talked with me and now and again would invite me as a guest. In especial there was one to whose charge I had without doubt been chiefly commended, a crafty man, that entertained me daily with friendly talk; for now could I speak Russian pretty well. So he discoursed with me oftentimes of all manner of mechanic arts, as well as of engines of war and others, and of fortification and artillery practice. At last, after much beating about the bush to find out whether I would give in to his master's wishes, when he found there was no hope of my changing even in the least point, he begged that I would for the honour of the great Czar impart and communicate to their nation somewhat of my science: for his Majesty would requite my complaisance with high and royal favours. To which I answered, my desires had ever been to that end, most dutifully to serve the Czar, seeing that for this purpose I had come into his country, albeit I perceived that I was kept like a prisoner. But he replied, "Nay, nay, sir, ye be no prisoner, but his Majesty doth hold ye so dear that he cannot resolve to part with your person." So says I, "Wherefore then am I guarded?" "Because," he answered, "his Majesty feareth lest any harm should happen to ye."

So now understanding my proposals, he said the Czar was graciously pleased to consider of digging for saltpetre in his own country and making of powder there; but because there was no one in the land that could deal with the matter, I should do him an acceptable service if I would undertake the work: to that end I should be provided with men and means enough ready to hand, and he in his own person would most sincerely beg of me not to reject such a gracious proposal, seeing that they were already well assured that I had a full knowledge of such matters. To which I answered, "Sir, I say as I said before: if I can serve his Majesty in anything, provided only he will be graciously content to leave me undisturbed in my religion, I will not fail to do my best." Whereat the Russian, which was one of their chief magnates, was heartily glad and pledged me in drink deeper than ever a German.

Next day there came from the Czar two great nobles with an interpreter to make a final agreement with me, and presented me on behalf of the Czar with a costly Russian robe: and a few days after I began to seek for saltpetre and to instruct the Russians that had been assigned to me how to separate it from the earth and refine it; and at the same time I drew up a plan of a powder-mill, and taught others to burn charcoal, so that in brief space we had ready a goodly amount both of musquet and ordnance powder; for I had people enough, besides mine own servants that were to wait on me, or, to speak more truly, to keep watch and ward over me.

I being thus well started, there comes to me the before-mentioned colonel in Russian clothes and nobly escorted by many servants; without doubt by such a show of glory to persuade me to go over to that religion. But I knew well that the clothes came from the Czar his wardrobe, and were but lent him to make my mouth water: for 'tis the commonest of customs at the Russian court: and that the reader may understand how 'tis managed, I will give him an instance of mine own self. For once was I busied with taking order at the powder-mills (which I caused to be built on the river outside Moscow) as to what task one and the other of the people assigned to me should perform that day and the next, when of a sudden there was an alarm that the Tartars, 100,000 horse strong, were but four miles away plundering the country and advancing continually: so must I and my people needs betake ourselves to the palace, to be equipped out of the Czar's armoury and stables. And I for my part, in place of a cuirass, was clad in a quilted silk breastplate that would stop any arrow, but could not keep out any bullet: moreover boots and spurs and a princely head-dress with a heron plume, and a sabre that would split a hair, mounted with pure gold and studded with precious stones, were given to me, and of the Czar's horses such an one was put between my legs as I had never seen the like of in my life, far less ridden; so I and my horses blazed with gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. I had a steel mace hanging by me that shone like a mirror, and was so well made and heavy that I had easily beaten to death any that I dealt a blow with it, so that the Czar himself could not ride into battle better equipped: and there followed me a white standard with a double eagle to which the people flocked from all sides and corners, so that before two hours were over we were forty thousand strong and after four hours nigh sixty thousand, with whom we marched against the Tartars; and every quarter of an hour I had my orders from the Czar; which yet were but this, that I should this day approve myself a soldier, having given myself out for one, that his Majesty might as such esteem and recognise me. So every moment our troop was increased with great and small soldiers and officers; yet in all this haste could I discover none that should command the whole body, or array the battle. It needs not that I should tell all, for my story is not much concerned with this encounter. I will but say this only, that we came suddenly upon the Tartars in a valley or deep dip in the land, encumbered with tired horses and much booty, and least of all expecting us; whom we attacked on all sides with such fury that at the very onset we scattered them. There at the first attack I called to my followers in the Russian speech, "Come now, let each do as I do!" and that they all shouted to one another, while I with a loose rein charged at the enemy, and of the first I met, which was a Mirza or prince's son, I cleft the head in twain, so that his brains were left hanging on my steel mace. This heroical example did the Russians follow, so that the Tartars might not withstand their attack, but turned to a general flight, while I dealt like a madman, or rather like one that from desperation seeketh death and cannot find it, for I smote down all that came before me, Tartar and Russian alike; and they that were commanded by the Czar to watch me followed me so hard that I had ever my back guarded. There was the air so full of arrows as it had been swarms of bees, of which my share was one in the arm; for I had turned back my sleeve that so with less hindrance I might use my sword and came to cleave and batter; and until I received the wound my heart did laugh within me at such bloodshed; but when I saw mine own blood flow, that laughter was turned into a mad fury.

So when these savage foes had been put to flight, it was commanded me by divers nobles in the name of the Czar that I should carry to their emperor the news how the Tartars had been defeated: and at their bidding I rode back with some hundred horsemen at my heels, with whom I rode through the town to the Czar's palace, and was by all men received with triumph and gratulation; but so soon as I had made my report of the battle (albeit the Czar had already news of all that happened) I must again doff my princely apparel, which was again stored away in the Czar his wardrobe, though both it and the horse trappings were bespattered and befouled all over with blood and so almost entirely ruinated; whereas I had thought, since I had borne myself so knightly in the encounter, the clothes should at least have been left me, together with the horse, for a reward. But from this I could well judge how 'twas managed with the Russian robe of state of which my colonel made use; for 'tis all but lent finery which, like all else in Russia, pertaineth to the Czar alone.

Chap. xxii.: BY WHAT A SHORT AND MERRY ROAD HE CAME HOME TO HIS DAD

Now as long as my wound was a-healing 'tis true I was treated like a prince; for I walked abroad at all times clad in a furred gown of cloth of gold lined with sables, though the wound was neither mortal nor dangerous, and in all the days of my life I have never tasted such rich foods as then; but this was all the reward I had for my labours, save the praise which the Czar favoured me with, and this too was spoiled for me by the envy of certain nobles. So now, being completely sound again, was I sent down the Volga in a ship to Astrachan, to set up a powder-mill there as in Moscow, for 'twas not possible for the Czar to furnish these frontier fortresses from Moscow with fresh and good powder, which must needs be carried by water and that with great risk. And this service I willingly undertook, for I had promises that the Czar, after the accomplishment of such business, would send me back to Holland, and that with a good reward in money proportionable to my services. But alas! when we think we stand safest and most certain in the hopes and conceits we have formed, there comes a wind unawares, and in a wink blows away all the flimsy stuff whereon we had founded our hopes so long.

Yet the Governor of Astrachan treated me like the Czar himself, and in brief space I had all on a good footing; his old ammunition which was quite spoiled and ruined and could do no harm to any, I refounded (as a tinker makes new tin spoons out of old ones), which was then a thing unheard of among the Russians; by reason of which and other arts of mine some held me to be a sorcerer, others a new saint or prophet, and others, again, for a second Empedocles or Gorgias Leontinus. But being hard at work and busied at night in a powder-mill outside the fortifications, I was in thievish wise captured and carried off by a horde of Tartars, which took me with others so far into their country that I not only could see the herb Borametz or sheep-plant growing but did even eat thereof: which is a most strange vegetable; for it is like a sheep to look upon, its wool can be spun and woven like natural sheep's wool, and its flesh is so like to mutton that even the wolves do love to eat thereof. But they that had captivated me did barter me away for certain wares of China to the Tartars of Nuichi, which again presented me as a rare gift to the King of Corea, with whom they had but then made a truce. And there was I highly valued, for there could none be found like me in the handling of sword and rapier; and there I taught the king how, with his piece over his shoulder and his back turned to the target, he could yet hit the bull's-eye; in reward for which at my humble petition he gave me my liberty again, and let me go by way of Japonia to the Portuguese of Macao, which made but small count of me. So I went about among them like a sheep that has strayed from the flock, till at last in marvellous fashion. I was captured by Turkish corsairs, and by them, after they had dragged me about with them for a full year among strange foreign nations that do inhabit the isles of the East Indies, sold to certain merchants of Alexandria in Egypt. These carried me with their wares to Constantinople, and because the Turkish emperor was just then fitting out galleys against the Venetians and needed rowers, therefore must many Turkish merchants part with their Christian slaves (yet for ready payment), among whom I was one, as being a strong young fellow. And now must I learn to row; which heavy task nevertheless endured not more than two months: for our galley was in the Levant right valiantly overcome by the Venetians, and I with all my companions freed from the power of the Turks: and the said galley being brought to Venice with rich booty and divers Turkish prisoners of high degree, I was set at liberty, as wishing to go to Rome and on pilgrimage to Loretto, to view those places and to thank God for my deliverance. To which end I easily obtained a passport, and moreover from several honourable persons, especially Germans, reasonable help in money, so that now I could provide me with a pilgrim's staff and enter on my journey.

So I betook me by the nearest way to Rome, where I fared right well, for both from great and small I got me much alms; and tarrying there nigh six weeks, I took my way with other pilgrims, of whom some Germans, and especially certain Switzers, to Loretto: from whence I came over the Saint Gotthard Pass back through Switzerland to my dad, which had kept my farm for me; and nothing remarkable did I bring home save a beard which I had grown in foreign parts.

Now had I been absent three years and some months, during which time I had fared over the most distant seas and seen all manner of peoples, but had commonly received from them more evil than good; of which a whole book might be writ. And in the meanwhile the Westphalian treaty had been concluded, so that I could now live with my dad in peace and quiet: and him I left to manage and to keep house, but for myself I sat down to my books, which were now both my work and my delight.