"At 10 years of age we moved to Sweden, a country I hated from first to last. About this time I began to notice that there was something strange about myself. I felt myself an alien, and have done so ever since. An event of importance in my life was, I feel sure, when my father's sister tried to take away my mother's character. It was done in jealousy and spite, and my aunt had to beg my parents' pardon. Outwardly the affair was patched up; but I feel sure my father never really forgave his sister. Jews never forgive.
"This event awoke in me a great hatred toward women, and it was many years before I could at all control it.
"At the age of 14 I was much with a good-looking, musical American, a year older than myself. One day, while romping, very much the same thing occurred as with the groom. I still had no sexual feelings. We remained good friends. I often wished to kiss him. After the first time he would not allow it. He was very much liked among the officers and so-called high society men, and had always much money. About ten years later I heard he used to accept money after intimate intercourse with those society men.
"During my fifteenth year I had great longing for sexual intercourse with men. At this time the first signs of hair were to be seen on my abdomen.
"At the age of 16 a gardener, a married man with family, initiated me into mutual self-abuse. He lived in the back house of the apartment house we then inhabited. He was about 40 years of age, an ugly but muscularly developed man. These practices took place in the cellar, to which there were three entrances. I never allowed him to kiss me and the sight of his children always awoke in me a great feeling of nausea. That was the natural reaction of a bad conscience. For the man himself I had the utmost contempt. This man told me of several parks and pissoirs where men met, and I went to these places now and again for erotic adventure.
"I must here relate that at the age of 16 my mother warned me against self-abuse. It had the opposite effect, made me curious, so I began at once. I have continued ever since, at least once a day. (I have never had an involuntary emission in my whole life.) Between 17 and 22 it became necessary for me to do so several times a day. Working at art, painting, and above all music and beauty have a strong influence over me and set my erotic longings in violent motion. I have never found this do me any harm. Abstinence, on the other hand, has a very harmful effect on me, upsetting the whole nervous and physical system. I often find that there is a something very much wanting in self-abuse: the commingling of two human bodies who are mentally as well as physically in sympathy gives an electrical satisfaction which quiets the whole nervous system. That at least has been my experience.
"The gardener left and moved to the country. I then sometimes visited pissoirs or, as they are often called, 'panoramas' (because they are round and one sees much there). What I saw in the parks during the long summer nights was quite a revelation. During the summer, when the husbands had sent their families in the country, many of them led a very indiscreet life. What I saw the first summer killed all the respect I had for elderly people. I had always connected marriage and gray hairs with virtue and morals; then I learnt otherwise. I must say I became about this time a sensual pig. I knew how dangerous these places were on account of the police and blackmailers, but that gave the hunt a double zest. At this time I led a double life and was always watching and analyzing myself. I had to do with heaps of men of all classes. I was often offered money, but that I would on no condition accept. To pay or to be paid kills every sort of erotic feeling in me and always has done so. I once wished to experiment with myself. I was offered a small sum of money by a former schoolmaster. I accepted this just to see how it would affect me. The next moment I threw the money as far away as possible. Then I saw I had none of the prostitute nature in me. I was simply overwhelmed with sensuality. I considered I was a criminal and wished to see in how many ways my nature had the criminal instinct. I wanted to see if I could become a thief. I stole a silver button in a shop where antiquities were sold, but I went to the shop the same day again and returned the button, without the people knowing. I found I could not become a thief. Then the question came. Why had I felt a criminal since my seventh year? Was it my fault? If not, whose fault was it? Not till I studied Freud's psychoanalytical system did I get a clear insight into my own character.
"When I was 20 years of age I met a gentleman one night in a heavy snow-storm. We walked and talked and understood each other. He belonged to one of Sweden's first aristocratic families. He was extremely refined. He asked me to his rooms. We undressed and lay down. He had a very beautiful head and a still more beautiful body. I think that all my erotic feelings were numbed by looking at his beautiful body. To me anything sensual would have been sacrilege, I thought, and I can remember the feeling of awe which came over me. He was them 20 years of age, but his hair was quite white. First he did not understand, and then he was very gentle to me. I kept perfectly chaste for three whole months after the sight of his body. We saw each other often. Eight years later we met for the last time. He suffered much from melancholia. At that time I prevented him from committing suicide. This winter, however, he shot himself.
"At the age of 22 my sister introduced me to a charming, intelligent and refined, half-English, half-Swedish painter. We 'recognized' each other at once, though we had never seen each other before, and even knew each other's characters to the smallest traits. My parents liked him better than any friend I had ever had. My sister and he were from the first like sister and brother. The first evening in my home he and I kissed each other. The women were mad about him. Later I found many men were too. I was three weeks his senior. He had his own rooms. I have never felt any such wonderful harmony as when our naked bodies mingled. It was like floating in ether. With him it was the only time I had been active in fellatio. We were much together, though not much physically, for he had many love affairs with women. What I loved was the way he would cut off all advances of men, I was his 'little brother' and so he calls me to this day. He is now married in America, and the father of a pretty little daughter. We are the best of friends to this day.
"The two years in Copenhagen were some of the happiest I have spent, though nearly the whole time I was in physical pain. In Austria I found, among the Tyrolese peasants, that the Englishmen, who come there in winter for sports and in the summer for mountain climbing, have demoralized the young male peasants with money. Homosexual intercourse is easy to get if you are willing to pay the price,—larger in season, less out of season.