"Several men have been good friends of mine, but very few suitors. I scarcely ever feel at ease with a man; but women I understand and can nearly always make my friends.
"I am of Scotch-Irish descent. My father's family were respectable, prosperous, religious people; my mother's family only semi-respectable, hard livers, shrewd, but not intelligent, industrious and money-getting, but fond of drinking and carousing. There were many illegitimates among them. Both grandmothers, though of little education, were unusual women. Of my four maternal uncles, three drank heavily.
"When 43, my mother gave birth to me, the youngest of 8 children. Of those who grew to adult years, 2 seem quite normal sexually; 1 is exceedingly erratic, entirely unprincipled, has been a thief and a forger, is a probable bigamist, and has betrayed several respectable women. Aside from his having inordinate desire, I know of no sexual abnormality. Another brother, married and a father, as a boy was much given to infatuations for men. I fancy this never went beyond infatuation and of late years has not been noticeable. A third brother, single, though much courted by women on account of his good looks and personal charm, is wholly unresponsive, has no gallantry, nor was ever, to my knowledge, a suitor. He is, however, fond of the society of women, especially those older than he. He has a somewhat effeminate voice and walk. Though he has begun of late years to smoke and drink a little, these habits sit rather oddly upon him. When a child, one of his favorite make-believe games was to pretend that he was a famous woman singer. At school he was always found hanging around the older girls.
"As a child I loved to stay in the fields, refused to wear a sunbonnet, used to pretend I was a boy, climbed trees, and played ball. I liked to play with dolls, but I did not fondle them, or even make them dresses. When my hair was clipped, I was delighted and made everyone call me 'John.' I used to like to wear a man's broad-brimmed hat and make corn-cob pipes. I was very fond of my father and tried to imitate him as much as possible. Where animals were concerned, I was entirely fearless.
"I think I was not a sexually precocious child, though I seem to have always known in a dim way that there were two sexes. Very early I had a sense of shame at having my body exposed; I remember on one occasion I could not be persuaded to undress before a young girl visitor. At that time I must have been about 3. When I was 4 a neighbor who had often petted me took me on his lap and clasped my hand around his penis. Though he was interrupted in a moment, this made a lasting impression on me. I had no physical sensation nor did I have any conception of the significance of the act. Yet I had a slight feeling of repulsion, and I must have dimly felt that it was wrong, for I did not tell my mother. I was not accustomed to confide in her, for, though truthful, I was secretive.
"At the age of 5 I commenced to attend a district school. I remember that on my first day I was Greatly attracted by a little girl who wore a bright-red dress.
"My first definite knowledge of sex came in this way: I was attending Sabbath school and had become ambitious to read the Bible through. I had gotten as far as the account of the birth of Esau and Jacob, which aroused my curiosity. So I asked my mother the meaning of some word in the passage. She seemed embarrassed and evaded my question. This attitude stimulated my curiosity further, and I re-read the chapter until I understood it pretty well. Later I was further enlightened by girl playmates. I fancy I enjoyed listening to their talk and repeating what I knew on account of the mystery and secrecy with which sex subjects are surrounded rather than any sensual delight.
"I cannot recall any act of mine growing directly from sexual feeling until I was 10 years old. Several other little girls and myself two or three times exposed private parts of our bodies to each other. In one instance, at least, I was the instigator. This act gave me some pleasure, though no distinct physical sensation. One incident I recall that happened when I was about 10. A girl cousin and myself had been playing 'house' together. I do not recall what immediately led to it, but we began to address each other as boys and tried to urinate through long tubes of some sort. I also recall feeling a vague interest in this process in animals, and observing them closely in the act.
"From this time until I was about 14 I grew ruder, more boisterous and uncontrollable. Prior to this I had been a quite tractable child. When 12 I became interested in a boy in my grade at school, and tried to attract him, but failed. Once at a children's party where we were playing kissing games I tried to get him to kiss me, but he was unresponsive. I do not recall bothering myself about him after that. A year later I had a boy chum about whom my schoolmaster teased me. I thought this ridiculous. At the age of 13 I menstruated, a fact that caused me shame and anger. Gradually I grew to feel myself peculiar, why, I cannot explain. I did not seem to myself to be like other girls of my acquaintance. I adopted, as a defense, a brusque and defiant air. I spent a good deal of time playing alone in our backyard, where I made a pair of stilts, practised rope-walking, and such things. At school I felt I was not liked by the nicer girls and began to associate with girls whom I now believe were immoral, but whom I then supposed did nothing worse than talk in an obscene manner. I copied their conversation and grew more reckless and uncontrollable. The principal of the high school I was attending, I learned afterward, said I was the hardest pupil to control she had ever had. About this time I read a book where a girl was represented as saying she had a 'boy's soul in a girl's body.' The applicability of this to myself struck me at once, and I read the sentence to my mother who disgusted me by appearing shocked.
"During this period I began to fall in love,—a practice which clung to me until I was nearly 30 years old. I recall various older women with whom I became much enamored, and one man. Of these there was only one with whom I became acquainted well enough to show any affection; another was a teacher, and another was a young married woman at whom I used to gaze ardently during an entire church service. Toward all my women teachers I had a somewhat sentimental attitude. They stimulated me, while the men gave me a wholly impersonal feeling. This abnormal sentimentality may have been caused, or at least was increased, by the reading of novels, some of a highly voluptuous nature. I began to read novels at 7, and from 11 to 14 I absorbed a great many undesirable ones. This lead to my picturing my future with a lover, fancying myself in romantic scenes and being caressed and embraced. I had always supposed I should marry. When about 5 I decided that when I grew up I would marry a certain young man who used to come to our house. Several years later he married, to my real disappointment. I had no affection for him, but merely thought he would make a desirable husband.