"'What makes you think so?' I asked, relieved to find that her woman's instinct was not at fault.
"'I do not know; I suppose it's the way he looks at one, or something.' Then her thought continued--'Men are so foolish; they seem to fancy girls are perfect fools and don't know anything!'
"I felt it was not fair to follow these reflections further. One gets hardened in time to seeing people's minds, as it were, naked, but at first some revelations tend to lower our views of human nature. It is not until we realize that our own unclothed sentiments would have a similar disenchanting effect upon others that we grow more charitable. If you wish fully to understand my meaning, try next time you are in mixed society to fancy that not only your words, but also your thoughts are audible to those around, and see if under such circumstances you would care to meet any of those people again.
"I, therefore, not wishing to be disenchanted, here disturbed her reflections with a kiss, and this action of mine started the usual train of sentimental talk which is about as varied and interesting as the soft, gentle, and monotonous sounds which the wood-pigeons make in spring-time. Happy birds, to whom comes no questioning voice to break their peace; who are conscious of no notes of absurdity mingling with their monotonous strains, and who wake from each short spring-time of love without remorse or disenchantment! Surely some men and women seem more naturally fitted for such brief experiences than for the prolonged and deeper sentiments of life-long devotion.
"'Life is too short,' cry such in the moment of awakened joy, for at that moment eternity touches them. Yet how few natures have risen sufficiently far above their transitory and animal instincts to remain long in this spirit of self-negation. The first breath of egoism disturbs it; passion degrades it; and before a year of the wished-for eternity is expired, how many may be found secretly regarding the one sane emotion of their lives as an experience of temporary, and yet conventional madness.
"Yet we have no right to blame them so long as they live up to the best instinct they possess, for growth is slow, and if we carry as yet more beast in our body than angel in our spirit, the beast will have its way. Growth or deterioration (for which alone we are responsible) depends upon the rule we welcome, and to which side our will, consciously or unconsciously, inclines us.
"During one of the pauses, as Vera and I sat together, I became conscious of a new and remarkable clearness of mental vision such as I had never before experienced (though I have spoken to a man temporarily insane who graphically described similar sensations of increased mental sight). It was as though from the normal condition of observing all subjects through the medium of frosted glass, some power had for the time removed the obstruction, enabling me to see every object in the clear light of day. In this condition I fully realized the weakness of Vera's character, and the misery that must necessarily follow. I also felt that whether we married or did not marry, I, having once loved, could only break this bond by selfishness. Then came this question, Was I prepared to suffer all things for her sake?--for if not, it was far better to cut my bonds at once. I looked at her, and a feeling of intense pity filled my heart.
"'Poor little child!' I thought. 'God alone can see all the nightmare of misery your nature must pass through before it comes forth in the light of His pure love!' Then a voice seemed to whisper in my ear, 'Think of your own life. If you take up this burden you will be dragged into the darkness; your nature will be lowered, your power for good destroyed.' Then again I looked at the girl, and as I did so my spirit cried and said, 'Even though I should be damned to walk for ever in darkness, though God's light be hidden from me, yet will I never cut this bond till we stand together before the face of our Father.' And it seemed to me that there were many voices chanting softly, 'Amen.'
"Whilst listening to the sound an overpowering gloom settled upon me. I remembered nothing more distinctly, though through the darkness many indistinct pictures flashed before me and vanished ere they were printed on my mind. At last I heard voices speaking, and opening my eyes, saw Vera and Vancome bending over me. As far as I know, this was the first time that I had fallen into a trance, or as doctors would call it, a state of catalepsy.
"It appears that Vera, finding me insensible, had rushed out of the glen, and seeing Vancome in the distance, had called to him for assistance. They both appeared to think that I had fainted, and I did not wish to undeceive them.