The first was an old gentleman, and a determined advocate of the institution. He said, "Your remarks are all bosh; the African race were born slaves, and have been so for centuries, and are fit for nothing else."—I replied, "I am quite aware of the effect of breeding; we have a race of dog in England which, from their progenitors of many successive generations having had their tails cut off in puppyhood, now breed their species without tails; nay, more—what are all our sporting dogs, but evidence of the same fact? A pointer puppy stands instinctively at game, and a young hound will run a fox; take the trouble, for many generations, to teach the hound to point and the pointer to run, and their two instincts will become entirely changed. The fact, sir, is that the African having been bred a slave for so many generations is one great cause of his lower order of intellect; breed him free and educate him, and you will find the same result in him as in the dog."—He was about to reply when another of the deputation rose and reminded him they had agreed to make but one observation each, and to receive one answer. I rejoiced at this arrangement, as it saved me trouble and gave me the last word.
A very touchy little slaveholder next addressed me, saying, "Pray, sir, why can't you leave us alone, and mind your own business?"—I replied, "As for leaving you alone, I am quite ready to do so when you have left the negro alone; but as for exclusively attending to my own business, that would be far too dull; besides, it is human nature to interfere with other people's affairs, and I can't go against nature."—He retired, biting his lip, and as the door closed, I thought I heard the words "Meddling ass!"—but I wont be sure.
Next came a swaggering bully of a slave-driver, evidently bred in the North. He said, "This, sir, is a free country; why mayn't every master wallop his own nigger?"—I thought it best to cut him short; so I said, "Because, if freedom is perfect, such a permission would involve its opposite—viz., that every nigger may wallop his own master; and your antecedents, I guess, might make such a law peculiarly objectionable to you personally."—He retired, eyeing first me and then his cowhide in a very significant manner.
The next spokesman was a clerical slaveholder, with a very stiff and very white neckcloth, hair straight and long, and a sanctified, reproof-ful voice. "Sir," said he, "why endeavour to disturb an institution that Scripture sanctions, and which provides so large a field for the ministrations of kindness and sympathy—two of the most tender Christian virtues?" A crocodile tear dropped like a full stop to finish his sentence. Irascibility and astonishment were struggling within me, when I heard his speech; but memory brought St. Paul to my aid, who reminded me he had before written certain words to the Corinthian Church—"Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light; therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed," &e. Thereupon I became calmer, and replied, "Sir, you are perfectly aware that our Saviour's mission was to the heart of man, and not to the institutions of man. Did He not instruct his subjugated countrymen to pay tribute to Caesar? and did He not set the example in his own person? Did He not instruct his disciples in the same breath, 'Fear God! honour the king?'—and is it not elsewhere written, 'But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil?' You are also perfectly aware that the American colonies refused to pay tribute to their Caesar, refused to honour their king, and did resist the evil. Now, sir, these things being so, you are compelled to admit one of two alternatives—either the whole of your countrymen are rebels against the Most High, and therefore aliens from God, or else, as I before said, the mission of the Gospel is to the hearts and not to the institutions of man. I see, sir, by the way you winced under the term 'rebel,' that you accept the latter alternative. If, then, it be addressed to the heart of man, it is through that channel—as it becomes enlarged by those virtues of which you spoke, kindness and sympathy—that human institutions are to become modified to suit the growing intelligence and growing wants of the human race, the golden rule for man's guidance being, Do as you would be done by. Be kind enough, sir, to look at Mr. Sambo Caesar working under the lash in a Carolina rice swamp; behold Mrs. Sambo Caesar torn from his bosom, and working under the same coercive banner in Maryland; and little Master Pompey, the only pledge of their affections, on his way to Texas. Is not this a beautiful comment on the Divine command, 'Love thy neighbour as thyself?' Permit me, sir, with all due respect, to urge you not to rest satisfied with preaching Christian resignation to the slave, and Christian kindness to the owner, but to seize every opportunity of fearlessly asserting that slavery is at variance with the spirit of the Gospel, and therefore that it behoves all Christians so to modify and change the laws respecting it, as gradually to lead to its total extinction. Good morning."—The reverend gentleman, who during the latter part of my observations had buried his hands in the bottom of his tail pockets, no sooner saw that I had finished my remarks, than he hastily withdrew his hands, exhibiting in one a Testament, in the other a Concordance; he evidently was rampant for controversy, but the next deputy, who thought I had already devoted an unfair proportion of time to the minister, reminded him of the regulations, and he was obliged to retire, another deputy opening the door for him, as both his hands were full.
The deputy who next rose to address me was accompanied by the lady, whom, of course, I begged to be seated. The husband—for such he proved to be—then spoke as follows:—"Sir, my wife and I have been in possession of a plantation for nearly twenty years. During all that period the rod has scarcely ever been used, except occasionally to some turbulent little boy. We have built cottages for our slaves; we allow them to breed poultry, which we purchase from them; old slaves are carefully nurtured and exempt from labour; the sick have the best of medical attendance, and are in many cases ministered to by my wife and daughter; the practical truths of Christianity are regularly taught to them; and every slave, I am sure, looks upon me and my family as his truest friends. This happy state, this patriarchal relationship, your proposals, if carried out, would completely overthrow." He was then silent, and his wife bowed an assent to the observations he had made. My heart was touched with the picture of the little negro paradise which he had given, and I replied, as mildly as possible, "The sketch you have so admirably drawn, and every word of which I fully believe, is indeed one which might dispose me to abandon my proposals for change, did any one which I had made interfere with the continuance of your benevolent rule, as long as slavery exists; but I must call your attention to an important fact which you, I fear, have quite overlooked during your twenty years of kind rule. To be brief—the cheerful homes of your happy negro families can afford no possible consolation to the less fortunate negroes whose wives and children are torn from their bosoms and sold in separate lots to different parts of the Union; nor will the knowledge that on your plantation the rod only falls occasionally on some turbulent child, be any comfort to grown-up negroes and negresses while writhing under thirty or forty stripes from the cowhide or paddle. Continue, most excellent people, your present merciful rule; strive to secure to every negro the same treatment; and if you find that impossible, join the honourable ranks of the temperate and gradual abolitionist and colonizer." They listened patiently to my observations, smiled quietly at the vanity which they thought the last sentence exhibited, and retired.
Scarce had the last charming couple disappeared, when a deputy arose, the antipodes of the last speaker; his manner was so arrogant, I instantly suspected his ignorance, and his observations showed such painful sensitiveness, that they were evidently the production of an accusing conscience. His parentage I could not ascertain accurately; but, being a slight judge of horseflesh, I should suspect he was by "Slave-bully" out of "Kantankerousina,"—a breed by no means rare in America, but thought very little of by the knowing ones. On referring to the list, I found he was entered as "Recriminator," and that the rest of the deputation had refused to give him a warranty. He sprang up with angry activity; he placed his left hand on his breast, the right hand he extended with cataleptic rigidity, and with an expression of countenance which I can only compare to that of an injured female of spotless virtue, he began, "You, sir—yes, I say, you, sir—you presume to speak of the slave—you, sir, who come from a nation of slaves, whose rampant aristocrats feed on the blood of their serfs, where title is another word for villany, and treads honesty beneath its iron heel! You, sir, you offer suggestions for the benefit of a country whose prosperity excites your jealousy, and whose institutions arouse mingled feelings of hatred and fear! Go home, sir—go home! no more of your canting hypocrisy about the lusty negro! go home, sir, I say! enrich your own poor, clothe your naked, and feed your own starving—the negro here is better off than most of them! Imitate the example of this free and enlightened nation, where every citizen is an independent sovereign; send your royalty and, aristocracy to all mighty smash, raise the cap of Liberty on the lofty pole of Democracy, and let the sinews of men obtain their just triumphs over the flimsy rubbish of intellect and capital! Tyranny alone makes differences. All men are equal!"—He concluded his harangue just in time to save a fit, for it was given with all the fuss and fury of a penny theatre King Richard; in fact, I felt at one time strongly inclined to call for "a horse," but, having accepted the deputation, I was bound to treat its members with courtesy; so I replied, "Sir, your elegantly expressed opinions of royalty, &c., require nothing but ordinary knowledge to show their absurdity, so I will not detain you by dwelling on that subject; but, sir, you studiously avoid alluding to the condition of the slave, and, by seeking for a fault elsewhere, endeavour to throw a cloak over the subject of this meeting. You tell me the poor in England need much clothing and food—that is very true; but, sir, if every pauper had a fur cloak and a round of beef, I cannot see the advantage the negro would derive therefrom. Again, sir, you say the negro is better off than many of our poor; so he is far better off than many of the drunken rowdies of your own large towns; yet I have never heard it suggested that they should be transformed into slaves, by way of bettering their condition. Take my advice, sir; before you throw stones, he sure that there is not a pane of glass in your Cap of Liberty big enough for 3,000,000 of slaves to look through. And pray, sir, do not forget, 'Tyranny alone makes differences. All men are equal!'"
A slam of the door announced the departure and the temper of Recriminator, and it also brought upon his feet another deputy who had kept hitherto quite in the background. He evidently was anxious for a private audience, but that being impossible, he whispered in my ear, "Sir, I am an abolitionist, slick straight off; and all I have got to say is, that you are a soap-suddy, milk-and-water friend to the slave, fix it how you will." Seeing he was impatient to be off, I whispered to him in reply, "Sir, there is an old prayer that has often been uttered with great sincerity, and is probably being so uttered now by more than one intelligent slave: it is this, 'Good Lord, save me from my friends.' The exertions of your party, sir, remind me much of those of a man who went to pull a friend out of the mud, but, by a zeal without discretion, he jumped on his friend's head, and stuck him faster than ever."
When he disappeared, I was in hopes it was all over; but a very mild-tempered looking man, with a broad intelligent forehead, got up, and, approaching me in the most friendly manner, said, "Sir, I both admit and deplore the evil of the institution you have been discussing, but its stupendous difficulties require a much longer residence than yours has been to fathom them; and until they are fully fathomed, the remedies proposed must be in many cases very unsuitable, uncalled for, and insufficient. However, sir, I accept your remarks in the same friendly spirit as, I am sure, you have offered them. Permit me, at the same time, as one many years your senior, to say that, in considering your proposals, I shall separate the chaff—of which there is a good deal—from the wheat—of which there is some little; the latter I shall gather into my mind's garner, and I trust it will fall on good soil." I took the old gentleman's hand and shook it warmly, and, as he retired, I made up my mind he was the sensible slave-owner.
I was about to leave the scene, quite delighted that the ordeal was over, when, to my horror, I heard a strong Northern voice calling out lustily, "Stranger, I guess I have a word for you." On turning round I beheld a man with a keen Hebrew eye, an Alleghany ridge nose, and a chin like the rounded half of a French roll. I was evidently alone with a 'cute man of dollars and cents. On my fronting him, he said, with Spartan brevity, "Who's to pay?" Conceive, O reader! my consternation at being called upon to explain who was to make compensation for the sweeping away—to a considerable extent, at all events—of what represented, in human flesh, 250,000,000l., and in the produce of its labour 80,000,000l. annually!
Answer I must; so, putting on an Exchequery expression, I said, "Sir, if a national stain is to be washed out, the nation are in honour bound to pay for the soap. England has set you a noble example under similar circumstances, and the zeal of the abolitionists will, no doubt, make them tax themselves double; but as for suggesting to you by what tax the money is to be raised, you must excuse me, sir. I am a Britisher, and remembering how skittish you were some years ago about a little stamp and tea affair, I think I may fairly decline answering your question more in detail; a burnt child dreads the fire."—The 'cute man disappeared and took the vision with him; in its place came the reality of 2 A.M. and the candles flickering in their sockets.