"At my side in the balcony was a blonde woman, no longer young, already quite faded. In repose, her soft commonplace features wore an expression which evidenced only lassitude and boredom. By chances after the first act I turned towards her. I saw her transfigured. The mobility of expression, the fire of her eyes revealed her deep emotion. She enjoyed the present moment with all her tense body and high-strung spirit. How pleasure can change a face, and how its quality reveals itself! I pointed her out to Elizabeth:
"'What do you think of her?'
"'Old and insignificant.'"
"December: To get out of one's life everything that can be derived from a maximum of effort constitutes a sort of happiness, the only sort which depends entirely on ourselves."
"February, 1904: The first volume of 'The History of a Peasant' and the 'Life of Pascal' have been brought out by my two publishers at short intervals. They are severe and passionate books, not pleasing to women. So I do not understand why I receive so many letters concerning them. The majority take no interest in them. Some few show a taste for deep reading. In the tumult of Paris, it is praiseworthy.
"I do not think that Elizabeth has yet cut her copies. As I have read to her in the evenings at Saint Martin some of the chapters with which I was particularly pleased, and as she saw the proofs, she has every reason in the world to avoid this burden. At heart, she does not like the life that chance, not her desire, has fashioned for her. At Grenoble in a drab, dull sphere, she would have been happier. Life here is beyond her. Paris calls for continued effort, and the Parisians are forceful because of the keen competition which works to the disadvantage of the weak, who are soon discarded or crushed.
"The books which I suggest that she read, she either rushes through or does not finish. I saw her stop once at the last page but one, of an Italian novel which I had devoured passionately. She was not eager to know the conclusion. On the other hand, she adores the theater, for which I care so little; there, seated in an armchair, you have your own emotions served to you."
"February: Party at Mme. de B——. Why do they pursue me? Is it because I make no advances to them? My fame attracts them. A very naïve curiosity; as if the best of a writer is not to be found in his works! They suspect my moral loneliness. One of them said to me: 'In Pascal there is commendation of solitude. One might say that you know the rapture of it and that you despise women.' Desire clothes the expression of disdain."
"March: A slight intrigue with Mme. R——. I like the contrast of her black hair and her glistening neck and all the vital power which emanates from her. But she is rather vulgar, as often happens in the case of these beauteous beings of joy.
"I have tried in vain to make Elizabeth jealous. In her opinion the world is divided into two categories—good people and the others—and we belong to the first, which is very restful. She recognizes no compromise, no distinction, no desire, no passion. But my thoughts are free."