A sovereign Balm for every wound,
A cordial for our fears.
Glory, honour, etc. etc.[37]
I was allmoste ready to fly away. I went to bed, but did hardly sleep all the night, praying and praising God. Never the less in all this I did not believe that my sins was pardoned, but I hope God would do it, and that soon. In the morning went to the man of God, told him how I feeled, to which he gave me great encouragement. The next night went to preaching aboute two miles out of town. I was still very comfartable, but could not believe. The next day being 21, aboute two or three o'clock in the afternoon, I went to pray that God would show me the hindrance that stood between him and my soul, and that he would show me by that man of God, or by some other means. After I rose up from my knees I went to the man of God. He saw me coming, and asked me with a smile, "Well, Captain, how is it with you now?" I answered, "I have been just now praying that God would show me the hindrance that stands between him and my soul, and take it away from me." He answered in his usual pleasant way, "Nothing at all, Captain, only unbelief; but I would advise you to spend moste of this afternoon in prayer, that God would show you under the sarmon, or by some other means, before you go to bed," etc. So I did according to his direction, and in the evning went to preching in great expectation. And when Mr. Morel delivered his text from the 15 chapter St. John, "Abide in me and I in you," and as he went on a little, I thought, surely this is for me. Hope sprung up; but after a little further I thought Mr. Cooper had been telling the precher of what I had told him, which set me in doubting. But after he went on a little further, I said to myself, "Whether he have told him or not, it is for me," and I believed in that moment, so that I rejoiced with joy unspeakable and full of glory. As soon as the sarvice was ended, lest Satan should get an advantage over me, I told the preacher what the Lord had done for me, and immediately Mr. Cooper, so that we rejoiced greately together, to which the latter told me, "You must go in the morning to such and such a ones" (mentioned six or seven houses), "and tell them what the Lord have done for you, and forget not to sing and pray with them." So I went according to his order, and told them that I had received the comforter, so that we had a happy morning together. Well, then, I went on my way rejoicing, no doubts, no fears, nither hardly a temptation, until the end of ten or twelve days. So then I went on, sume times on the mount with Peter and John, some times in doubts and fears; and if I did not allwayse find my mind in a blaze of prayer unto God, I frequent used to say to myself, "Now I am surely getting into a lukewarm state," and so write bitter things against myself. Aboute this time I begun to fast once a week, until aboute four o'clock in the afternoon, and abstain to nearly half my fill. I think it was in the later end of Augst when I received a letter from my mother-in-law consarning my wife's death. I soon begun to reason if she was gone happy or not, so that in the course of a few days after I used to go out by night, and looking up towards heaven, wishing and praying to see her vision, or to know by some means whether she was gone happy or not. And one night, before I went to bed, I prayed earnestely to the Lord if he would show me by dream or by vision. So that night I dreamed I was amongst serpents and vipars, and the worst of venemest beasts, that I had the hardest struggels to get clear of them, so when I awaked I was in a lake of sweat from head to foot. Then I thought I had not done according to the will of God. I continued in that state, with my harp hanged upon the willows, could not sing one note for a thousand worlds for all so much delight I took in it in times past, keep it all this time to myself, so that I got myself into such wilderness state that I could hardly tell if I was in the favour of God or not. But I think it was to the end aboute fourteen days I opened my mind to Mrs. Snow, who said, "By your own account your wife had good morals, and she had also the preachers and people to pray and instruct her; I have a good hope she is gone happy. Nevertheless, whether or not, you must leave that to God, it is a business you must have nothing at all to do with; and if you continue to go on in this way, I am in doubt as you are in danger to lose all your Religion." So we kneeled down and she prayed for me, and immediately I went to a prayer meeting. The first hymn was,
My God, the spring of all my joy,
The life of my delights, etc.
I sung with a loud voice but with a wet face, so that the temptation left me. Glory be to God for dear friends, etc. So I went on as before, some times happy and other times in doubts and fears, but still getting a little strength.
I think it was aboute this time that I left of drinking water, and I think it was in the beginning of September I concluded in my mind to quit the town and go to Baltimore; and as there was a ship bound there I spoke for a passage, and got most things ready for the voyage. But oh! what a tryal it was to me to think of leaving of my New York friends, where the Lord had helped me in such abundant manner, and then to go 700 miles from there to a place and people I knew nothing of. I begun to reason as before with the enemy of my soul, "Surely at last I shall become a castaway, surely I shall be stripped of all my Religion!" I suppose no man can conceive the misery I feeled in my own mind for the course of aboute ten or twelve days; I have thought since that I never had a greater tryal. But to the end of this time one night I went to preching, where Mr. Asbery,[38] with his great loud voice, gave out this hymn—
Tho' troubles assail and dangers afright,