Each year in vain I take the train
To Dinard, Trouville or Le Touquet;
No lady fair is ever there
To speed me with a bouquet;
No maiden on my brow imposes
A snood of Gloire de Dijon roses!
No purple phlox adorns the locks
Of scanty hair that fringe my cranium;
No garlands deck my shapely neck
With jasmine or geranium.
I travel, like a social pariah,
Without a single calceolaria!
Though up and down I 'train' to town,
Each day, with fellow-clerk or broker,
No female hand has ever planned
To trim my third-class 'smoker,'
To wreathe the rack with scarlet dahlias,
Or drape the seats with pink azaleas!
Let others envy wealthy men
—The Rothschilds, Vanderbilts or Cassels—
I'd much prefer, I must aver,
Like lucky Mr. Lascelles,
To travel well supplied with posies
Of (on the 'Underground') Tube-roses!

THE TRIUMPH OF JAM

(With shamefaced apologies to the author of a beautiful poem)

[The Daily Mirror, in a leading article, deplored the fact that 'roly-poly' pudding, otherwise known as 'jam-roll,' was not to be obtained at fashionable West End restaurants.]

Although our wives deride for ever,
Though cooks grow captious or gaze aghast
(Cooks, swift to sunder, to slash and sever
The ties that bind us to things long past),
We will say as much as a man might wish
Whose whole life's love comes up on a dish,
Which he never again may feast on, and never
Shall taste of more while the ages last.
I shall never again be friends with 'rolies,'
I shall lack sweet 'polies' where, thick like glue,
The jam in some secret Holy of Holies
Crouches and cowers from mortal view.
There are tastes that a tongue would fain forget,
There are savours the soul must e'er regret;
My tongue how hungry, how starved my soul is!
I shall miss 'jam-pudding' my whole life through!
The gleam and the glamour, glimmering through it,
The steam that rises, to greet the sun,
The fragrant fumes of the jam and suet
That mix and mingle, to blend as one;
The white-capped cook who stirs so hard,
To twine the treacle and knead the lard,
To soak and season, to blend and brew it—
These things are over, and no more done!
I must go my ways (others shall follow),
Filling myself, till I rise replete,
With fugitive things not good to swallow,
Drink as my friends drink, eat what they eat;
But if I could hear that sound (O squish!)
Of the 'roly-poly' leaving its dish,
My heart would be lighter, my life less hollow,
At sight of my childhood's favourite sweet!
Ah, why do I live in an age that winces
At 'shape' (blanc-mange) of a bygone brand,
At tripe and trotters, at stews and minces,
At hash or at haggis, heavy in hand?
Come lunch, come dinner, no word is said
Of the jam that in suet so veils its head.
I shall never eat it again, for at Princes'
If I cry for it there, will they understand?

EGREGIOUS EASTBOURNE

[A recent by-law of the Eastbourne Town Council renders the owner of any dog who barks upon the beach liable to a fine of forty shillings.]

Never more shall I and Ponto
Traverse the Marine Parade,
Pass the Pier and wander onto
Eastbourne's Esplanade;
Never more, with lungs like leather,
And a heart as light as feather,
Shall we stray and play together
Where we strayed and played!
On the cruel Council's shingle
Man and beast no more may mingle!
With what never-ending rapture
Ponto would retrieve a stone,
Leap into the sea and capture
Sticks, wherever thrown;
Issue dripping from the ocean,
With his tail in constant motion,
And express his true devotion
In a strident tone,
Till the Judge, his license marking,
Fined him forty bob for barking!
Still, upon the sands, sopranos
Topmost notes in anguish reach,
Masked musicians thump pianos,
Negro minstrels screech;
German bandsmen blare and bellow,
But my Ponto, poor old fellow,
May not raise his loud but mellow
Bark upon the beach!
'Dumb,' indeed, is every beast born
In the neighbourhood of Eastbourne!

SARAH OWEN