"From the time of my earliest imaginings I have always been attached by strength in men and often thought about being carried off by big warriors and living with them in caves and elsewhere. When about 7 a young man used to show me his penis and handle mine occasionally. At private boarding school masturbation was fairly frequent and I suppose I was initiated about 12 or 13. After leaving I occasionally indulged, but nothing happened until I was about 20, except that I was often attracted by strong, well-built young men of good character; a man who was not honest and good-hearted had no attraction. At 20 I was much attached to a young man of my own age. He was engaged. This did not prevent him on one occasion endeavoring playfully and with his brother to obtain access to my person. I successfully resisted, although if he only had been present I should not have done so, but welcomed the attempt, and I have often regretted I did not let him know this. But I had a dim idea that my penis was somewhat undeveloped and this made me shy. Circumstances separated us. About two years later I was crossing the Channel when I engaged in conversation with a man about eight years older, who was one of our travelling party. I think the attraction was a case of love at sight, certainly on my side. A few nights later he had so arranged that we shared a bedroom, and he very soon came over to me and tenderly handled my person. I reciprocated and I look back all these years to that night with pleasure and no feeling of shame. On one occasion, about this time, I happened to be sleeping with another young fellow (an office mate) on a holiday, when I awoke and found him handling my penis caressingly. I gently removed his hand and turned over. I thought none the less of him, but my body seemed to belong only to myself and the friend I loved. He was not an urning, I am sure, but we Were often together and I much entered into his interests and felt infinite satisfaction with life, made good progress and many friends. Our physical intimacy was repeated, he taking the active part in intercrural contact. Then he married very happily. Our friendship remains, but circumstances prevent our often meeting, and there is no longer desire on either part.
"For some years I was rather lonely in spite of friends. I was somewhat attracted to another man, but his superior social position was a defect to me. Then when about 28 I came in contact with a young man of 24, of the artisan class, but superior in ideals and intelligence to most men. I loved him at first glance and to this day. At first it was just friendship, but soon his form, voice, and thoughts entered into my very soul by day and night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home, friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world, preferably an island where we two might at least be the only white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon courage to put my arm over his chest, but I could not sleep for unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating. Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened once more, and then on a later occasion,—not that it afforded me much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to ardor,—I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and, although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain extent, I did not realize the true reason of his coldness. But I felt utterly miserable. When I met a noble woman whom I had long known I asked her to be my wife and she consented. Although I told her very soon, and long before our marriage, of my limitations as a husband and of my continued longing for my friend, I feel now I did a great wrong, and I cannot understand why I was not more conscious of this at the time; that I was to a certain extent deceiving her relations was inevitable. I had expected to devote my life in making her happy, but I soon found that the true reason of my friend's apparent unfaithfulness was my own action, combined with a feeling on his part that it was as well that our affection should cease even at the cost of misunderstanding. Since then, three years ago, I have not had a happy day or night, and am therefore quite unable to promote happiness in others. Without my friend, I can find no satisfaction with wife, child, or home. Life has become almost unbearable. Often I have seriously thought of committing suicide, only to postpone it to a time which would be less cruelly inopportune to others. I see my friend (now married) almost daily, and suffer tortures at seeing others nearer to him than myself. No explanation seems possible, as the whole idea of inversion is so repugnant to him, and being an honorable man he would feel marital ties preclude any warmth of affection. But all the longing of my life seems to be culminating in a driving force which will carry me to the male prostitute or to death. I can concentrate my mind on nothing else, and consequently have become inefficient in work and have no heart for play. I know if my longings could be occasionally satisfied I should immediately recover, but my fear is that if I killed myself those who knew me in happier days would only be confirmed in the impression of my degeneracy and would feel my instincts had caused it, whereas it is the denial and starvation of them which would have brought about the result. I know now by experience of self and others that my disposition is congenital and that I have been rendered unhappy myself and a cause of unhappiness to others by the too late knowledge of myself. The example of my former friend who married misled me to think I too could marry and make a happy home; so that when the man I loved advised me I resolved to do so, as I would have done almost anything else he suggested. If I could have withdrawn from the engagement without embarrassment to the devoted woman who became my wife I would have done so, if she gave me the opportunity. Nothing in my married state has brought me pleasure and I often wish my wife would cease to love me so that we might separate. But she would be heart-broken at the suggestion and I feel driven to attempt to relieve my feelings even in a way that has previously seemed repulsive to me,—I mean by use of money.
"About my feelings toward my child there is not much to say, as they are not very strong. I believe I carry him and help bathe and attend to him as much as most fathers, and when he is a few years older I hope I may find him very companionable. But he has brought me no real joy, though I see other men look at him almost with affection. But he has brought added happiness to his mother."
The next case is interesting as showing the mental and emotional development in a very radical case of sexual inversion.
HISTORY XX.—Englishman, of independent means, aged 49. His father and his father's family were robust, healthy, and prolific. On his mother's side, phthisis, insanity, and eccentricity are traceable. He belongs to a large family, some of whom died in early childhood and at birth, while others are normal. He himself was a weakly and highly nervous child, subject to night-terrors and somnambulism, excessive shyness and religious disquietude.
Sexual consciousness awoke before the age of 8, when his attention was directed to his own penis. His nurse, while out walking with him one day, told him that when little boys grow' up their penes fall off. The nursery-maid sniggered, and he felt that there must be something peculiar about the penis. He suffered from; irritability of the prepuce, and the nurse powdered it before he went to sleep. There was no transition from this to self-abuse.
About the same time he became subject to curious half-waking dreams. In these he imagined himself the servant of several adult naked sailors; he crouched between their thighs and called himself their dirty pig, and by their orders he performed services for their genitals and buttocks, which he contemplated and handled with relish. At about the same period, when these visions began to come to him, he casually heard that a man used to come and expose his person before the window of a room where the maids sat; this troubled him vaguely. Between the age of 8 and 11 he twice took the penis of a cousin into his mouth, after they had slept together; the feeling of the penis pleased him. When sleeping with another cousin, they used to lie with hands outstretched to cover each other's penis or nates. He preferred the nates, but his cousin the penis. Neither of these cousins was homosexual, and there was no attempt at mutual masturbation. He was in the habit of playing with five male cousins. One of these boys was unpopular with the others, and they invented a method of punishing him for supposed offenses. They sat around the room on chairs, each with his penis exposed, and the boy to be punished went around the room on his knees and took each penis into his mouth in turn. This was supposed to humiliate him. It did not lead to masturbation. On one occasion the child accidentally observed a boy who sat next to him in school playing with his penis and caressing it. This gave him a powerful, uneasy sensation. With regard to all these points the subject observes that none of the boys with whom he was connected at this period, and who were exposed to precisely the same influences, became homosexual.
He was himself, from the first, indifferent to the opposite sex. In early childhood, and up to the age of 13, he had frequent opportunities of closely inspecting the sexual organs of girls, his playfellows. These roused no sexual excitement. On the contrary, the smell of the female parts affected him disagreeably. When he once saw a schoolfellow copulating with a little girl, it gave him a sense of mystical horror. Nor did the sight of the male organs arouse any particular sensations. He is, however, of opinion that, living with his sisters in childhood, he felt more curious about his own sex as being more remote from him. He showed no effeminacy in his preferences for games or work.
He went to a public school. Here he was provoked by boy friends to masturbate, but, though he often saw the act in process, it only inspired him with a sense of indecency. In his fifteenth year puberty commenced with nocturnal emissions, and, at the same time, he began to masturbate, and continued to do so about once a week, or once a fortnight, during a period of eight months; always with a feeling that that was a poor satisfaction and repulsive. His thoughts were not directed either to males or females while masturbating. He spoke to his father about these signs of puberty, and by his father's advice he entirely abandoned onanism; he only resumed the practice, to some extent, after the age of 30, when he was without male comradeship.
The nocturnal emissions, after he had abandoned self-abuse, became very frequent and exhausting. They were medically treated by tonics such as quinine and strychnine. He thinks this treatment exaggerated his neurosis.