Project was improv’d, and Dumpling grew to be Pudding: One Projector found Milk better than Water; another introduc’d Butter; some added Marrow, others Plumbs; and some found out the Use of Sugar; so that, to speak Truth, we know not where to fix the Genealogy or Chronology of any of these Pudding Projectors, to the Reproach of our Historians, who eat so much Pudding, yet have been so Ungrateful to the first Professors of this most noble Science, as not to find ’em a Place in History.
The Invention of Eggs was merely accidental, two or three of which having casually roll’d from off a Shelf into a Pudding which a good Wife was making, she found herself under a Necessity either of throwing away her Pudding, or letting the Eggs remain, but concluding from the innocent Quality of the Eggs, that they would do no Hurt, if they did no Good. She wisely jumbl’d ’em all together, after having carefully pick’d out the Shells; the Consequence is easily imagined, the Pudding became a Pudding of Puddings; and the Use of Eggs from thence took its Date. The Woman was sent for to Court to make Puddings for King John, who then sway’d the Scepter; and gain’d such Favour, that she was the making of her whole Family. I cannot conclude
this Paragraph without owning, I received this important Part of the History of Pudding from old Mr. Lawrence of Wilsden-Green, the greatest Antiquary of the present Age.
From that Time the English became so famous for Puddings, that they are call’d Pudding-Eaters all over the World, to this Day.
At her Demise, her Son was taken into Favour, and made the King’s chief Cook; and so great was his Fame for Puddings, that he was call’d Jack Pudding all over the Kingdom, tho’ in Truth, his real Name was John Brand, as by the Records of the Kitchen you will find: This John Brand, or Jack-Pudding, call him which you please, the French have it Jean Boudin, for his Fame had reached France, whose King would have given the World to have had our Jack for his Pudding-Maker. This Jack Pudding, I say, became yet a greater Favourite than his Mother, insomuch that he had the King’s Ear as well as his Mouth at Command; for the King, you must know, was a mighty Lover of Pudding; and Jack fitted him to a Hair, he knew how to make the most of a Pudding; no Pudding came amiss to him, he would make a Pudding
out of a Flint-stone, comparatively speaking. It is needless to enumerate the many sorts of Pudding he made, such as Plain Pudding, Plumb Pudding, Marrow Pudding, Oatmeal Pudding, Carrot Pudding, Saucesage Pudding, Bread Pudding, Flower Pudding, Suet Pudding, and in short, every Pudding but Quaking Pudding, which was solely invented by, and took its Name from our Good Friends of the Bull and Mouth before mentioned, notwithstanding the many Pretenders to that Projection.
But what rais’d our Hero most in the Esteem of this Pudding-eating Monarch, was his Second Edition of Pudding, he being the first that ever invented the Art of Broiling Puddings, which he did to such Perfection, and so much to the King’s likeing, (who had a mortal Aversion to Cold Pudding,) that he thereupon instituted him Knight of the Gridiron, and gave him a Gridiron of Gold, the Ensign of that Order, which he always wore as a Mark of his Sovereign’s Favour; in short, Jack Pudding, or Sir John, grew to be all in all with good King John; he did nothing without him, they were Finger and Glove; and, if we may believe Tradition, our very good Friend had no small Hand in the Magna Charta. If so, how much are all Englishmen indebted
to him? in what Repute ought the Order of the Gridiron to be, which was instituted to do Honour to this Wonderful Man? But alas! how soon is Merit forgot? how impudently do the Vulgar turn the most serious Things into Ridicule, and mock the most solemn Trophies of Honour? for now every Fool at a Fair, or Zany at a Mountebank’s Stage, is call’d Jack Pudding, has a Gridiron at his Back, and a great Pair of Spectacles at his Buttocks, to ridicule the most noble Order of the Gridiron. But their Spectacles is a most ungrateful Reflection on the Memory of that great Man, whose indefatigable Application to his Business, and deep Study in that occult Science, rendred him Poreblind; to remedy which Misfortune, he had always a ’Squire follow’d him, bearing a huge Pair of Spectacles to saddle his Honour’s Nose, and supply his much-lamented Defect of Sight. But whether such an Unhappiness did not deserve rather Pity than Ridicule, I leave to the Determination of all good Christians: I cannot but say, it raises my Indignation, when I see these Paunch-gutted Fellows usurping the Title and Atchievements of my dear Sir John, whose Memory I so much venerate, I cannot always contain my self. I remember, to my Cost, I once carry’d my Resentment a little
farther than ordinary; in furiously assaulting one of those Rascals, I tore the Gridiron from his Back, and the Spectacles from his A—e; for which I was Apprehended, carried to Pye-powder Court, and by that tremendous Bench, sentenc’d to most severe Pains and Penalties.
This has indeed a little tam’d me, insomuch that I keep my Fingers to my self, but at the same time let my Tongue run like a Devil: Forbear vile Miscreants, cry I, where-e’er I meet these Wretches? forbear to ascribe to your selves the Name and Honours of Sir John Pudding? content your selves with being Zanies, Pickled-Herrings, Punchionellos, but dare not scandalize the noble Name of Pudding: Nor can I, notwithstanding the Clamours and Ill Usage of the Vulgar, refrain bearing my Testimony against this manifest piece of Injustice.