Brite and Fair

by Henry A. Shute

when we got there the pedler was standing in his wagon in the square. and he had a big torchlite and he was hollering and holding up things to sell. they was a crowd of peeple round him men and wimmen and boys and girls. we went down to masonick block and went up stairs. we dident meat ennybody and the stairs were pich dark. we unlocked the door of the office and went in and opened the winders eesy. it was lucky we did becaus Beany run into a table in the dark and broak 2 egs in his pocket. murder how they smelt. we had to stick our heads out of the window to breeth. Beany sed what am i to say to father and mother when they smell me and find i have got roten eg on my close and Pewt sed we fill say we were in the crowd and got hit and nobody will think we pluged ourselfs. i tell you Pewt is awful smart to think up things. that is why he gits so few lickings in school and me and Beany get so menny. so after we had got all the egs out of our pockets and in litle piles ready and cood breeth inside we all got ready. the old pedler had a bottle in his hand and sed now ladies and gentlemen i have here a bottel of my selibrated panyseer compounded by the most destinkwished chemists in Europe and of the purist and most xpensive drugs and warranted to cure headake, earake, backake, bellyake, hartake, rumatism, growing panes, varicose vanes, bunions, corns, ingrowing tonales, scroffuler, siattikeer, lung fevers, scarlet feever, meezles, hooping coff mumps and croop. children cry for it, old maids sy for it, you must have it. waulk up, run up, gump up, tumble up ennyway to get up only fetch your money up and all for 1 doller.

jest as he sed that Pewt let ding with a chicking eg as hard as he cood. it wood have took old mister pedler square in the head but jest then he leened down to take a doller and it went over his head and took old Mizzery Dirgin who was standing facing towerds us rite square in the mouth and spatered all over him. i bet he gumped 9 feet in the air and then begun to hoop and gag and rushed for the horse troth and put his head in and soused it round and the peeple all begun to laff and holler and old Mizzery gumped up all driping and arested Mike Prescot for being drunk and begun to drag him off and Mike held back and fit and old Swane grabed him to help old Mizzery and we let ding as fast as we cood and old Swane got one rite between the sholders and one rite in the back of his head that popped like a pistol and he let go of Mike and rushed for the troth and put his head in and while the old pedler was laffing his head off he got 2 chicking egs 1 in his shert bosum and one rite square in the eye and i never heard sutch swaring and hooping and gaging in my life and and sheriff Odlin who was standing on the curbstone got one in his stovepipe hat and of coarse he had to arest sumone and he took Bill Hartnitt and waulked him off and as soon as the old pedler got enuf of the eg out of his ey so he cood see and breeth he grabed the ranes and liked his horse round the corner. peeple were rushing round and triing to get out of the way and sum were hollering murder what a stink and sum were hollering hell what a stink and sum were laffing their heads off and bending over and slaping their gnees and leening agenst trees and holding their sides and sum were swaring and getting the polisemen to arest inosent peeple whitch hadent done nothing and one man with a streek of yellow down his back where he had got a popper was offering 500 dollers for the man whitch wood tell him who throwed them rotten egs. i see father there talking with old Swane and old Mizzery and shaking his head. father dident get hit but Pewts father did. he got a popper in the coat tale and he was mad. he wood have been madder if he had gnew it was his eg.

of coarse we hit a good many peeple that we dident meen to hit. they shoodent have been in the way and they coodent blaim ennybody but themselfs. but i supose they wood about kill us if they gnew who done it. peeple is prety unreesonable sumtimes. but we drove the old pedler away and saved a grate del of money for the peeple and we pluged old Swane and old Mizzery Dirgin and evrybody was glad of that. of coarse when a feller gets a roten eg in the ey or in the middle of his vest when he has got his best close on he dont feel xacly plesant towerds ennybody. after tonite i gess evrybody will ware their old close when they go out to hear a pedler pedle.

well while the peeple was hollering and swaring and holding their nose and being arested for being drunk by old Swane and old Mizzery and Sheriff Odlin and being draged into the lockup me and Beany and Pewt shet the winders of the office and we come down stairs and went home. when we got to my house we all went in. mother and Aunt Sarah and Keene and Cele was setting up. well when he went in and begun to talk mother and Aunt Sarah begun to maik awful faces and Keene and Cele sed phew what a awful smell and mother sed Keene open the windows quick and sumone birn a rag. what in the wirld have you stepped in boys, go out and scrape your feet on the scraper and wipe them on the mat. you had augt to be moar cairful where you step and Beany he sed it aint that misses Shute i got hit with a roten eg when sumone roten eged the pedled and mother sed i dont want to be unpolite Elbrige, Elbrige is Beany you know, but i think you had better stand in teh doorway while you xplain. so Beany stood there and we were telling about it while Keene leened out of the window and hollered phew and mother and Aunt Sarah held their nose when father come in and the minit he come in he sed Geerusalem the golden naim ever dear to me will that smell folow me all the days of my life till i dwell in the house of the lord forever, and mother sed George i realy wish you woodent talk so befoar the children and father sed all rite Joey, he calls mother Joey you know, i wont, but it is verry triiing to a man of my partickuler disposision to return to the buzum of his familiy to find the intire homested smeling like a combineasion of a glu factory, a fertilizer factory and a ded horse whitch has been left 3 weaks in a hot July sun. and mother sed for heavens saik George dont say enny more. it is bad enuf without thinking of sutch dredful things. and father sed i wont Joey only you shood not have interrupted me and tirned me from my religious medditasions. i was doing prety well. then Aunt Sarah sed if you aint moar choise in your langage you never will dwell in the house of the Lord but sumwhere elce, and father sed tell me sumthing new and dont scair me to deth Sarah. but how in the wirld did that smell get here, and me and Beany and Pewt all hollered Beany got a eg in the side and father sed i shood think he did and the best thing Beany can do is to go home and chainge his close. it is neerly 10 oh clock and we have got to go to bed sumtime tonite.

so Pewet and Beany went home and father set down and mother shet the winders and father told us about it and how meny got hit and what they sed and we all nearly dide laffing as we always do when father tells stories, and father sed Gim Ellison got hit in the middle of his vest and went home holding his nose up in the air so high that he run bang into a tree and broak his speckticles, and old Bradbiry Purington, Pewts father went home holding his coat tale up like a woman holds up her trane. he sed that old Mag Mackflannery got hit and went rite down to old Bill Morrils house and maid so mutch fuss that Bill promised her a new dress if she wood shet up and go home. he sed Bill sed he will never run for selickman again. it keeps him in hot water all the time. he sed Bill sed if he hadent agreed to by her a new dress she wood have drove him into a loonitick assilem.

father he sed it was wirth 25 dollers of enny mans money to see old Swane and old Dirgin get it and they hadent enny rite to arest Mike and Bill and Gimmy Josy whitch wasent doing nothing but standing round, and wasent drunk enuf to be arested, and he sed he and Amos Tuck went in and baled them all out and that was why he was lait. father sed he wished moar egs had hit the polisemen and he wished he gnew the fellers whitch throwed the egs he wood give them 5 dollars.

gosh i wanted to tell him but my othe forbid but i wish we cood get that 5 dolers. father sed if the Terible 3 done it they hadent augt to be blaimed for ennything they had done to old Biley and the others. then he told me and Keene and Cele to go to bed and we done it. while i was wrighting i remembered what father sed about baling out old Mike and Gimmy Josy and Bill Hartnitt and i hollered down stairs and sed father how did you go to wirk to bale out them fellers. and father sed i used a stomack pump of coarse. how did you supose i done it, with a dipper. now you go to bed. so i went back and shet my door.

i tell you father knows how to do things. he pumped all the rumm out of them fellers and when they are tride in coart tomorrow and old Swane and old Mizzery sware that they was drunk the jug will tell them they is dam liers and a disgraice to the perfession. i wish i cood go to coart and hear the jug say that but i supose i have got to go to school. tomorrow i will wright the report for Pewt to copy becaus i can spel so mutch beter than Pewt.

October 28, 186—-brite and fair. gosh the funniest thing happened to Pewt and to Beany. when Pewt got home his father was there and auful mad because he had got a poper on the coat tale becaus he was going to a temprunce meating tonite and was going to set on the platform and Pewts mother sed it wood be a weak befoar he cood ware that coat again becaus she wood have to boil it in 2 waters and rince it in and 3 and then dry it and ion it. so Pewts father coodent set on the platform at the temprunce meating and he was mad enuf to lick his grate granfather.

if Pewt had gnew enuf to keep still he wood have been all rite but he wanted to be funy and he sed that is a funy way to boil egs and old man Purinton grabed him and lambasted him with his ratan can till you cood have heard Pewt holler down town. it was tuf on Pewt but he dident get a lot of lickings he ougt to have got and i gess he cant complane.