We had frequent discussions among ourselves on the different texts of the Bible, and debated such questions as, “Is it a sin to read novels?” “Is it right to read secular books on Sunday?” or, “Is it wicked to play cards or checkers?” By this it will be seen that we were made more familiar with the form, than with the spirit or the teaching, of Christianity.
In the spring of 1840 there was a great revival in Lowell, and some of the little girls held prayer-meetings, after school, at each other’s houses, and many of them “experienced religion.” I went sometimes to these meetings, and one night, when I was walking home by starlight, for the days were still short, one of the older girls said to me, “Are you happy?” “Do you love Jesus?” “Do you want to be saved?”—“Why, yes,” I answered. “Then you have experienced religion,” said the girl; “you are converted.” I was startled at the idea, but did not know how to deny it, and I went home in an exalted state of feeling; and, as I looked into the depths of the heavens above me, there came to my youthful mind the first glimmer of thought on spiritual themes.
It was an awakening, but not a conversion, for I had been converted from nothing to nothing. I was at once claimed as a “young convert,” went to the church prayer-meeting, told my “experience” as directed, and was put on probation for admission to the church. Meanwhile, I had been advised not to ask my mother’s consent to this step, because she was a Universalist, and might object. But I did not follow this advice; and when I told her of my desire, she simply answered, “If you think it will make you any happier, do so, but I do not believe you will be satisfied.” I have always been very thankful to my mother for giving me this freedom in my young life,—
“Not to be followed hourly, watched and noosed,”—
this chance in such an important matter to learn to think and to act for myself. In fact, she always carried out this principle, and never to my recollection coerced her children on any important point, but taught them to “see for themselves.”
When the day came for me to be admitted into the church, I, with many other little girls, was sprinkled; and, when I stood up to repeat the creed, I can truly say that I knew no more what were the doctrines to which I was expected to subscribe, than I did about the Copernican System or the Differential Calculus. And I might have said, with the disciples at Ephesus, I “have not so much as heard whether there be any Holy Ghost.” For, although I had been regularly to church and to Sunday-school, I had never seen the Articles of Belief, nor had I been instructed concerning the doctrines, or the sacredness of the vow I was about to take upon me. Nor, from the frequent backsliding among the young converts, do I think my case was a singular one, although, so far as I know, I was the only one who backslid enough to be excommunicated.
And later, when I was requested to subscribe to the Articles of Belief, I found I could not accept them, particularly a certain part, which related to the day of judgment and what would follow thereafter. I have reviewed this document, and am able to quote the exact words which were a stumbling-block to me. “We believe ... that at the day of judgment the state of all will be unalterably fixed, and that the punishment of the wicked and the happiness of the righteous will be endless.”
When the service was over, I went home, feeling as if I had done something wrong. I thought of my mother, whom my church people called an “unbeliever;” of my dear little brother who had been drowned, and whose soul might be LOST, and I was most unhappy. In fact, so serious was I for many days, that no doubt my church friends thought me a most promising young convert.
Indeed I was converted, but not in the way they supposed; for I had begun to think on religious subjects, and the more I thought the less I believed in the doctrines of the church to which I belonged. Doubts of the goodness of God filled my mind, and unbelief in the Father’s love and compassion darkened my young life. What a conversion! The beginning of long years of doubt and of struggle in search of spiritual truths.
After a time I went no more to my church meetings, and began to attend those of the Universalists; but, though strongly urged, as a “come-outer,” to join that body, I did not do so, being fearful of subscribing to a belief whose mysteries I could neither understand nor explain.