A practical directory for young Christian females

by Harvey Newcomb

My dear Sister,

Some young persons indulge a fastidiousness of feeling, in relation to the subject of marriage, as though it were indelicate to speak of it. Others make it the principal subject of their thoughts and conversation; yet they seem to think it must never be mentioned but in jest. But both these extremes should be avoided. Marriage is an ordinance of God, and therefore a proper subject of thought and discussion, with reference to personal duty. But it is a matter of great importance, having a direct hearing upon the glory of God, and the happiness of individuals. It should, therefore, never be approached with levity. But, as it requires no more attention than what is necessary in order to understand present duty, it would be foolish to make it a subject of constant thought, and silly to make it a common topic of conversation. It is a matter which should be weighed deliberately and seriously by every young person. In reference to the main subject, two things should be considered:

I. Marriage is desirable. It was ordained by the Lord, at the creation, as suited to the state of man as a social being, and necessary to the design for which he was created. Whoever, therefore, wilfully neglects it, contravenes the order of nature, and must consequently expect a diminution of those enjoyments which arise from the social state. There is a sweetness and comfort in the bosom of one's own family, which can be enjoyed nowhere else. In early life, this is supplied by our youthful companions, who feel in unison with us. But, as a person who remains single advances in life, the friends of his youth form new attachments, in which he is incapable of participating. Their feelings undergo a change, of which he knows nothing. He is gradually left alone. No heart beats in unison with his own. His social feelings wither for want of an object. As he feels not in unison with those around him, his habits also become peculiar, and perhaps repulsive; so that his company is not desired: hence arises the whimsical attachment of such persons to domestic animals, or to other objects which can be enjoyed in solitude. As the dreary winter of age advances, the solitude of his condition becomes still more chilling. Nothing but that sweet resignation to the will of God which religion gives, under all circumstances, can render such a situation tolerable. But religion does not annihilate the social affections. It only regulates them. It is evident, then, that by a lawful and proper exercise of these affections, both our happiness and usefulness may be greatly increased.

II. On the other hand, do not consider marriage as absolutely essential to happiness. Although it is an ordinance of God, yet he has not absolutely enjoined it upon all. You may, therefore, be in the way of duty while neglecting it. And the apostle Paul hints that there may be, with those who enter into this state, a greater tendency of the heart towards earthly objects. There is also an increase of care. "The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but she that is married, careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." But much more has been made of this than the apostle intended. It has been greatly abused and perverted by the church of Rome. It must be observed that, in the same chapter, he advises that "every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband." And, whatever may be our condition in life, if we seek it with earnestness and perseverance, in the way of duty, God will give us grace sufficient for the day. But he says, though it is no sin to marry, nevertheless, "such shall have trouble in the flesh." It is undoubtedly true, that the enjoyments of conjugal life have their corresponding difficulties and trials; and if these are enhanced by an unhappy connection, the situation is insufferable. For this reason I would have you avoid the conclusion that marriage is indispensable to happiness. Single life is certainly to be preferred to a connection with a person who will diminish, instead of increasing, your happiness. However, the remark of the apostle, "such shall have trouble in the flesh," doubtless had reference chiefly to the peculiar troubles of the times, when Christians were exposed to persecution, the loss of goods, and even of life itself, for Christ's sake; the trials of which would be much greater in married than in single life.

Having these two principles fixed in your mind, you will be prepared calmly to consider what qualifications are requisite in a companion for life. These I shall divide into two classes: 1. Those which are indispensable. 2. Those which are desirable. Of the first class, I see none which can be dispensed with, without so marring the character of a man as to render him an unfit associate for an intelligent Christian lady. But, although the latter are very important, yet, without possessing all of them, a person may be an agreeable companion and a man of real worth.

FIRST CLASS.

1. The first requisite in a companion for life is piety. I know not how a Christian can form so intimate a connection as this with one who is living in rebellion against God. You profess to love Jesus above every other object; and to forsake all, that you may follow him. How, then, could you unite your interest with one who continually rejects and abuses the object of your soul's delight? Indeed, I am at a loss to understand how a union can be formed between the carnal and the renewed heart. They are in direct opposition to each other. The one overflows with love to God; the other is at enmity against him. How, then, can there be any congeniality of feeling? Can fire unite with water? A desire to form such a union must be a dark mark against any one's Christian character. The Scriptures are very clear and decided on this point. The intermarrying of the righteous with the wicked was the principal cause of the general corruption of the inhabitants of the old world, which provoked God to destroy them with the flood. Abraham, the father of the faithful, was careful that Isaac, the son of promise, should not take a wife from among the heathen. The same precaution was taken by Isaac and Rebecca, in relation to Jacob. The children of Israel were also expressly forbidden to make marriages with the heathen, lest they should be turned away from the Lord, to the worship of idols. And we see a mournful example of the influence of such unholy connections in the case of Solomon. Although he had been so zealous in the service of the Lord as to build him a temple—although he had even been inspired to write portions of the Holy Scriptures—yet his strange wives turned away his heart, and persuaded him to worship idols. Although we are now under a different dispensation, yet principles remain the same. The union of a heathen and a Jew was, as to its effect on a pious mind, substantially the same as the union of a believer and an unbeliever; and the former would be no more likely to be drawn away from God by it than the latter. Hence we find the same principle recognized in the New Testament. The apostle Paul, speaking of the woman, says, "If her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will, only in the Lord." The phrase in the Lord, denotes being a true Christian; as will appear from other passages where the same form of expression is used. "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature." It is plainly implied, then, in this qualifying phrase, that it is unlawful for a Christian to marry an unbeliever. The same doctrine is also taught by the same apostle in another place. "Be not ye, therefore, unequally yoked with unbelievers." In this passage the apostle lays down a general principle; which applies to all intimate associations with unbelievers. And what connection could be more intimate than this? I conclude, therefore, that it is contrary both to reason and Scripture for a Christian to marry an impenitent sinner. And, in this respect, look not only for an outward profession, but for evidence of deep-toned and devoted piety. The are many professors of religion who show very few signs of spiritual life. And there are doubtless many that make loud professions of religious experience, who know nothing of the power of godliness. Look for a person who makes religion the chief concern of his life; who is determined to live for God, and not for himself. Make this the test. Worldly-minded professors of religion are worse associates than those who make no profession. They exert a more withering influence upon the soul.

2. Another indispensable requisite is an AMIABLE DISPOSITION. Whatever good qualities a man may possess, if he is selfish, morose, sour, peevish, fretful, jealous, or passionate, he will make an uncomfortable companion. Grace may do much towards subduing these unholy tempers; yet, if they were fostered in the heart in childhood, and suffered to grow up to maturity before grace began to work, they will often break out in the family circle. However, you will find it exceedingly difficult to judge in this matter. The only direction I can give on this subject is, that, if you discover the exercise of any unhallowed passions in a man, with the opportunity you will have of observation, you may consider it conclusive evidence of a disposition which would render you miserable.

3. The person of your choice must possess a WELL-CULTIVATED MIND. In order to produce a community of feeling, and maintain a growing interest in each other's society, both parties must possess minds well stored with useful knowledge, and capable of continued expansion. We may love an ignorant person for his piety; but we cannot long enjoy his society, as a constant companion, unless that piety is mingled with intelligence. To secure your esteem, as well as your affections, he must be capable of intelligent conversation on all subjects of general interest.

4. His sentiments and feelings on general subjects must be CONGENIAL with your own. This is a very important matter. Persons of great worth, whose views and feelings, in relation to the common concerns of life are opposite, may render each other very unhappy. Particularly, if you possess a refined sensibility yourself, you must look for delicacy of feeling in a companion. A very worthy man may render you unhappy, by an habitual disregard of your feelings. And there are many persons who seem to be utterly insensible to the tender emotions of refined delicacy. A man who would subject you to continual mortification by his coarseness and vulgarity, would be incapable of sympathizing with you in all the varied trials of life. There is no need of your being deceived on this point. If you have much delicacy of feeling yourself, you can easily discover the want of it in others. If you have not, it will not be necessary in a companion.