"There was also a note from Mr. Marsden, saying that his scheme was progressing favourably, and that he considered it would be better to make Lord Vancome a bankrupt; he had got possession of all his bills, and now only awaited instructions before taking final action.
"Without replying to either of the letters, I started for the North by the night train, and slept nearly the whole time, instead of devoting it to unravelling the entangled skein, which was probably the better plan, for I was thoroughly tired. Consequently I arrived at Heather Lodge refreshed, but without having the least idea of what course to pursue.
"Mr. Soudin had gone out, and I found Vera sitting alone, engaged in reading a novel. She seemed pleased to see me, and we sat for some time talking on trivial matters, which gave me an opportunity of reading her thoughts, and thus finding out whether the memory of her journey to Liverpool had returned. With some relief I soon discovered that, though she had a dim remembrance of having intended to run away from home with Vancome, and of a journey with some unknown lady, the intervening period was still a blank; and, moreover, that she had been persuaded even this remembrance was but a delusion owing to illness. After her return she had suffered from a slight fever, brought on no doubt by the excitement; and during recovery it was easy to make her believe that what remembrance she retained was simply the effect of delirium. Though she now disliked Vancome, it was not difficult to perceive that she had not forgotten our former quarrel. Her father had apparently been urging her strongly to accept my suit and had prevailed, but there was no sign that she loved me; and this fact, considering the strange position in which we were placed, ought to have caused me more relief than it did.
"I found it impossible to convince my heart that, considering the circumstances, such a husband had any right over this girl; though at the same time I fully realized how all hope of my marrying her was at an end, and that my love must in future be unselfish, desiring neither any return of affection nor other reward.
"You may think that from the time I became acquainted with the marriage, it was my duty to stamp out all feeling of affection and accept this as a sign that I had previously been mistaken in supposing our lives were for all time to influence each other, or that I was still responsible for the girl's future. In fact, considering her character, one so placed might well, from a selfish point of view, have rejoiced in regaining freedom from a burden that could only bring pain and trouble through life. Such views have become the accepted canons of society, and in most cases it would be foolish to fight against them. Marriage in itself is a wise law fitted to the present condition of our lower animal natures, and to tamper with it is not only a dangerous, but a retrograde step. For it shadows forth the nobler union of souls, and in some few cases may even bring a foretaste of future joy.
"On the other hand, it is equally false to assume that this legal or so-called religious tie has any necessary spiritual significance; and while at the present day the bond is often held too lightly, there are some, who, conscious of nobler feelings and aspirations, regard wedlock as a divine union of souls. This view, though correct as an ideal, finds too seldom its realization; hence arises no little confusion of ideas and much unnecessary trouble of heart. The scoffers ask, with the Sadducees of old, which man's wife shall such a one be in the resurrection, forgetting that the body is nothing, and that the passions of the body are nothing but the trivialities of a transitory condition. Such things are intended to seem important to us whilst on earth; and bear an apparent significance out of all proportion to their spiritual importance. Thus we live in a world full of heaven-sent delusions. No observation of other lives can destroy them, for each man or woman must learn the lesson by experience.
"Think of all that has been written and all that has been said about love, and yet how year by year we see the same picture reproduced. When first a girl attracts a youth, or may be a man of mature years, what are his feelings? If only he can get her to consent to be his wife, he believes that his whole existence must be changed to one of joy; that in her company all other interests will be as nothing; that it must be impossible to tire of her presence, to be a moment absent from her without pain, that they will in fact continue lovers to the end. If he looks round on his married acquaintances it is nothing to him that he can find no such state of existence; others can never have felt as he feels, for no one had like cause. He may be half conscious that he is being tricked by his emotions, but he prefers not to question his mind on the subject. Nature is too strong for reason, and having her work to accomplish, fulfils her mission."
I was surprised to hear Sydney speaking in this way, and interrupted him by asking if he did not believe in the possibility of an enduring and true love on earth.
"Yes," he replied, "most certainly; but not in this fascination lasting. True love can only be tested by those who have learned the lesson of self-renunciation. If you wish to know whether you love or not, face these questions--Is it for myself this possession is desired, or am I striving only for the happiness of the one beloved? Should she change, and the beauty, if there is beauty, turn to the most repulsive ugliness; her apparent saintliness to sin; her affection to hatred, or her sanity to madness, should I still love her? If you can truly say this, and have sufficient imagination to realize fully the meaning of the change, yours is love; and if in after times, when trial comes, your self-confidence leaves you, such love may even then rest assured it is eternal, because it is of God. But we see this devotion more often exhibited in the passion of parent for child than in love between man and wife. The reason of this being that the latter relationship begins with the expectation of a love to be returned, and the former with a ministry of tenderness which can at the time receive no active response. It is ever owing to seemingly adverse circumstances that the finer qualities of man's nature are drawn forth, and I have more reason to be thankful for the misery and perplexity which my love for Vera brought into my life than for all the hours of happiness which I have known. Much, however, as we may appreciate these disguised blessings in retrospect, it does not make them more agreeable to pass through; and this time which I spent at Heather Lodge was perhaps, with one exception, the most miserable period of my life.
"I felt that it was absolutely necessary to take the first opportunity of letting Mr. Soudin know the truth. As soon as he returned, and I had a chance of speaking to him alone, I started on the unpleasant task. He listened patiently to the outline of the story till I came to the marriage-licence, then turning livid with anger he lost all self-control.