HE stopped inside a tub, from choice,
But otherwise was well-conducted,
Altho' he raised a rasping voice
To persons who his view obstructed,
And threw a boot at anyone
Who robbed him of his patch of sun.
And thus he lived, without expense,
Arrayed in somewhat scant apparel,
His customary residence
The limits of an empty barrel;
(His spirits would perforce be good,
Maturing slowly "in the wood.")
With lamp alight he sought at night
For honest men, his ruling passion;
But either he was short of sight,
Or honest men were out of fashion;
He never found one, so he said;—
They probably were all in bed.

"Altho' he raised a rasping voice to persons who his view obstructed."

At last, when he was very old,
He got abducted by a pirate,
And to a man of Corinth sold,
At an exorbitantly high rate;
His owner called him "Sunny Jim,"
And made an indoor pet of him.
And soon, as one may well suppose,
He learnt the very choicest manners,
Could balance sugar on his nose,
Or sit right up and smoke Havanas,
Or swim into the pond for sticks,—
There was no limit to his tricks.
He never tasted wine nor meat,
But ate, in full and plenteous measure,
Grape-Nuts and Force and Shredded Wheat,
Pretending that they gave him pleasure.
At length, at eighty-nine, he died,
Of a too strenuous inside.
Had but this worthy cynic been
A member of our favoured nation,
Niagara he might have seen,
And realised a new sensation,
If he had set himself the task
To brave the Rapids in his cask.
Or if his ghost once more began,
With lighted lamp, his ancient mission,
And searched the city for a man
Whose honesty outsoared suspicion,
We could provide him, in New York,
A nice (if somewhat lengthy) walk.
MORAL.
Tho' thumping tubs is easy work,
With which no critic cares to quarrel,
There may be charms about a Turk,
Policemen even may be moral;
And, tho' they never get found out,
There are some honest men about.

Sir Thomas Lipton

OF all the sportsmen now afloat
Upon the waters of this planet,
No better ever manned a boat,
(Or paid another man to man it,)
And won a kindly public's heart
Like dear Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart.
Behind a counter, as a child,
He woo'd Dame Fortune, fair but fickle,
Until at last one day she smiled
Upon his spices and his pickle;
And all the world rejoiced to see
Plain Thomas Lipton made "Sir Tea."
He won the trade, his name was made;
In country-house or London gutter,
All classes found his marmalade
A perfect "substitute for butter."
His jam in loudest praise was sung,
His sauces were on ev'ry tongue.
He built a yacht; that is to say,
He paid another man to build it;
With all the patents of the day,
Regardless of the cost, he filled it;
And hired, which was expensive too,
At least three Captains and a crew.
And, being properly brought up,
A member of that sober nation,
Which ever loves to raise the cup
That cheers without inebriation,
He saw an op'ning if he took
His lifting pow'rs to Sandy Hook.
And there his hospitality
Was always welcome to the masses;
As on the good ship "Erin" he
Provided luncheons for all classes;
Where poets, publicans and peers,
Retained his spoons as souvenirs.
But tho' each boat of his that sailed
Was like the last one, only better,
To lift the cup she always failed,—
Because the Yankees wouldn't let her.
(A state of things which was not quite,
What Englishmen would term, polite!)
His efforts were alas! in vain,
He couldn't beat the pot defender,
Again he tried, and yet again,—
He might as well have sailed a tender!
At last he cried "I give it up!
America can keep her cup!"
"For She, and she alone, has got
The proper breed of modern Yachtsmen!
If only I had hired a lot
Of Swedes, Norwegians and Scotsmen,
I might have met, with calm defiance,
The crew on which She placed Reliance.
"But, as the matter stands, instead
Of knowing what a well-fought fight is,
I'm fêted, dined and banqueted,
Until I get appendicitis!
And probably shall end my life
By marrying a Yankee wife!
"I felt it when the line was crost,
I hold it true, whate'er befall,
'Tis better to have luffed and lost,
Than never to have luffed at all!
My shareholders must be content
With such a good advertisement."