At 19 she became engaged to someone else. At the beginning she was physically indifferent to her lover, but when he first kissed her she became greatly excited. The engagement, however, was soon broken off from absence of strong affection on either side and chiefly, it would seem, from the cooling of the lover's ardor. She thinks he would have been more strongly attached to her if she had been colder to him, or pretended to be, instead of responding with simplicity and frankness.
During the next few years little occurred. She was working hard, and her amusements would mostly, she says, be regarded as rather childish. She was extremely fond of dancing, and she was always pleased when anyone paid her attention. She was frequently conscious of sexual feelings, sometimes tormented by them, and she regarded this as something to be ashamed of. The constant longing for love was affected little or not at all by hard work. "At about this time I was very fond of abandoning myself to day-dreams. I was very glad if I could get everyone out of the house and lie on an easy chair or the bed. I liked especially to read poetry, all the more if I did not quite understand it. This would lead me on to all sorts of dreams of love, which, however, never went beyond the preliminaries of actual love—as that was all I then knew of love." The only climax to her dream of love was founded on a piece of information volunteered by a married woman many years earlier, when she was about 12. This lady—evidently agreeing with Rousseau (who in Emile commended the mother's reply to the child's query whence babies come, "Les femmes les pissent, mon enfant, avec des grands douleurs") that the unknown should first be explained to the young in terms of the known—told her that the husband micturated into the wife. She therefore used to imagine a lover who would bear her away into a forest and do this on her as she lay at the foot of a tree. (At a later date she accidentally discovered that a full bladder tended to enhance sexual feelings, and occasionally resorted to this physical measure of heightening excitement.) All the physical sensations of sexual desire were called out by these day-dreams, with abundant secretion, but never the orgasm. Her reveries never led to masturbation or to allied manifestations, which have never taken place. Such a method of relief has, indeed, never offered any temptation to her and she doubts even its possibility in her case. (At a later period of life, however, at the age of 31, masturbation began and was practised at intervals.) At the same time she remarks that, while no orgasm (of which, indeed, she was then ignorant) ever occurred, the sexual excitement produced by the day-dreams was sufficiently great to cause a feeling of relief afterward. These day-dreams were the only way in which the sexual erethism was discharged. She cannot recall having erotic dreams or any sexual manifestations during sleep.
Spontaneous sexual excitement was present a few days before menstruation, and fairly marked during and immediately after the period. It also tended to recur in the middle of the intermenstrual period.
The pleasurable sensation connected with the smell of leather became more marked as she approached adult age. It was especially pronounced about the age of 24, and the sexual emotion it produced (with moisture of the vulva) was then clearly conscious. No other odor produced this effect in such a marked degree. It was often associated with leather bags, but not with boots, though on rubbing the leather of shoes she found that this odor was given out. She cannot account for its origin, and does not connect any association with it. It never affected her conduct or led to fetichistic habits.
Some other odors affect her in the same way, though not to the same degree as leather. This is more especially the case with some flowers, especially white flowers with heavy odors, like gardenias. Many flowers, on the other hand, like primroses, seem rather opposed to sex effect, too fresh, though stimulating to the mind. Some artificial scents tend to produce sexual effects also. Personal odors have no influence of this kind. (At a later period the sexual influence of personal odors was occasionally experienced, but the present history deals only with the period before marriage.)
She believes that most beautiful things, however unconnected with sex, have a tendency to produce distinctively sexual feelings in a faint degree, although sometimes more marked, with secretion. She has, however, never experienced homosexual feeling, and, on first consideration, was inclined to believe that the sight of a beautiful woman had no sexual effect on her, though she could quite understand such an effect. Subsequently, on recalling as well as observing her experiences more carefully, she found that a lovely woman's face and figure (especially on one occasion the very graceful figure of a beautiful fairy in a ballet) produced distinct sexual sensations (with mucous emission). Music, however, has strongly emotional effects upon her, and she cannot recall that she ever felt any equally powerful influence of this kind in the absence of music.
Looking back on the development of her feelings she finds that, though in some respects they may have been slow, they were simple, natural, spontaneous, and correspond to "the dawning and progress which go on in the development of every girl. While it is going on in actual fact, the girl does not know or bother herself about trying to understand it. Afterward it seems quite clear and simple. Full occupation of the brain, and hands too, while it does not do away with desire, is a great help and safeguard to a growing girl, when combined with proper information about herself and her relation to man the animal, so that she may realize where she is and how to choose the right man—though under the best conditions failure may occur."
HISTORY IX.—The subject belongs to a large family having some neurotic members; she spent her early life on a large farm. She is vigorous and energetic, has intellectual tastes, and is accustomed to think for herself, from unconventional standpoints, on many subjects. Her parents were very religious, and not, she thinks, of sensual temperament. Her own early life was free from associations of a sexual character, and she can recall little that now seems to be significant in this respect. She remembers that in childhood and for some time later she believed that children were born through the navel. Her activities went chiefly into humanitarian and utopian directions, and she cherished ideas of a large, healthy, free life, untrammeled by civilization. She regards herself as very passionate, but her sexual emotions appear to have developed very slowly and have been somewhat intellectualized. After reaching adult life she has formed several successive relationships with men to whom she has been attracted by affinity in temperament, in intellectual views, and in tastes. These relationships have usually been followed by some degree of disillusion, and so have been dissolved. She does not believe in legal marriage, though under fitting circumstances she would much like to have a child.
She never masturbated until the age of 27. At that time a married friend told her that such a thing could be done. She found it gave her decided pleasure, indeed, more than coitus had ever given her except with one man. She has never practised it to excess, only at rare intervals, and is of the opinion that it is decidedly beneficial when thus moderately indulged in. She has sometimes found, for instance, that, after the mental excitement produced by delivering a lecture, sleep would be impossible if masturbation were not resorted to as a sedative to relieve the tension.
Spontaneous sexual excitement is strongest just before the monthly period.