"In spite of what has been said above, I do not believe that I was sexually very precocious, and even now I feel that more pleasure would ensue from merely contemplating than from personal contact with the object of my amorous attentions.
"As I grew older there came, of course, an undefined physical longing, but it was the beauty of those I admired which mainly appealed to me. At the time of puberty I spontaneously acquired the habit of masturbation. Once while bathing I found that a pleasant feeling came with touching the sexual organs. It was not long before I was confirmed in the habit. At first I practised it but seldom, but afterward much more frequently (say, once a week), though at times months have elapsed without any indulgences on my part. I have only had erotic dreams three or four times in my life. The masturbation habit I regard as morally reprehensible and have made many resolutions to break it, but without avail. It affords me only the most momentary satisfaction, and is always followed by remorseful scruples.
"I have never in my life had any sexual feeling for a woman, nor any sexual connection with any woman whatsoever. The very thought of such a thing is excessively repugnant and disgusting to me. This is true, apart from any moral considerations, and I do not think I could bring myself to it. I am not attracted by young women in any way. Even their physical beauty has little or no charm for me, and I often wonder how men can be so affected by it. On the other hand, I am not a woman-hater, and have several strong friends of the opposite sex. They are, however, women older than myself, and our friendship is based solely on certain intellectual or esthetic tastes we have in common.
"I have had practically no physical relations with men; at any rate, none specifically sexual. Once, when about 19 or 21, I started to embrace a beautifully formed youth with whom I was sleeping, but timidity and scruples got the better of my feelings, and, as my bedfellow was not amorously inclined toward me, nothing came of it. A few years after this I became strongly attached to a friend whom I had already known for several years. Circumstances threw us very much together during one summer. It was now that I felt for the first time the full shock of love. He returned my affection, but both of us were shy of showing our feelings or speaking of them. Often when walking together after night-fall we would put our arms about each other. Sometimes, too, when sleeping together we would lie in close contact, and my friend once suggested that I put my legs against his. He frequently begged me to spend the night with him; but I began to fear my feelings, and slept with him but seldom. We neither of us had any definite ideas about homosexual relations, and, apart from what I have related above, we had no further contact with each other. A few months after our amorous feelings had developed my friend died. His death caused me great distress, and my naturally religious temperament began to manifest itself quite strongly. At this time, too, I first read some writings of Mr. Addington Symonds, and certain allusions in his work, coupled with my recent experience, soon stirred me to a full consciousness of my inverted nature.
"About eight months after my friend's death I happened to meet in a strange town a youth of about my own age who exerted upon me a strong and instant attraction. He possessed a refined, handsome face, was gracefully built, and, though he was rather undemonstrative, we soon became fast friends.
"We were together only for a few days, when I was obliged to leave for my home, and the parting caused me great unhappiness and depression. A few months after we spent a vacation together. One day during our trip we went swimming, and undressed in the same bathhouse. When I saw my friend naked for the first time he seemed to me so beautiful that I longed to throw my arms about him and cover him with kisses. I kept my feelings hidden, however, hardly daring to look at him for fear of being unable to restrain my desires. Several times afterward, in his room, I saw him stripped, with the same effect upon my emotions. Until I had seen him naked my feelings for him were not of a physical character, but afterward I longed for actual contact, but only by embraces and kisses. Though he was fond of me, he had absolutely no amorous longings for me, and being a simple, pure-minded fellow, would have loathed me for mine and my inverted nature. I was careful never to let him discover it, and I was made very unhappy when he confided that he was in love with a young girl whom he wished to marry. This episode took place several years ago, and though we are still friends my emotional feelings for him have cooled considerably.
"I have always been very shy of showing any affectionate tendencies. Most of my acquaintances (and close friends even) think me curiously cold, and often wonder why I have never fallen in love or married. For obvious reasons I have never been able to tell them.
"Three or four years ago a little book by Coventry Patmore fell into my hands, and from its perusal resulted a strange blending of my religious and erotic notions. The desire to love and be loved is hard to drown, and, when I realized that homosexually it was neither lawful nor possible for me to love in this world, I began to project my longings into the next. By birth I am a Roman Catholic, and in spite of a somewhat skeptical temper, manage to remain one by conviction.
"From the doctrines of the Trinity, Incarnation, and Eucharist, I have drawn conclusions which would fill the minds of the average pietist with holy horror; nevertheless I believe that (granting the premises) these conclusions are both logically and theologically defensible. The Divinity of my fancied paradise resembles in no way the vapid conceptions of Fra Angelico, or the Quartier St. Sulpice. His physical aspect, at least, would be better represented by some Praxitilean demigod or Flandrin's naked, brooding boy.
"While these imaginings have caused me considerable moral disquietude, they do not seem wholly reprehensible, because I feel that the chief happiness I would derive by their realization would be mainly from the contemplation of the loved one, rather than from closer joys.