Studies in the Psychology of Sex, Volume 2 / Sexual Inversion

by Havelock Ellis

A school-friendship is termed by Italian girls a "flame" (flamma). This term, as explained by Obici and Marchesini, indicates, in school-slang, both the beloved person and the friendship in the abstract; but it is a friendship which has the note of passion as felt and understood in this environment. In every college the "flame" is regarded as a necessary institution. The relationship is usually of a markedly Platonic character, and generally exists between a boarder on one side and a day-pupil on the other. Notwithstanding, however, its apparently non-sexual nature, all the sexual manifestations of college youth circle around it, and in its varying aspects of differing intensity all the gradations of sexual sentiment may be expressed.

Obici and Marchesini carried on their investigation chiefly among the pupils of Normal schools, the age of the girls being between 12 and 19 or 20. There are both boarders and day-pupils at these colleges; the boarders are most inflammable, but it is the day-pupils who furnish the sparks.

Obici and Marchesini received much assistance in their studies from former pupils who are now themselves teachers. One of these, a day-pupil who had never herself been either the object or the agent in one of these passions, but had had ample opportunity of making personal observations, writes as follows: "The 'flame' proceeds exactly like a love-relationship; it often happens that one of the girls shows man-like characteristics, either in physical type or in energy and decision of character; the other lets herself be loved, acting with all the obstinacy—and one might almost say the shyness—of a girl with her lover. The beginning of these relationships is quite different from the usual beginnings of friendship. It is not by being always together, talking and studying together, that two become 'flames'; no, generally they do not even know each other; one sees the other on the stairs, in the garden, in the corridors, and the emotion that arises is nearly always called forth by beauty and physical grace. Then the one who is first struck begins a regular courtship: frequent walks in the garden when the other is likely to be at the window of her class-room, pauses on the stairs to see her pass; in short, a mute adoration made up of glances and sighs. Later come presents of beautiful flowers, and little messages conveyed by complacent companions. Finally, if the 'flame' shows signs of appreciating all these proofs of affection, comes the letter of declaration. Letters of declaration are long and ardent, to such a degree that they equal or surpass real love-declarations. The courted one nearly always accepts, sometimes with enthusiasm, oftenest with many objections and doubts as to the affection declared. It is only after many entreaties that she yields and the relationship begins."

Another collaborator who has herself always aroused very numerous "flames" gives a very similar description, together with other particulars. Thus she states: "It may be said that 60 per cent. of the girls in a college have 'flame' relationships, and that of the remaining 40 only half refuse from deliberate repulsion to such affections; the other 20 are excluded either because they are not sufficiently pleasing in appearance or because their characters do not inspire sympathy." And, regarding the method of beginning the relationship, she writes: "Sometimes 'flames' arise before the two future friends have even seen each other, merely because one of them is considered as beautiful, sympathetic, nice, or elegant. Elegance exerts an immense fascination, especially on the boarders, who are bound down by monotonous and simple habits. As soon as a boarder hears of a day-pupil that she is charming and elegant she begins to feel a lively sympathy toward her, rapidly reaching anxiety to see her. The longed-for morning at length arrives. The beloved, unconscious of the tumult of passions she has aroused, goes into school, not knowing that her walk, her movements, her garments are being observed from stairs or dormitory corridor.... For the boarders these events constitute an important part of college-life, and often assume, for some, the aspect of a tragedy, which, fortunately, may be gradually resolved into a comedy or a farce."

Many letters are written in the course of these relationships; Obici and Marchesini have been able to read over 300 such letters which had been carefully preserved by the receivers and which, indeed, formed the chief material for their study. These letters clearly show that the "flame" most usually arises from a physical sympathy, an admiration of beauty and elegance. The letters written in this "flame" relationship are full of passion; they appear to be often written during periods of physical excitement and psychic erethism, and may be considered, Obici and Marchesini remark, a form of intellectual onanism, of which the writers afterward feel remorse and shame as of a physically dishonorable act. In reference to the underlying connection of these feelings with the sexual impulse, one of the lady collaborators writes: "I can say that a girl who is in love with a man never experiences 'flame' emotions for a companion."

Obici and Marchesini thus summarize the differential character of "flames" as distinguished from ordinary friendships: "(1) the extraordinary frequency with which, even by means of subterfuges, the lovers exchange letters; (2) the anxiety to see and talk to each other, to press each other's hands, to embrace and kiss; (3) the long conversations and the very long reveries; (4) persistent jealousy, with its manifold arts and usual results; (5) exaltation of the beloved's qualities; (6) the habit of writing the beloved's name everywhere; (7) absence of envy for the loved one's qualities; (8) the lover's abnegation in conquering all obstacles to the manifestations of her love; (9) the vanity with which some respond to 'flame' declarations; (10) the consciousness of doing a prohibited thing; (11) the pleasure of conquest, of which the trophies (letters, etc.) are preserved."

The difference between a "flame" and a friendship is very well marked in the absolute exclusiveness of the former, whence arises the possibility of jealousy. At the same time friendship and love are here woven together. The letters are chaste (a few exceptions among so many letters not affecting this general rule), and the purity of the flame relationship is also shown by the fact that it is usually between boarders and day-pupils, girls in different classes and different rooms, and seldom between those who are living in close proximity to each other. "Certainly," writes one of the lady collaborators, "the first sensual manifestations develop in girls with physical excitement pure and simple, but (at all events, I would wish to believe it) the majority of college-girls find sufficient satisfaction in being as near as possible to the beloved person (of whichever sex), in mutual admiration and in kissing, or, very frequently, in conversation that is by no means moral, though usually very metaphorical. The object of such conversation is to discover the most important mysteries of human nature, the why and the wherefore; it deals with natural necessities, which the girl feels and has an intuition of, but as yet knows nothing definite about. Such conversations are the order of the day in schools and in colleges and specially revolve around procreation, the most difficult mystery of all. They are a heap of stupidities." This lady had only known of one definitely homosexual relationship during the whole of her college-life; the couple in question were little liked and had no other "flames." The chief general sexual manifestations, this lady concludes, which she had noted among her companions was a constant preoccupation with sexual mysteries and the necessity of talking about them perpetually.

Another lady collaborator who had lived in a Normal school had had somewhat wider experiences. She entered at the age of 14 and experienced the usual loneliness and unhappiness of a new pupil. One day as she was standing pensive and alone in a corner of the room, a companion—one who on her arrival had been charged to show her over the college—ran up to her, "embracing me, closing by mouth with a kiss, and softly caressing my hair. I gazed at her in astonishment, but experienced a delicious sensation of supreme comfort. Here began the idyll! I was subjected to a furious tempest of kisses and caresses which quite stunned me and made me ask myself the reason of such a new and unforeseen affection. I ingenuously inquired the reason, and the reply was: 'I love you; you struck me immediately I saw you, because you are so beautiful and so white, and because it makes me happy and soothes me when I can pass my hands through your hair and kiss your plump, white face. I need a soul and a body.' This seemed to me the language of a superior person, for I could not grasp all its importance. As on the occasion when she first embraced me, I looked at her in astonishment and could not for the moment respond to a new fury of caresses and kisses. I felt that they were not like the kisses of my mamma, my papa, my brother, and other companions; they gave me unknown sensations; the contact of those moist and fleshy lips disturbed me. Then came the exchange of letters and the usual rights and duties of 'flames.' When we met in the presence of others we were only to greet each other simply, for 'flames' were strictly prohibited. I obeyed because I liked her, but also because I was afraid of her Othello-like jealousy. She would suffocate me, even bite me, when I played, joyously and thoughtlessly, with others, and woe to me if I failed to call her when I was combing my hair. She liked to see me with my hair down and would rest her head on my shoulder, especially if I were partially undressed. I let her do as she liked, and she would scold me severely because I was never first in longing for her, running to meet her, and kissing her. But at the same time the thought of losing her, the thought that perhaps one day she would shower her caresses on others, secretly wounded my heart. But I never told her this! One day, however, when with the head-mistress gazing at a beautiful landscape, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness and burst out crying. The head-mistress inquired what was the matter, and throwing myself in her arms I sobbed: 'I love her, and I shall die if she leaves off loving me!' She smiled, and the smile went through my heart. I saw at once how silly I was, and what a wrong road my companion was on. From that day I could no longer endure my 'flame.' The separation was absolute; I courageously bore bites and insults, even scratches on my face, followed by long complaints and complete prostration. I thought it would be mean to accuse her, but I invented a pretext for having the number of my bed changed. This was because she would dress quietly and come to pass hours by my bed, resting her head on the pillow. She said she wished to smell the perfume of my health and freshness. This continual turbulent desire had now nauseated me, and I wished to avoid it altogether. Later I heard that she had formed a relationship which was not blessed by any sacred rite."

Notwithstanding the Platonic character of the correspondences, Obici and Marchesini remark, there is really a substratum of emotional sexuality beneath it, and it is this which finds its expression in the indecorous conversations already referred to. The "flame" is a love-fiction, a play of sexual love. This characteristic comes out in the frequently romantic names, of men and women, invented to sign the letters.

Even in the letters themselves, however, the element of sexual impressionability may be traced. "On Friday we went to a service at San B.," writes one who was in an institution directed by nuns, "but unfortunately I saw M. L. at a window when I thought she was at A. and I was in a nervous state the whole time. Imagine that that dear woman was at the window with bare arms, and, as it seemed to me, in her chemise." No doubt a similar impression might have been made on a girl living in her own family. But it is certain that the imaginative coloring tends to be more lively in those living in colleges and shut off from that varied and innocent observation which renders those outside colleges freer and more unprejudiced. On a boy who is free to see as many women as he chooses a woman's face cannot make such an impression as on a boy who lives in a college and who is liable to be, as it were, electrified if he sees any object belonging to a woman, especially if he sees it by stealth or during a mood of erotism. Such an object calls out a whole series of wanton imaginations, which it could not do in one who, by his environment, was already armed against any tendencies to erotic fetichism. The attraction exerted by that which we see but seldom, and around which fancy assiduously plays, the attraction of forbidden fruit, produces tendencies and habits which could scarcely develop in freedom. Curiosity is acute, and is augmented by the obstacles which stand in the way of its satisfaction. "Flame" attraction is the beginning of such a morbid fetichism. A sentiment which under other conditions would never have gone beyond ordinary friendship may thus become a "flame," and even a "flame" of markedly sexual character. Under these influences boys and girls feel the purest and simplest sentiments in a hyperesthetic manner. The girls here studied have lost an exact conception of the simple manifestations of friendship, and think they are giving evidence of exquisite sensibility and true friendship by loving a companion to madness; friendship in them has become a passion. That this intense desire to love a companion passionately is the result of the college environments may be seen by the following extract from a letter: "You know, dear, much better than I do how acutely girls living away from their own homes, and far from all those who are dearest to them on earth, feel the need of loving and being loved. You can understand how hard it is to be obliged to live without anyone to surround you with affection;" and the writer goes on to say how all her love turns to her correspondent.